Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Daring to Dream Again

"So, what are your plans for the rest of the evening?" the nurse at the blood donor clinic asked me as I was going through the steps which proceeded my blood donation that evening.

"I am going home to be interviewed by my son. He is working on a school project and part of his assignment is to interview a parent about 'relationships'". I added, "I asked my son if I was qualified for the job because I am obviously not successful on maintaining one!"

"You aren't married? I assumed you were because of your ring."

"Oh, that's my mom's wedding band. It's the only finger it fits and I don't want t take a chance of misplacing it. So until I figure out whether I should have it soldered together with her engagement ring, this is where it is safest."

"Oh, I suppose that's okay if you aren't looking for someone."

Really? Could it be that simple? 'Love' wasn't finding its way back into my world because of a simple band of gold on my ring finger?

I thought it was the impenetrable walls I have erected around myself and only coming out of my fortress of solitude when absolutely necessary and by not making eye contact with anyone of the opposite sex and my solemn vow to myself that I did not have time for such nonsense while I was working on my dad's book project.


I got home and tried to see if Mom's ring would fit on any other finger. Nope. I gazed at it and wondered "Where do you belong?" and I put it back on my ring finger. I feel 'married' to my family in every way. So I suppose that is my answer.

Then I started to wonder about the whole idea of 'meeting someone' again.

Yesterday morning, I awoke from a dream where I had an admirer.

We laughed together and respected each other. There was a faint twinkle in his eye (remember, this is all a dream) and my heart smiled.

In my dream sequence, this admirer slipped a card under my door. Simply signed with his name.

Then, upon further examination, it wasn't just a card. It had several pages. It was his 'bucket list' and beside the odd item he made a notation of the items he had already checked off. Then there were a few items where he had written "Something I'd like to do with you..." (or some such sentiment - it was yesterday's dream and has lost its vivid quality this morning).

I awoke with a light and happy heart.

Yes. That is exactly how it would and should happen. Someone I've known forever finally sees a crack in my armor and speaks to me in a language I know well.

That twinkle in the eye. Shared laughter. Shared dreams. And the simplicity of spelling it out for me in a simple yet perfect card (yes, my dreams are totally G-rated).

The G-rating is exactly where I am comfortable. Anything beyond that rating has me running for cover and battening down the hatches within this fortress of solitude I have created. It is beautiful in here.

I feel my armor cracking and I see a little bit of space in my life.

Soon after I wrapped up the 'book project', I remembered the quiet resolve I made to myself. "No relationship until this is done!"

Would life interject someone new (or old and familiar) into my world because there was now an available space and energy for such a diversion?

I trembled in fear at the idea.

Yet ... if 'Gary' (yes, the ficticious-man-of-my-dream came with a name and he spelled it with one "r") was to look into my eyes and drop me a line, would I run for cover? Or would I take a chance again?

I wonder if I will ever find out.

I thought I was too old to think of such things. It is nice to feel light and young-at-heart once again. It feels a little bit exhilarating to be open to whatever may come my way.

I'm not removing Mom's ring though. I am not that brave.

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