Wednesday, August 28, 2013

It Is Not Yet the End

I have one simple wish. I want to believe what people are telling me. Is that really too much to ask??

Some anonymous soul rated my daycare and within that rating, they rated my meals with a generous 4.25 out of 5. Why can I simply not believe this? Instead, I am racking my mind and available resources for new ideas and better ways to feed my young charges. I don't believe that my meals are anything more than adequate (if that, some days). I am grateful that no one is rating my after-daycare-hours cooking. Is there a negative rating?

Why can't I revel in the joy that someone out there was more than satisfied with my meals and meal planning? Because I know the truth ...

I cannot leave the potential that bed bugs have hitched a ride into our home alone. Have I checked everything and everywhere? Do I know what I am looking for? What if they do not leave evidence of their presence until they have been around a few months? Am I not finding anything because I don't want to find anything or because there is simply nothing to be found?

I called my friendly, neighborhood exterminator (again) yesterday morning. I was full of questions and concerns. I really and truly wanted him to come over and look things over with his expert eye and tell me that our house was in the clear. Instead, he answered all of my questions (and more). He assured and reassured me that I had done and checked everything that I should and could do. And he told me that he believes that even though our home is more at risk than our neighbors (simply because we have more people coming and going through our doors), in his professional opinion he believes our home is fine.

I tend to want to believe him because he could have offered to come over here and charge whatever he wanted to charge me to alleviate my worries. But he didn't. There was no profit gained by answering the way he did. I want to believe that he is right. But I am still afraid he is not. Because I honestly don't know if I have checked everything thoroughly enough.

Our fence project is not going well. The first few days (almost) went according to plan. I had to work all weekend and the Fence Crew appeared and disappeared after I left for work and before I came home. If it had not been for those that were at home and made observations as to the work ethic and method that was used to place the posts (it was not done according to the way I was told it would be done)  I would be none the wiser. They appeared to be doing everything they promised to do.

On Monday (the first day that I was home when they were scheduled to be here), I swear that they must have been hovering in the neighborhood until a few raindrops fell. At that precise moment, someone appeared on our doorstep and declared it was too wet to work. They would see how the afternoon went. The rain amounted to nothing more than barely wetting the ground. They never returned.

Yesterday, I left the house with my daycare family after 10:00. No fence people. Their (lack of) working hours astounds me. We came home four hours later. The fence people were there. I didn't have the energy to talk with anyone at the time so we simply settled back in at home and when I felt energized (enough), I went out and voiced the concerns that my Second Son noticed.

I said what I wanted to say. Almost. Then they began talking over me and filling me with reassurances. I want to believe them. I want this fence project to be completed. Now. Progress was being made (slowly). I was happy enough.

Until My Son came home a short time later (and the Fence Crew had mysteriously disappeared after yet another extremely short work day?) and asked me how my conversation with the Fence People went. I told him. He asked if I wanted to know what he thought (it was obvious that he was skeptical). After my daycare day ended we went outside and he showed me everything that was a concern to him. He took pictures. And videos. I don't want to know this! I just want our fence back. Even our old fence. We are fenceless. And I hate it...

I want to believe that if the Fence People simply complete the job, the fence will stand for thirty years. Instead, I tend to worry that My Son's concerns are valid and after piling snow against our wobbly fence for a winter or two or three, our fence will begin to lean over. It is an 'endless' expanse of fence. Leaning on one end is going to affect the entire fence line. And it is long.

So here I sit. Knowing that something must be said and done to rectify this problem. I simply don't know if I have the stamina to do it. I feel weak. I think my predators smell my weakness and are plotting to take advantage of their position ...

Why can't I simply believe that I providing adequate meals for my daycare crowd? Why can't I simply trust that the bed bug situation has been contained to its original owner? Why can I not foresee our brand new fence still standing at a 90 degree angle in five years??

Then there is the ongoing concern with our Senior Cat's health. At least his vet is honest enough with me which allows me to believe in what she says.

I see the truth that is woven in between all of those lines. The truth hurts. I simply want to close my eyes, forge through it and simply trust that it will all work out okay in the end.

"Everything works out in the end. If it hasn't worked out, it's not the end"
~ Quote from The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel

That is exactly what I was most afraid to hear. It is not yet the end.

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