I was chest-deep in the aftermath of mending a broken heart. Each and every time I woke up, I physically felt that fist-in-my-chest, broken heartedness from the hurt, the betrayal and loss of the life I thought I was going to live.
Television saved me from myself. Each and every time I found something on TV that captured my attention, my thoughts were replaced with the story line of whatever show I was watching. The moment I stopped thinking my own thoughts and my attention was diverted, I fell fast asleep.
This quickly became a habit. As days and weeks turned into months and years, my heart healed and I was no longer haunted by the hurt and the loss of the life I had expected to live. What didn't change was the fact that I could not turn off my thoughts before I went to sleep or when I woke up at night. So I just turned on the TV.
Every now and again, I think that I should try to wean myself out of this habit. Then I wake up and (like a child with their blanket or pacifier or thumb), I am too tired to do anything other than what has worked for me in the past. I turn on the TV, to turn off my thoughts. I love that I can control my brain by erasing my own thoughts on mindless TV.
Once in a blue moon, I wake up and enjoy the thoughts that are floating to the surface in my semi-comatose state of awareness. As long as I don't look at the clock and break the spell, it is quite enjoyable to think without distraction. Every once in a while.
Last night (this morning) was one of those kinds of sleeplessness.
I woke up with my dad's family's story wafting through my mind. I need to finish up those two chapters. What can I personally add to those uncle's stories? What thoughts would I like to write in the 'forward' of the book? Closing thoughts? And so on and so forth.
I awoke again before my alarm went off and I was still revelling in a quiet and happy little place in my mind. Then I started thinking of the many topics that are swirling through my mind. What can I write about this morning? was the theme of my thinking.
I love that I have found my way back (after feeling completely and utterly depleted mid-way through this week) to this place I love. A place of too many thoughts and not enough time. This state of contentedness feels even more blissful than usual because I can contrast and compare where I was two mornings ago.
I spent the past two days (trying to) living the day in front of me, as I was living it. I focused on my Daycare Day and made the most of what I was given. It almost hurt to push myself out of the easy, quiet and safe zone of our home and take my little family out on the road (we walked to school playgrounds that we rarely visit before school starts up again next week).
Getting outside, breathing fresh air and moving is so therapeutic. I don't know if I would have done this, if it was not for my Daycare Kids.
I 'looked up' and away from technology for the better part of those two days. My excuse for being so 'connected' to the Internet world, is that I feel underwhelmed with the conversational skills and repetition of ten hours with 1-1/2 to 3 year olds. I 'need' adult intervention, thus I create diversions for the adult side of my brain. I will text or call or email a friend to satisfy my need to talk in paragraphs, not repetitive phrases. But when I looked up and simply focused on my little people I was highly entertained. Children are so very transparent. I love losing myself in watching a two year old discover his world or a three year old who is playing with her imaginary friend. When our days become too repetitive, these very same moments become fighting-over-a-toy and screaming-a-most-annoying-scream (because someone has grabbed the toy they just grabbed from the other person) or doing-that-which-they-know-they-are-not-supposed-to-do and an entire list of things-kids-do on a regular basis.
Looking up brought me out of my own head and thoughts, and back into the land of the living. I was more present in my day which resulted in feeling much calmer with whatever was unfolding within the moment.
The more I looked up, the more I found my thoughts free-falling through my mind and I was pleased to discover that I keep rediscovering myself within these small, insignificant moments.
Looking up and away from technology saved my week. The state of exhaustion and depletion is all but a distant memory. I am filling up and feeling fulfilled. I am looking forward to putting today behind me (I must work at my bookkeeping job) and immersing myself in my Book Project for the remaining two days of this long weekend.
I woke up, enjoying the thoughts that were wafting through my mind. They were light and easy and introspective.
I woke up to an (almost) uncommitted long weekend. My calendar is empty and my to-do-list is (pretty much) tended. All that needs to be done is to put a cover on that book and I can set my sights on new ideas and goals.
Two more solid weekends of working and whittling away at The Book Project shall put me exactly where I hope to be. That said, my thoughts wafted way to a distant land, away from this blog post. And that is exactly where I must go right now.
May you wake up to a light and easy day of following the lead of your subconscious mind. Tend to the must-do-items on that never ending to-do-list in your mind and join me in a long weekend of fulfilling small dreams. Fill yourself up with whatever you need to nourish your body, mind and soul. Sleep when you need to sleep, eat food that fuels you and immerse yourself in that-which-fits-the-moment.
Happy September Long Weekend! No matter what the weather may or may not be doing, I hope you find a piece of sunshine within your day. Look up!
And with that, I shall add this video (I have seen this before but was in dire need of seeing again):