Well? Life isn't always a bed of roses. Even when I do my best to consciously act, speak and think positively ... sometimes it just isn't enough.
I've been glossing over a lot of the drama in my life the past few months. When I started this blog, it was my intent to focus on the positive. I have done my best to place my energy writing about the positive, in a negative situation lately.
Thus ... to anyone who knows what is going on in my life, it has been hard to crack the code of all that has been written in between the lines recently. I received an email from My Sister yesterday.
Subject: How are you??????
"I have been reading your blog and can't tell how you are?????"
I decided to cut out the fluff and just be honest with her. This (in part) was my reply:
"I'm a little bit crappy ... but mostly okay! Honestly.
I'm in a holding pattern right now and unsure what direction to take. But I hate to walk away from what I feel could be the perfect job for me at the school. I just haven't convinced them of that yet. And I don't know how much more energy they can zap from me before I call it quits.
Do I wake up every morning and hope that they don't call me in to work? You bet. Does this pay the bills? Not so much. Due to the change of my employment status from 'full time' to 'substitute', my pay date has been changed. So ... not only do I have to contend with 3/4 of a month's wages in October ... but the fact that it has to cover 2 months of bills. And the fact that I have no idea if I will be working more than a day or two per week as time goes on. And the funny part? That is the least of my worries!!
So ya. Kinda a lot of crap going on. I really want to jump into a cave and hibernate until spring. Thankfully (I guess) ... I can't. Honestly ... I know (in the end) that it is all going to work out for the best. People are exhausting me right now ... but (I suppose) I need them, to keep from withdrawing from the world.
I haven't cornered the market on work-dramas. The unfortunate part? I am hearing (far too often) "Welcome to my world" or "That is just the way it is these days" or "Get used to it".
I don't want to get used to it. The more I stick my neck out into this brave, new world ... the less I want to go out.
I'm just venting. I'm sure that I will look back at these words (perhaps, not for a very long time though!) and laugh. In fact, I'm almost laughing right now. How much worse can it get?? Please don't answer that.
But really!! I am okay! I know this will pass. I just don't feel like faking it right now. So these words might not be fluffy and full of hope and dreams ... they are just honest. And honestly. I am fine.
The fact of the matter is that no one can 'save me'. I have to do this on my own. And I'm okay with that. Really. And do you know why? Because I know that I am not alone. I know that I have enough caring and supportive people around me to help me pick myself up when I am down and that will carry me through.
I'll get through this. A day at a time. "
And I will.
Now ... back to my regularly scheduled agenda of Focusing on the Positive in Life!