Intuition has led me through these past few days. It was a little bit scary because I can easily immerse myself in a do-nothing, feel-nothing, speak-very-little mode for days on end. I am very good at doing nothing. So I was a little bit afraid to start out on that note.
I just knew that was where I had to begin. My word quota has been exceeded lately. I think I was in debt. I was so empty that I had no thoughts left over. Not only at the end of the day ... but at the beginning.
I live a quiet little life that fuels me. I have more words in me (as a general rule) than I have ears to listen. So I have grown accustomed to waking up with a page of 'words' in me each and every morning. Many of my words are nonsense and go nowhere in particular. But what I have found is that if I just keep writing throughout the good, the bad and the ugly there is usually something that comes of my writing. Sooner or later.
But no words? I don't wake up on empty very often. I knew I was not only running on empty. I was depleted. Plain and simple.
I require quiet and solitude the way some people need oxygen and water. It is all about survival. I fill myself up by becoming quiet with myself.
I have been pushing myself out into the world beyond my house, home and head just a little bit too regularly lately. I have had some incredible experiences and been in the company of people that fill me up and make me laugh. And think. But they also expect me to talk.
Talking is good. Interaction is great. Conversation allows me to bounce my thoughts off of another human being and see how they sound out loud. But too much talking? Exhausts me.
I was exhausted.
So Day #1, I turned on the TV and turned off my brain. My body came into this weekend fully rested but the need to interact with the world around me has exhausted my interactive thinking skills. Thank goodness for television. It numbs my mind and allows me the opportunity to 'shut down' then 'reboot' after I've been unplugged for a while.
I tried not to feel guilty about indulging myself in a completely lost and wasted day. I existed in a place that was restful and without demands. No little children requiring food, supervision, activity or any other number of demands that one to two year olds require on a minute-by-minute basis. I had time to sit and be still. Most importantly. I had an opportunity to simply 'be'.
I have had days like this before. They seem to have a way of seeping into the next day and the day that follows if I allow guilt and obligation seep into the equation. Each and every time I felt myself going there, I pulled myself back. "Do what you need to do"; "Go where you need to go"; "Breathe"; "Inhale"; "Just ... be".
So that is exactly what I did. I heard myself think "You should be reading"; "You should be writing"; "You should be doing something". But instead, I simply sat still. With a cat on my lap ... everyone needs to adopt a cat for days like this. I sat on the couch for hours on end because I was Senior Cat's chosen one. He slept. I stayed still. It was marvellous (and one is not allowed to feel guilty when a cat is sleeping soundly upon them).
I was a little bit afraid when I woke up the next morning and had no desire to get up and enter the world outside of my bedroom. There are only four of us (humans) in the house and there is a great respect for space, quiet and privacy among all. I have absolutely no complaints. Except ... I just didn't have any words in me. I did not want to do the small-talk-thing in the kitchen. So I remained in my room. And it was good.
The better thing about this, is that the moment that I decided it was time to get up, I started to move. I ripped the sheets off of my bed and tossed them in the washing machine. I cleaned cat litter. I shovelled snow. I was ready to 'do'. So I did.
I left the house and ran errands. The only real item on my agenda was to find some storage containers so that I could organize the closet at the front door. And as it so often happens (when one takes on a mission when they are not in a depleted state) one thing led to another. I ended up organizing three closets.
I am almost certain that working into the wee hours of the morning was annoying to others that live here. But I kept on moving. And doing. Because when one starts to move, momentum has the opportunity to build when you don't have 'life' pulling at you from all directions. I haven't had momentum like this for a while. I have missed this feeling. The act of doing is satisfying, fulfilling and invigorating.
The best part about accomplishing something with a day is the way you wake up the next morning.
I woke up with my alarm this morning. Perhaps three hours after I fully fell asleep last night. So I turned it off, rolled over and fell back to sleep for another hour. Then 'nature' called and required me to get up. While I was up, I thought that I would just open the kitchen blinds. Then the living room blinds. Then my room-with-a-door (which has been restored to its oasis state and fully ignored for the entirety of this weekend-thus-far) beckoned to me. "Come in, sit down, bring your coffee and start your day here!" And I have been here ever since.
Today I have one word on my agenda. "Write".
I have blogs to update. I have emails to send. I have a long overdue Daycare Newsletter to create. I would like to spend whatever energy and creativity that is within me on paper or the computer. Whatever. Pen, paper, keyboard ... it is all the same to me.
I have not been depressed. I have not been working too hard. I have not been worried or scared or overwhelmed. I have simply been 'exhaling' without taking the time to 'inhale' in an equal proportion.
Interacting with the world is an exhausting yet fulfilling place. As long as it is offset with that-which-fuels-you. The balance shifts and changes like the wind. But when you feel the need to shut down, reboot and start all over again ... follow your instincts. They tell you what you need to do. Unfortunately 'life' makes it a little difficult at times.
This Easter weekend has been rather fitting for the phases and stages I needed to go through in order to breathe life back into me, my life and where I think that I am headed. I haven't come out the other end of this weekend new and improved. Just reborn and revived. I have 'come back to life' again.
Sometimes we have to keep things simple. Toss out the endless to-do-lists and write down three words to take you where you need to go.