Friday, February 28, 2014

The Hardest Day

It has been a rough week. Monday was my favorite day. It has been an uphill battle ever since.

Okay. What is happening here? What are the variables going on outside of what is going on inside of my head? Is it me or is it the world that is falling apart at the seams? How much of this am I making bigger-than-it-is?

Number 1 - I worked all of last weekend. It was a good weekend. It didn't feel like a working weekend. But I woke up, went to work, came home and went to bed. That was about the extent of my weekend.

How much contact did I have with the outside world? I talked with my boss. I had email contact with my brother. I sat down and ate supper with my family on Sunday. I talked to a friend Sunday night.

The tail end of a working weekend usually equates to a noticeably stressed 'me'. I didn't feel the stress at the end of my weekend. Maybe it was subliminal. Maybe it was still there underneath it all but I didn't openly blame it for anything that happened after the fact.

Number 2 - It is winter. I have been housebound with three to five children for ten hours a day, five days a week for (about) four solid months. We have had a few outdoor opportunities but nothing that has been really good for the heart and soul. I long for those summer days where I can park myself in a sunbeam and soak up some good old natural Vitamin D.

I felt winter before winter arrived this year. The shortening days cut me to the quick. The days are getting longer now. The sun's rays feel stronger. The sky has been blue. But I have heard a rumor that the weekend forecast is -60 weather (with the wind chill). We have not had much snow this year but we have had unrelentless cold weather. This must have some bearing on not only my coping skills, but the people within my days.

Number 3 - I am challenged each and every day by each and everyone of the children I tend. I can roll with the punches the vast majority of the time. But I have a screamer. A little girl that cries if she is not being held. She cries when she is being held. She screams louder when I am carrying her and she doesn't want to be where I am. She acts like the world is ending if I have to put her down to take care of someone else.

Add this onto the behaviour of her partner-in-onehood. He does not believe in boundaries. He looks me in the eye and does that-which-he-knows-he-is-not-supposed-to-do. He does not listen to words. He barely listens to actions. Thus, I have to carry the girl-who-cries-too-much with me as I chase him down to prevent him from destroying everything-that-is-not-a-toy.

For an added bonus, I have a two-and-a-half-year-old that is getting a little lost in this world of demanding one-year-olds. She is craving attention and affection, and is demanding it in the most unflattering of ways. When she has a partner-in-play, she mimics them to the nth degree. She quite literally attaches herself to the side of the personality that she is embodying. It is often me that acts as her cojoined twin. I suffocate easily and need personal space. I cannot exist with someone attached to my side. Thus, I feel for her playmates at times ...

Yesterday? I had these three personalities together. All day. Need I say more?

Number 4 - How much of this is cyclical? When I look back at A Year Ago Today, what do I see? A lot of the same. Life goes in cycles. Ups and downs. Ins and outs. Good and bad. Elation and frustration. If it was all good, we would have expectations that were impossible to meet.

Bad is the new good. That is my story and I am sticking to it!

Yesterday was The Hardest Day. Which should make it easy to have A Better Day today. And that ... I will do. I am certain of it.

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