"To be angry with someone is to let them live 'rent free' in your head."
I read a quote to this effect decades ago and made up my mind not to give anger or that other party such control over my thoughts.
I thought that I had absorbed and lived this little nugget of wisdom until I recently attended a Women's Encounter retreat. When we hit the section on 'forgiveness', a recent conversation found its way to the tip of my consciousness and I had one name to write on that little slip of paper that we ceremoniously burned (after a lengthy discussion on how to find that forgiveness in your heart).
I have little contact with this person so it is very easy for me to file my thoughts into the 'forget' portion of my brain and let it go. Forgetting isn't the same as forgiving.
When a person has a history with someone, a few words can hold a great impact. I would be lying if I said that I am not guilty of unleashing words that have had the power to hurt the other party. There must be something unhealed and vulnerable to let these words penetrate the walls that have been built.
I have no desire to fuel this fire with a conversation. We have talked ourselves in circles. Each of us has a valid argument. Yes. We have been hurt. It has been mutual. I have yet to find the beginning and apparently the end is just as illusive. I simply want to agree to disagree and let it go.
Life is not always as simple as that. Lives intertwine with other people and other activities.
A phone call from a completely innocent third party fanned the flames for me yesterday. Why? Why does it matter? Why can't I just let it go and forget about it? Because it involves an activity that I used to love.
Words have been cast into an arena that used to bring me great joy and I let those words and that person be an obstacle that I have little or no desire to overcome. At one time, this would have been a challenge that I would have gladly faced and conquered. Lately ... I would rather just give up.
There is no excess cash to follow that dream at the moment. I can't find a goal to persue in that area right now. The social aspect that was such an integral part of what I came to love within that community has changed. It is a whole new world ... and I honestly don't know if I have the passion to follow where that road may lead. Even if it didn't cost a penny.
Shame on me for letting another person's words stand in the way of walking through a door that has been opened. Double shame for letting that be an excuse. I must own up to my own fears and apprehensions and either overcome them or decide that this isn't where it is at for me right now.
I am leaning towards just letting it go. The passion is gone. I don't know if I am going to find it there any more. The saddest part? I don't even care to go and look for it. And that just may be my undoing ...
My dreams have died. I've been here before and I know I'll work my way past this. Walking through the door that I was invited to walk through yesterday could be a start. Or the end. Maybe I have to forgive, forget and just move on ...