Tuesday, August 20, 2013

I've Got the Music Back in Me

Something very small but rather amazing happened to me this summer. There has been an invisible metamorphosis that has transpired. The music inside of me has been set free again.

A few years ago, the music of my past was snuffed out. I couldn't bear to listen to any music that held a memory. The memory was not specific. It was simply music of days gone by that changed the beat of my heart.

Each and every time I heard 'an oldie', I changed the channel. I would choose listening to advertisements over listening to the music of yesteryear. It hurt my heart.

But the new music? Bring it on! New music had no correlation to anything of the past. It was all brand new. New was where I was headed and I couldn't bear to look back. Only forward from here on, baby!

Forward is a good direction to pick, if you must choose one direction to go. Turning off the music of the past didn't hurt me. I no longer needed or wanted to dredge up old memories. Music has a way of doing that to me. So ... I tuned it out and I turned it off.

This summer has been the best one I've had in years. I think what I needed most of all was my self induced week of seclusion.

I brought everything that I needed to sustain me into my little 'hotel oasis' within my home and my heart sang out with joy. I closed the door, knowing that I was snuggled into a quiet space within my most favorite place in the world. Home.

I brought the radio inside of my room and it played continually within the background of my most-favorite-holiday-of-my-life-so-far. Now that I'm back living my real life, each and every time I hear those songs that played over the course of my retreat (and there were so many songs!), my heart leaps for joy. It leaps. Really.

My present day ear for music is different than the skewed one that developed over the course of the past few years. I can tell in the way that the music makes me feel. But I can also tell because I have stopped when I've heard one of those songs of my past and I can enjoy it again. My heart has stopped hurting.

I didn't even know my heart was aching until the residual pain disappeared. Nothing tangible happened to make this occur. It has simply been a slow process of finding and following my own path again. I'm back living the life I was meant to live. I've got a good, solid year behind (and within) me. I'm feeling insulated from the bumps and bruises of life. I feel safe. I feel good. I am content.

I've got the music back in me. And it feels wonderful.

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