I have been rather quiet lately. I have been trying to stifle the negative thoughts going through my head and I thought if I didn't write about it, it would dissipate on its own. That didn't work.
The fact that I am now sitting still and writing my way through means that I am onto a new phase. I'm ready to release the negative and set it free.
My work situation has not been good for quite some time. A year ago, I was struggling. It went from bad to worse. By the time I handed in my resignation, I was depleted. Empty. I felt worthless.
I have walked away from relationships when they have depleted me to that point. But ... there is a big difference between walking away from a relationship, than walking away from a job.
With a relationship, I could take a break. I have never jumped from one relationship into another. I have always taken the time to heal before I try again. I would regroup, regain a sense of myself and I had something to give the next time around.
With a job, there is no such luxury. I must earn a pay cheque. I had to jump right into the next employment opportunity before I was ready. I had nothing to give ... and I found myself in a new job where I needed to give it my all. And I was empty.
I have been beating myself up because I have not been meeting my own expectations. I have found others picking up on the view that I have of myself and perpetuating the negative. I have dug myself into a hole and at times it has felt like it is caving in on me.
The desire to go back to my safe world of running a daycare from home has been overwhelming. Then I realized the other part of the equation that has made this work transition so difficult. I have not worked a full-time out-of-the-house-job from '9 to 5', Monday - Friday for thirteen years. Thirteen years!
I have been living in an altered state throughout that time. I have surrounded myself with positive and encouraging people. I gave everything that I had, to make the past thirteen years work ... and I succeeded.
Looking back, it seems that I was protected from the realities of life by a huge layer of 'bubble wrap' which I was wrapped in. I believed in myself, I convinced the people in my life to believe in me, I waded through the challenges firmly believing that "If I believed it ... it would happen". And it did.
Thirteen years of living the good life. Thirteen years to put 'being a mom' at the top of my list. Thirteen years to nestle in and make our house a home. Strengthen our family. I even had energy left over to expand my horizons and bring the outside world into my safe little bubble.
I have burst out of that bubble and I feel vulnerable. I am back in the real world, meeting new people, learning new things and stepping so far out of my comfort zone that I feel lost.
I am back in the real population. A world where I must work with a diverse number of personalities. I must get to know them and how they function. They don't know me and I have to work to build a reputation for myself.
This is hard. I have stumbled. My self worth is shaken and I am having a hard time picking myself up and moving forward.
But I have not given up.
I am recognizing the need to forgive myself for not being perfect. I am learning to shake myself off and 'reboot' after I make a mistake(s). I am trying not to tell people how imperfect I am.
I am back at square one. A new beginning. I have done this before. I can do it again. It all begins with the belief that I can do this. It is time to perpetuate the positive. The negativity must go.