Saturday Morning Meanderings

Ahhh! The weekend at last.

My brain started to slow down late yesterday afternoon. I completed the book work task at hand; the house was clean; a load of laundry was on the go; and 2 out of 3 of the kids I had tended had gone home. I grabbed my book, sat down ... and relaxed.

I ran one quick errand last night, I turned off my brain and turned on the TV.

Yes, the TV. As I arranged myself in a relaxed spot alone on the couch and put my feet up, it felt like it had been ages since I had granted myself a moment such as this.

The best part is, that I didn't grab something to eat as I turned on the TV. Snacking and TV had become synonymous in my mind, by the time last years TV season wound to a close. Part of my inclination to keep the TV viewing out of my life was to alleviate the temptation to return to my prior eating habits.

As Kurt and I have sat and watched movies together, we often will eat a 'take-out-meal' as we sit down in front of the TV. But the snacking has been minimal. We may have some treats at arms length ... but we nibble a bit and that's it. We ignore the temptation for the most part. Snacking and TV, my eternal friends ... seem to be parting ways.

My overeating syndrome seemed to crash to a halt, as I made my decision to wean myself off kids and pursue the idea of going back to school (thus, altering my work-from-home-path).

There has been an inner peace within me that has returned. I had been trying to remain positive in my daycare oriented world for a long time. But I was losing the battle. My insane eating habits were almost entirely related to the conflict within my mind.

I can still feel the sensation of 'filling' an already satisfied appetite. My stomach was full, but I was still running on empty. I binged on foods that I don't even normally crave. I could feel the chaos in my mind but I didn't do anything about it. Except eat.

My weight has become a non issue for me once again. As the dance showcase nears, I know that I must find new costumes. I wish that 'blasted red ballgown' fit (it haunted me, even when I weighed 10 pounds less) but ... it doesn't. I haven't even tried it on. But I know.

I'm content within my skin and my new size. If a few pounds drop off as my eating habits change, that is okay. But I'm done fighting with the scale. I think the reason I became so consumed with those numbers was because I was trying to control something within my life. My life had become consumed with kid-noise and unpredictability.

My new life has been busy. I've had some curve balls tossed this way that I wasn't expecting. It added clutter to my brain ... but not chaos. At no point, in the four weeks that I have been at school, have I turned to food to calm the chaos within. There is a calmness that has taken its place. This serenity feels unshakeable.

I'm revelling in that state of mind this glorious Saturday morning (but now, I must get to work ... I have a few attainable goals on 'the list' for today).