Oh, it isn't all bad. When I'm on a roll, I feel invincible and creativity seeps into the nooks and crannies of my 'work'. But when deadlines are looming? I suddenly feel incapable, empty and void of any originality.
I write. I write a lot. I write here. I update a private daycare blog for my parents daily. I write my mom weekly letters-about-nothing. I write columns for a handful of newspapers. I
Any time I have a gift to give, I default to something that I can create with pictures and words. This week I had two such gifts to bring to life. I have column deadlines to meet. Tomorrow is my self imposed deadline for those. I have a book to put together. That is weighing heavy on my mind. That is next week's project...
Last night, I either had to complete or abandon the projects that I had voluntarily placed on my to-do-list. Armed with a large iced coffee for a surge of caffeine to get me through the night, I forged through the darkness (literally...it was very late when I finally went to bed) and wrapped up two 'gifts' of photos and words. I felt as though one of the (several) elephants that has been sitting on my shoulders got up and left (I think that I completely muddled up a quote, but you get the idea).
Each and every month, I feel inadequate as my column deadlines loom. "Who do I think I am?!?" ... "What do I really have to say that is worthy of space in a paper?!?" ... "Others write so much better than I do!!" ... and it goes downhill from there.
This book project ... is big. It is the biggest elephant on my back (there!, I think I got the quote right now). I need to sit down and deal with that elephant. It's been gaining weight the longer it sits there. I think that it has 'spawned' some baby elephants since it has taken up residence on my being. I am so very, very glad that I have committed a specific block of time and energy to this particular elephant. We are going to sit down face-to-face next week as I lock myself in a room with it.
Once I deal with these elephants on my back and shoulders that are intruding on my dreams, I plan to give myself the gift of living-my-life. My lack of creativity and inspiration has been plagued by the pressures that I have placed upon myself ... but I must admit that is getting rather tedious to write-about-nothing on such a regular basis. I need more new input (or else I'm going to find myself with another pet ... or child!! Heavens!!! I just remembered that in one of my (many) anxiety dreams of late, I was pregnant!!!).
The anxiety will decrease as deadlines are met. Once I have accomplished that-which-I-have-set-out-to-do, I will be rephrasing my original statement to: "One of the best ways to bring pleasure into your life ... is to nourish what you love to the point where it doesn't feel like work."
Confucious says, "Choose a job you love and you will never have to work another day of your life."
I tend to disagree with the wisdom of Confucious. I think that the Tiny Buddha has my truth figured out: "Do what you love and the enjoyment will follow. Do what you love and you will feel more fulfilled. Do what you love and the money will seem less relevent. These things I've found are true."
The long and short of it? Simply .. do what you love!!