I feel like I have had a case of 'laryngitis of the soul' this past while. I can't hear my inner voice. Most of all because I have silenced it.
Living out loud within this blog space makes me feel vulnerable and open to criticism. I am my own worst enemy and I am pretty hard on myself but I know that I always (and I stress the word always) come out of the other end of these metamorphoses stronger, more capable, more resilient and happier than I was to begin with.
Perhaps I even welcome these little dips and valleys in my life because coming out the other side of a challenge is rather invigorating and intoxicating.
I cannot pinpoint one aspect of 'life' that is bringing me down and that is most likely why I am feeling just a tad defeated at the moment (and I stress the word moment). I know that this, too shall pass away. And perhaps there is a reason that it is raining within the broad spectrum of my life. It is to push me into action.
My Daycare Days are hard. That is it in one word. I just read a blog entry from "Autism Daddy" and the energy that they must expend to take care of the needs of their ten-year-old son with severe autism made me reflect on the energy that it takes to keep my little Daycare Family safe, entertained, engaged and out of trouble. Thankfully, my life here is a walk in the park by comparison. But I felt a wash of relief to know that 'it is never so bad that it couldn't be worse'...
Then there is upheaval within my income-earning abilities that has been tossed into the mix this week. One of my daycare moms has been laid off of work. I do not yet know how this will affect their daycare needs but they have paid me (in full) for the month of April. So I have a few weeks to gain my bearings and figure out my strategy going forward.
I am berating myself for 'giving up on a child' within my daycare family (back in January). I couldn't do it. I wasn't the best person for the job. I quit. I gave up. I know in my heart of hearts that this was in everyone's best interests, but I cannot quite forgive myself for taking this route. I feel like I have played with fire here and messed up the natural order of things by giving back what (who) I was given. I have messed up my destiny because I didn't follow through and conquer my challenging child...
So ... I have not been able to fill his spot. This is just and this is fair. But it is also messing with my ability to budget.
There is tension in the air within my home and I'm responsible for it. It isn't awful. But it is the wrong kind of quiet that is happening here. It is quiet that has been born out of hurt and frustration. It is not the blissful quiet of everyone living contented and challenging lives under the same roof. Tension within the home is the hardest tension of all. I have become just a little bit unglued because of this. Home and family ground me. This is the foundation on which everything else is built...
Then there are my self-created goals and deadlines. There is no sense in beating a dead horse here. I am not succeeding at my goals. Yet. I am frustrated with myself but I know that I will push through and get past this. I just have a little 'housekeeping' to take care of before I get there.
Speaking of housekeeping, everywhere I look something needs to be done, changed, cleaned, fixed or reorganized. All that I need to 'clean' is motivation and time. I like cleaning-with-a-purpose and if I could simply reorganize my world to make things work better I would have the incentive that I need. But my plans take money. I don't have money. So I don't clean. Yes, I am over-justifying here. I could and should clean. That is within my power. But can I be honest here and simply say "I just don't want to do it (right now)"?
All of this stuff is piling up and bogging me down. I have to chip away at one small thing at a time. And I will. I always do. I even feel more equipped to start chiselling away now that I have put the mountain out there 'on paper' for me to see.
I have been holding this in and it has grown out of proportion in my mind. This is why I write. This is why I vent. This is why I tend to be a little too honest in this blog space of my mind. It is my release valve.
I am not depressed. I am not asking for help. I am not incapable of overcoming any one of the above challenges. I don't need to be fixed or consoled or challenged any more today than I needed to be a month and a half ago (I just checked my calendar and it was exactly one and a half months ago that I revelled in an unexpected quiet weekend without plans or expectations). I simply need to get these words out of my head and onto paper where I can see them and formulate a plan. One thing at a time, all will be taken care of.
Little things tend to pile up when they aren't tended to immediately. But just like the dust that is accumulating on our ceiling fans ... it doesn't go anywhere until you flip that fan into a reverse direction.
It is time to do a little spring cleaning around here and that is exactly what I intend to do. I just need a little bit of quiet cocooning time first. Then I will emerge. Perhaps not as a butterfly, but as a busy little bee instead.
That said, I must go and buzz off and tend to today. And tomorrow. After that? Let the cocooning begin!