This weekend was full of absolutely everything I needed. It felt absolutely wonderful to follow my whims and go with the natural flow of the days. And it felt even better to feel motivated once again!
I lost my motivation several years ago. It didn't happen overnight, but the stresses of my (attempted) career change took their toll on me. I had nothing left at the end of a day. Perhaps I was wrong not to power through the change and force myself to place my leftover time towards the house and yard. Everything overwhelmed and exasperated me in those days. So I gave myself permission to do nothing whenever the opportunity arose.
I could hear my old voice talking to other people in another time about how good it feels to accomplish those tedious tasks around the house and yard. "Yes, it is hard to get started. But once you start, momentum carries you through the task-at-hand and beyond!" Nope. Not lately it hasn't. In fact, completing one small task was onerous. It just opened my eyes to everything else that needed to be done. I was overwhelmed at the mere thought of all the work that has been neglected (for far too long) around here.
I have been focusing on the yard lately. It is a very good place to start because it involves being outside, breathing in fresh air, enjoying the beautiful weather and sunny skies. As big as the great outdoors feels, this is the place where I feel I need to start. I need to become one with the world outside of these doors before I can focus inwards.
Six years ago, I healed a broken heart by doing everything that I could possibly do outside. It was the best therapy in the world for me. Simply sitting on the doorstep puts my small worries into perspective. Working outside and accomplishing something tangible releases happy endorphins within me. I know this is what helped to heal me back then.
'Taking back the back yard' this spring and containing the dogs into a confined space has finally given me back what I have been missing. The yard. The ability to putter away at something that won't be messed up, dug up or destroyed by the dogs. My daycare gave me permission to 'take back the yard' and in doing so ... I have found a piece of myself that had been lost. I am starting to care again. And it feels wonderful!
My Son, His Girlfriend and their dogs will be moving out to their farm before the year's end. They have been living here for about the same amount of time that my ambition has waned. My son was a godsend in all that he tended since he moved back home. But now, his energy is being spent on making his own home. This has forced me back to the place that I once was. An independent soul, taking care of herself (for the most part) and not relying on anyone else to 'do the hard stuff'.
Doing the hard stuff is rewarding. Yes, it is tedious, repetitive, frustrating, overwhelming and exasperating at times. But taking ownership for that-which-has-gone-awry and powering through it with all that you have to give is energizing.
I curled up into a little ball and let the world 'happen' all around me these past (too) many years. I'm coming out of my cocoon again. I am flexing my wings. And it feels good.
I'm ready to roll once again!