The dramas, the highs, the lows, the influx of people, ideas and enthusiasm seems to levelled out in my world. I'm coasting in 'normal mode' at the moment. I guess I've become addicted to that racing heart, the excitement of a challenge to overcome and something to feel passionate about. This state feels odd to me.
That statement explains a lot when it comes to the relationships I've had. I've never chosen the easy road. I've chosen the challenging one. When the challenges are overcome or life feels too normal, my passion fades.
I've often commented that I don't do normal very well. I can handle life's tough moments in stride. It is the normal day to day moments that are harder for me.
I believe that is why I've forged out of my comfort zone a lot this past year or so. I'm creating my own challenges and thus, I get that adrenaline rush. It is better that I involve only myself in this whirlwind of emotion. If someone around me can benefit from my excitement, that is a bonus. I've climbed some mountains and felt the exhilaration of conquering a few.
The mountains that I fail to conquer are the ones in my daily life. I have chosen to stay home to be a more hands-on kind of mom. Because of that choice, I have sacrificed the flexibility to be able to attend school functions, go on school field trips or be available to hear about Kurt's school day ... because I have a house full of kids. And just because I can manage and organize the children that file through my doors ... does it make me an effective caregiver?
I wandered through the last moments of my week with the thought "I can be better than this." I am mediocre at most everything I am. In trying to be too much, to too many ... I am letting down the people that I affect most directly. The children in my care, my own immediate family. Because I am scrambling to keep myself feeling alive and passionate about life, I seem to be letting down too many others.
I need to narrow my focus in one specific area. To be the best person that I could be. Would I choose 'me' to be my mother? Would I choose 'me' to watch over my child? Would I choose 'me' to be the person to spend the rest of my life with? Would I choose 'me' as a confidante, friend or relative?
In some areas of that line of questioning, I am doing okay. Mediocre perhaps? In other areas, I need a lot of work. It is time to settle in and do some work.