Thursday, November 6, 2014

Wordless (one could never tell by the following post)

My head is swimming with thoughts but I feel wordless.

Stepping back into life-as-I-know-it has felt a little bit overwhelming and a lot 'okay', but I am longing for quiet.

I want to sift through the thoughts that I barely had time to think over our family reunion weekend. I am so grateful that I don't have the pictures or videos at my fingertips right now because I feel the need to unwrap them quietly, like a gift, and relive the experience in my own way, in my own time.

When (a month ago) I booked myself an extra day off around the November long weekend, it was with absolutely no forethought. I was exhausted when I looked at that lonely Monday sitting in between a Sunday and a Holiday Tuesday and I do believe I swooned. I wanted that day to myself ...

I was granted that day off and I am beyond grateful.

I have done all-that-needs-to-be-done and I have four consecutive days off coming to me soon. Very soon.

I just need to get through this week.

I want to 'balance my books to zero'. I have collected and spent thousands upon thousands of dollars from my family. I know for a fact that every single penny is accounted for. But I have this undying need to balance to zero.

I have added and subtracted and divided and stood on my head to see things from a different perspective. But I cannot come to zero. I am within $10.00 which is close enough. But when I went to look at it again, I think I was up to $15.00 or so.

These little things do not rest within my brain. I have an accountant's mentality when it comes to numbers. There is absolutely no reason that I cannot unravel this mystery.

As I sit and play with my numbers, I cannot seem to make letters form words and words form paragraphs. My words are piling up inside of my head and I have not yet released them. I want to find an outlet for them before they get lost in the clutter of living out my regularly scheduled life.

I just need to get through the next two days. I need to turn off my internal calculator and look at the day that is sitting in front of me. I need to tune out the 'family stuff' (which I have no desire to do) and do the job that is set out before me.

Two more days.

I simply cannot wait to get back 'in the zone' of recalling and writing about my family reunion experience.

It was everything one could ever hope a family reunion to be. Laughter, joy, story-telling and simply feeling like you are a part of something great.

I still sit back and marvel at my grandparents and great-grandparents that I got to know so well as I assembled our family's memories. 'This' ... this feeling of connection and family harmony ... 'this' is what they wanted for us and guided us towards.

'Never lose touch with family' my great-grandmother told my uncle when he stayed with her. He never did....

My thoughts wander off and sit with my uncle as I write those words. He was unable to attend our reunion but he was so present with us despite that fact.

I talked with him yesterday and his voice was tonic for my soul. 'He' was behind me every single step along the way as I collected family memories and then tied it all up neatly with this little family gathering. 'He' was my inspiration, my encouragement, my guiding post, my editor and fact-finder. I am afraid I wore him out.

I am a little lost at sea as my uncle finds his own sea legs again. Maybe that is part of the reason my words are bottled up inside. I'm concerned ...

I cannot wait to submerse myself in memories this upcoming weekend. I am counting on the words flowing out of my fingertips and out of my brain. I need to put all of this together in a way I can unwrap and reread and remember ten years from now. Or even tomorrow.

I need to be quiet and revel in all that brought me to 'today'. Even the words inside of me are longing to 'balance to zero'.

Soon. Very soon...

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