I woke up with a renewed appreciation of life-as-I-know-it this morning.
Anxiety levels, unresolved issues, worries, finances, relationships ... are all in check. My self worth feels restored to a level that I can live with and grow on. My future is still a little uncertain but the path before me feels absolutely right.
I can look back on all of the decisions that I have made and the roads that were (perhaps) better not taken ... and appreciate that they were part of the mountain that I was destined to climb.
I read what I wrote and was haunted by the inner wisdom that propelled me out of the old and into the new. I reflected back to the catalyst of the events that were precursors to change:
Mar 7 - "This time, last week I knew exactly what to expect from the week ahead. It was laid out clearly before me. I wasn't exactly excited about everything that was upcoming. But I knew what was coming. This week? Anything could happen." ... and it did.
Mar 11 - "I stopped my employer yesterday morning before she ran off to her desk. "I just want to talk with you for a minute, to be sure we are on the same page with job expectations ...", was how I started that conversation. We were most definitely on different pages." ... my work-from-home job became a work-out-of-the-home job without my knowledge or discussion.
Mar 12 - "The ground is trembling beneath me and it has nothing to do with the earthquakes and tsunamis that are threatening the safety of so many. Life as we know it ... is changing. It is my sincerest hope in that we will soon find the blessing in this." ... Mom's health became a great concern to us and we rallied as a family to walk through the unknown together.
Mar 13 - "It's time to make some changes. Or compromises. Because if I sit here and do nothing ... nothing will change." ... I knew then, that I had to initiate and follow through on shaking up my world.
Mar 15 - "Change is inevitable. The transition period is tough. Usually the end result is worth the struggle. But sometimes, I just want to fix what works for me and forge ahead with new 30 day guarantee. Renew and replace as necessary. But please don't take away what works for me. " ... little did I know what was in store.
During that week in March, my life was flipped upside down. I fell apart. I felt life-as-I-knew-it threatened from all angles. I picked myself up and carried on ...
Fast forward to today:
I spent a few hours going back reading old blog posts. I returned to Alaska. I re-walked the path of knowing that I had to make and follow through on a career change.
I didn't have to reread my recent blogs to remember. The past few weeks have been tough. They shook me to the core in a way that I cannot recall ever happening before. It took strength that was very hard to summon, to get me up out of bed in the morning and propel me through the day.
Yesterday was Friday. The day following a dance lesson. I was fortified with a sense of self that has been lost for a while. I found a vital piece of it on the dance floor.
I faced the day. I talked with my co-workers. I did everything in my power to put myself in a position to handle whatever next week at my New Job throws at me. I started to feel as though I can survive this transition.
Then I woke up this morning.
My heart is at rest. The fight or flight adrenaline will not be called on today. I feel peaceful and secure. I am starting to feel a little bit of my 'happy' returning.
I would not appreciate this sensation if I didn't have to fight for it. As I scrambled up this mountain, I felt myself slipping many, many times. But more often, I stopped and appreciated the view from where I stood in that moment. The challenges have been generously sprinkled among the days. But they pale in comparison to the blessings that I have found along the way. This journey has been a story unto itself. I am still forging ahead on a new path and have no way of knowing what lies ahead.
But I have a very, very good feeling about all of this ...
I was introduced to and met a man during that fateful week in March. All has been silent on that front for the five months that followed our last meeting. Yesterday (the day where I truly felt that I had truly survived and come out the other end of this transition) ... he sent me an email. I have no illusions of where 'this' will go. But to me, it simply feels like a positive omen.
My strength, my sanity and my sense of well-being have been tested. I am at the beginning stage of a new cycle in my life. I can feel this as strongly as when I knew that I had to make a drastic decision about my job (June 8 - "it's not too difficult to figure out which opportunities are the best. It won't be a logical decision - just something you know in your gut immediately as you confront your various options") ...
Change is in the air. And the breeze feels very good. I've said it before and I'll say it again. Bring it on. I'm ready!