Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Missing in Action

I have been MIA here for the past little while. It has been a combination of no words, not enough time, words that were not ready to be published and just a bit of a 'funk' going on underneath the clutter in my mind. Not necessarily a bad funk. Just not the 'me' I aspire to be. We all have days like that. Right!?!??

And that, my friend, is the basis of all-that-I-am-feeling right now.

I am quite certain that I am not the only one who goes along with the ebbs and flows of life. Most of the time, life is a little bit unremarkable. You show up. You do your best. You win some. You lose some. Then you try, try again.

The try, trying again part can feel all consuming some of the time. Other times it can fuel and invigorate you. Does it depend on the moon, the stars, endorphins (or the lack thereof), hormones or a myriad of other underlying issues?

I think more often than not, it is simply that 'last straw' that breaks us. All that preceded that 'last straw' is invisible to those who don't see all, know all and feel all that we know about ourselves.

Do we all carry a little load upon our back from day-to-day or is it just me?

The load consists of the things I need to do, the things I should do, that which I want to do and reality - that which gets done.

The obstacles are many. Time, money, enthusiasm, energy, motivation to name a few.

Then there are the mental blocks. I have many. I can almost hear the KA-CHUNG of iron doors slamming shut within my mind when it comes to that-which-I-procrastinate-over-the-most. I recognize that most of my obstacles are not obstacles. They are excuses. I keep saying the words out loud so that my voice can get it through my thick skull to STOP and DESIST that negativity which is standing in my way. It is sort of starting to work. Sort of.

I have a huge weight upon my shoulders and I am not doing a very good job of shifting the weight so that I can deal with it in small increments. I know what has to be done. Instead of tackling it one small stone at a time, I seem to walk in and think that I have to deal with the entire boulder. And it is too heavy.

I have a tentative plan but it will affect my daily musings here...

Morning is the time of day when my brain is busy and active. Positive neurons are firing around in my head after a good night's sleep and I feel the most invincible that I am going to feel all day. In the morning.

Some days? I'm not too invincible. But whatever coping strategies I have at the onset of the day are quite often the very same ones that carry me through the rest of my waking hours.

I am also beginning to see the correlation between my weekends and my weekdays.

I need a certain balance of 'something' within my weekends to sustain me through the remainder of the week. I believe the exact formula changes with the tides but I do know that solitude, quiet and down-time are a must. Thus, you will find me quarantined in a quiet corner of the house gathering my thoughts, my energy, my drive and all that it takes to propel me forward. I am not depressed. I am nourishing myself in ways that others may not recognize. The more depleted I feel, the less I do back in my little quiet corner of the world.

The need for quiet may be forfeited if I am nourished in other ways (my upcoming weekend, for example ... I will write more about that another day). I am already forecasting that I will feel more energized than depleted at the onset of next week. The only energy-drain will be the knowledge that I must work the weekend that follows that one. But energized by the fact that the Easter weekend follows thereafter...

I am better off not knowing what lies ahead. I think that I know what to expect but I don't. I can put myself into one of these little 'funks' by forecasting three weekends ahead of time and end up being completely off the mark on all counts. I believe this is why I prefer to be spontaneous. But spontaneous doesn't work a lot of the time. Thus, I must plan. Planning depletes me (do you see a vicious cycle happening here?).

Yesterday was not a perfect day. I took that-which-I-had-planned-to-do on Sunday and placed it into a Daycare Day where I was supposed to be focused on my little people. Add that to the fact that I think that my little daycare family was also influenced by their own weekend (tiredness and new old and unimproved behaviours prevailed) and it was not a winning combination.

Today is a new day.

I woke up before my alarm. Not only that, but I got out of bed and was making it when my alarm went off. This is always a good sign.

I decided to 'Just Write' this morning. Little editing has gone into this little purging of my mind. Just undiluted thoughts that strayed off the course that I had in mind when I sat down to write.

The reason I chose the title 'Missing in Action' was not only to account for the missing days here ... but to put My Plan out here for the world to see. I may continue to be MIA for an undetermined amount of time. This is my goal...

I plan to take my early-morning-brain and put it to work on my family Book Project. It is the only way that I can see getting this done.

By the end of the day and a lot of weekends, I am depleted. My little quiet oasis in the back of the house is beckoning to me (I can almost hear it call ... yes, you should probably call the men in white coats to come and take me away now). So that is the point in the day when I will come here (to my blog) to write (if I am not wrapped up and enthused about my progress in the Book Project) and debrief.

My workday has just intruded on me. The real world has barged in before it was invited and I am not liking the way I am feeling about it. I must stop this feeling now before it influences my day ...

This is why I like my room-with-a-door. I feel the need to retreat but instead, I must get dressed and face the day. With one extra 'moody girl' like me ...

Image credited to dumpaday.com 

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