I want to say that my brain is empty. But it is not. My thoughts are very short sighted and skittish. They run away from me and I can't pin any of them down. It is more than a little bit frustrating when I try to zero in on something to write about in the morning. Or finish my mom's letter ...
I started a letter to her a week ago. I never finished it. I didn't send her a letter last week. I send her a letter every week. I have even managed to be diligent enough (on some occasions) to write her before I see her on a weekend, so that she still receives a letter the following week.
My letters are about nothing. Or something. Or anything. But at least they are something.
Sitting before me, is a letter I started to write on Friday. So far it says basically "I am getting a jump start on your letter ..."; "I went to my blog to see if I had anything worth sending. Not really ..."; and hours later, an update about taking my daycare family out for a walk and the lunch-rush afterwards. My words on the page end with "Maybe this letter-writing-thing won't work right now ..." THE END.
Then? I did as close to nothing as one person can do all weekend. It almost hurts to think about it.
I need to push myself out of this spot. I was more than a little bit bitter about having each and every weekend committed to something for the entire month of June. Looking back, it is exactly what I needed ... even though I didn't want it.
I feel like a petulant child. I pout when I don't get what I want. Then I get it ... and I don't want it.
Then I read this:
"When we feel stuck, going nowhere -- even starting to slip backward -- we may actually be backing up to get a running start." ~ Dan Millman
Well Dan, I really hope that you are right. And in some ways? I think you are. I've got big plans for myself in the upcoming weeks and perhaps what you say, is true. I'm backing up to make that running start to get me over this hurdle. It is a hurdle that has been standing in my way for over two years.
Enough said. I'm not going to write about my intent. I'm just going to do it. Then, I'll have too much to say! I really will.
The blank slate that is my life right now is full of unwritten words. The words will be written. Soon ...