I need to crawl into my shell and regroup.
I have pushed myself through and beyond and long past my personal limits this past little while. I thought I was coming out the other side of it but I was wrong.
I have honored all commitments which have been placed before me. The little whiteboard on the side of our fridge is almost empty of dates and obligations. I want to erase it completely but I can't (instead, I cleared off some of the clutter on the kitchen counter).
I'm almost there.
I must tend to one (maybe two) more social obligations almost four weeks into the future.
Then there is work. Oh, work. I wish I was working for the money because then I would feel more in control of my weekend employment. Instead, I am working to help out a friend. It feels good when I am there. But it feels so awful when I see weekend after weekend committed. I would rather be surprised and simply not know ahead of time. I don't mind just 'showing up'. I just hate being scheduled to appear.
All I want for Christmas is an empty calendar.
A calendar which has no specified commitments or obligations. A calendar which is clear and empty and gives me the time, space and energy to show up whenever and wherever the spirit moves me.
I am good with going with where that 'spirit' takes be. It has never been wrong. I am always at the right place, at the right time when scheduling doesn't force my hand.
Do I want to go out for coffee? Yes. But let's not plan it. Let's just DO it.
Do I want to pop over for a visit? Sure. But don't ask me ahead of time. Ask me when you are ready and if I can come, I will be there.
Do I want to see a movie? Definitely! Let's just go on a whim though, okay?
I need to erase my whiteboard. I want to flip the calendar page and see ... nothing. I want to hunker down deep inside of myself and fill myself up with rest, solitude, reflection, quiet (oh, the quiet) and replenish the energy source deep inside of me.
I want to run away from it all. And I have the perfect place to go!! My family was already a step ahead of me and I have the gift cards, a gas card, spending money and a Tim Hortons gift card. All I have to do is show up.
I have it all and do you know where I want to go most of all???
I found another new room-with-a-door under my very own roof. My Second Son and his entourage moved out four and a half months ago. Since that time, I have been so wrapped up in the family book and reunion process that I had not stepped into that beautiful Fortress of Solitude until Sunday night.
I sunk deep into the sofa and lost myself to the world outside of that door. My Youngest Son and Junior Cat found me. They wandered in and out of the room at their leisure. I was surrounded by everyone and everything that means the world to me. And I was home.
I just want to enjoy my own company for a while. If you want to stop by, I will welcome you with open arms. If I don't have to leave my 'fortress', I will be a very happy camper indeed.
I have it all. And it is under this very roof. I don't have to take one step away from where I already am, to go where I most want to go.
I just need to regroup for a while. Don't be afraid to knock on my door. I will be oh-so-happy to see you. Just please don't ask me to leave for a while.