My attention span became that of a gnat. I couldn't concentrate. I lost focus. I couldn't keep still. Then when I stayed still, I fell asleep.
Then came a little game that I play with myself. The game of: "You can't do (something fun) until you finish doing (something I should be doing)".
Something fun consists of many things. Reading, cleaning, settling in and discovering a new series on Netflix that I have never watched before and whatever 'flavor of the week' I decide upon at that given moment.
So what have I done instead? I have slept. Oh, how I have slept! I have watched the entire series of Gilmore Girls. Twice. I fritter time away like nobody's business. I can sit down at the computer and send myself on a scavenger hunt that takes me from Googling one small idea until it branches off, not only into a tree but a good chunk of the forest.
The world started feeling heavy upon my shoulders when I told myself that I needed to carve out time just-for-me and exclude the world around me. I took away my energy source whenever I denied myself what I thrive on - friends and family.
I have had many diversions within life-as-I-know-it over the course of time since I took on this Book Project. I decided to go back to school at almost the same time I started The Book. I tried changing things up a little bit within my 'career' and I have found myself back to where I was before I started. Except I am smarter (I went to school, you see).
I got an education in life-outside-of-my-doors which was time and energy consuming. I learned lessons that I never would have learned if I had stayed within my safe zone. Some lessons energize us. Others deplete us. Let's just say that I was depleted for a while.
It takes time to regain what-has-been-lost after your world has been turned upside down. I lost my True North and wandered for far too long. I survived but I did not thrive while I was wandering through the forest. I am the type of person who finds 'forests' claustrophobic and would prefer to fly over them rather than investigate every creek and path along the way. There are too many bugs and unknowns within that forest.
Life forced my hand. I got lost in my forest and had to find my way through. It took longer than I expected it would because I took a few wrong turns. Wrong? Maybe not. I'll just call them 'extra' turns. I went in circles for a while but I expanded the circle each time and eventually found an exit strategy.
I prefer life in the flatlands where you can see out into the horizon and dream of possibilities. Dreams. They have come back to me in oh-so-many-ways. I wake up each morning with the wisp of a dream fading away from my consciousness. Sometimes I just lay still and try to hold onto a fragment of the vivid night life that I have led while I have been sleeping.
The best part is that I am dreaming while I am awake again. Something strong is pulling at me and telling me to look ahead but not to forget the day. Forge onward but tend to the life that you have created. Words, ideas and the need to reach out have come to the forefront of my mind and I am simply following through. Great things are starting to happen. I feel alive again.
Suddenly, books that have been abandoned are calling out to me. Read me! Nourish your mind!! Boy, do I have some insight for you!!!
I have finished reading four books in about as many weeks. Each of them has made me think and led me to a clarity that has been lacking. It is like I took off my glasses and cleaned them. My perspective is keener and my vision is clearer.
I have opened my eyes and look at what I am finding:
I am finding the past within the present day. These wild flowers take me back to my childhood, what I experienced and saw when we lived on the farm. They take me back to My Roots.
I am finally starting to finish what I have started. I can see this is headed in a very good direction. I look forward to wrapping up a few more chapters so I can finish one book. Before I start another...