Thursday, November 3, 2011

May the Correct Answer Please Reveal Itself?

Choices. Too many. Not enough. But still no perfect answer.

Weighing the pros and cons. Thinking logically. Thinking forward. Thinking of the practical.

What choice brings a spring to your step? A sense of 'happy' to your heart?

When you reflect on the day you just lived, what brings inner contentment? When you think of yourself in retirement, talking of the life that you lived ... what stories do you want to tell?

I found it easier when I didn't have a choice.

I have been a single parent for 27 years out of 33 years of parenting. Even when I was married, I needed a job so that I had the ability to support myself. Working full-time gave me an escape route from a life that was not good for me or my children. I had to work. It was not a choice that I had the luxury of making.

Then, I made a bold decision to work out of my home after My Youngest was born. I looked at all of my options and running a daycare was the one answer that stood out above all of the rest. I look back fondly on those days and know without a doubt that it was the best choice for me and my family.

I went to school to broaden my horizons and open the door for a new career path. I loved learning. I was excited about where I was going. Then I got there.

The job that I was in, wasn't right for me. I persevered in a situation that started the erosion of my self esteem. I got out. But not before I started believing that I was less than I am.

I jumped from that, into a transitional job. A job that was to allow me the ability to follow the path that I knew I wanted to follow. A job that (in the end), conflicted with the path of my choosing. A job that I didn't conquer before I had to give it up and move forward. A job that proved that I could NOT do everything that I set out to do. The second nail in the coffin.

I didn't know it at the time, but I jumped from the frying pan into the fire. Life lessons were being thrown to me and I thought that I was putting up the good fight. I may not have been winning, but I thought I was keeping up. Turns out ... that I was not.

I wasn't back at square one. I still had a foot in the door. But now came a choice. Do I persevere? Or do I quit (again!!) and look beyond what I thought was the right choice for me?

It is exhausting to fight the current. The obstacles that I have been facing. Are they there to challenge me and make me firm in my decision to succeed? Or are they there, to tell me "Go back! This is not where you belong!"?

Yesterday ended on a very good note. I will have worked four consecutive days at the same school (after today). When I left work yesterday, the principal asked, "Will you be back tomorrow?" When I answered, "Yes", his response was "Great!".

One word. One simple word. And it made my world okay again.

I do not know where I will go or what my next mission will be after today. I was gifted with four days, working with a wonderful group of people. My self esteem went up one notch.

For me, for today, the answer is easy. Persevere. Keep taking forward steps.

But what if there was another option set out before me? One that came with many benefits ... but an equal amount of setbacks. What then?

When the answer doesn't come easy ... is it the right answer?

I don't know. I feel like I don't know a thing right now. Looking back, it will all seem so simple. Looking forward???

Will the Correct Answer please reveal itself?!? Please??

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