Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Back on Solid Ground Again

Last night my body overruled my brain and came in for the win. I was in a dead-to-the-world and in a what-time-is-it-what-day-is-it state of mind when I woke up on the couch at approximately 7:40 p.m.

I gave our cat a (very) early dose of his 9:00 p.m. medication and was in bed and fast asleep before 8:00 p.m. Normally, this sets the stage for a very wakeful night. Not last night. I woke up five minutes before my alarm went off this morning. I felt like I had run the victory lap. "And the body slides in for the win!!!"

This time yesterday morning, I was still on hyper-drive. I was running on adrenaline and glory. I was hyped and excited about where-I-was-at with our family book project. I was trying very hard not to go into planning mode for our upcoming family reunion. My brain was flying at high speed and my body was rebelling. As I wrote about this yesterday morning, I described the sensation as "Light and Energized". Perhaps a more apt description would be "Exhausted and Manic".

When I woke up this morning, I was elated to simply feel 'normal' again. When this hyper-drive started slipping into high gear before I went to bed the night prior, all I could think is "I can't keep this pace until our reunion (two months from now)". I was fairly certain I would wake up feeling neutralized (and exhausted) and all would be right in my world. But when I woke up feeling like Speedy Gonzales on caffeine, I was a little nervous.

When my normal state of being returned after a good, solid nights sleep I was grateful. I was beyond grateful. I wondered how a person could go on, day after day if the body didn't win over a super-powered brain.

That endorphin high that I was running on was intoxicating. I was getting things done. I felt creative and excited and happy. Oh! So happy!!

What if I had gone into this mini-manic phase feeling the depths of depression first? Would I want to hold onto the hyper-drive and energy and happy for fear of slipping back down into an abyss of a sadness and despair when it was over?

I felt consciously aware that I had been just given a glimmer of insight. I could understand one very small piece of the dilemma a person faces, who may need to take medication to take the edge off the highs and lows.

I have often felt that I have some of the characteristics of those who suffer with depression (I also feel I fall into the spectrum of dissociative disorder, schizophrenia, obsessive compulsive, and simply a watered down version of every anxiety, mood and personality disorder out there). I wonder if all of us fall within the spectrum of many of these definitions.

I often wonder how I may feel if I didn't feel a connection with each of these personality 'disorders'. Writing and 'creating' come from a place that is other-worldly for me. I talk about this often and I like to believe there are spiritual reasons behind this. But what if it is simply a mild case of un-diagnosed mental illness? Would I want to take medication to alleviate these 'symptoms', when these very symptoms spur on creativity, words, thoughts and dreams that fuel and invigorate me? NO way!

I was so relieved my body kicked in and knocked out my brain last night. A good night's sleep was all I needed to relieve the pressure of running on all cylinders. I am grateful I don't need medication to take over when my body doesn't. I am just as grateful to feel that state of euphoria, the energy and creativeness that precedes the 'fall' back down to earth. I am eternally grateful that the fall is not too far.

I am back at 'sea level' once again. Perhaps in my case, it is more 'see level'. I see where I was, I see where I am, I see where I am headed. It is a hilly ride but it is not dangerous. More importantly, I see where others may be coming from in their own personal journey. My own experience gives me a glimmer of perspective.

I am grateful to be back. It was a short ride and there was no crash landing. Thank you 'body', for overriding my hyper-active 'brain'.

When everything 'works' we are so fortunate. We are so very, very fortunate so many days of our lives. And we simply don't realize it. Because we have come to expect things to just keep on working the way they have.

Each and every day I wake up and my day unfolds (more or less) the way I expect it to? I am grateful. I am so happy to be back at "see" level once again.

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