Friday, January 16, 2015

Incomplete Thoughts

I started three blog posts this week which I never did come back and complete.

My day started walking in earlier than anticipated and my thoughts walked off the job. Is that an excuse or an explanation?

It is an excuse.

I haven't been too inspired to write about anything, nothing or something special. My brain has been sitting in limbo and gotten stuck there. I think I just need to write without purpose for a while and see if I can unclog the brain-to-fingertip connection that usually fires up on demand.

The brain-to-fingertip connection. It is amazing to me. I can sit down and think I am going to write about one thing, but if I don't censor my thought processes, my fingertips often type out a completely different message than the one I think I have on a certain day.

Maybe I'm trying to censor my thoughts. Maybe I have simply run out of things to say (doubtful). Maybe I am not living an interesting enough life to create new thoughts and ideas. Maybe I just need 'fifteen minutes more'.

I have mourned the loss of that fifteen minutes at the onset of my day all week (with one of my daycare families arriving earlier than anticipated). Instead of taking a proactive approach and getting out of bed fifteen minutes earlier, I seem to be letting this one small change fester and grow.

Little things like an evolving nap-time within my daycare family have threatened my sense of quiet within our day.

We have routines and limits and structure within our day-at-daycare. There may be times of chaos and confusion but when it comes to nap time, I am rigid.

We all do better (me included!) after a period of quiet. I have witnessed overtired kids learn to override their 'sleep mechanisms' by jerking, twisting, moving, talking and generally doing-whatever-it-takes to keep themselves awake. Then once they miss that opportunity to let their body shut down for a short period, they cry at the drop of a pin. Emotions are over-the-top. From anger to giddiness to their ability (and desire) to listen. A tired child is not fun to be around. An overtired child? Don't get me started.

Then the 'quiet suggestions' from parents about waking a sleeping child. Or getting outside (we already were, but it was still pretty cool and we weren't out long). Or making a snowman on a day where it is too cold for the snow to make a snowball.

Some people are walking into my world ahead of schedule. Others are telling me how to run my day.

Then there is the one who is grateful for everything I do and gives me the okay to 'just be me' and direct our world in the best way I know how.

I know I am feeling super-sensitive this week. I can tell the way little things are not rolling off my back. Nothing has really changed. All that has changed is the way I am reacting to it.

It is now "fifteen minutes early" and I have opened my blinds, turned on the lights and unlocked the door. I'm begging no one to walk through said door for ten more minutes but I am trying so very hard to let myself be open to the reality that is my day.

I am meeting new people who will be starting to come to my daycare as spots open up. Even though one-year-olds are a lot of work, I am ready, willing and able to take on a new challenge and start again.

I think that is what I miss about Daycare 1.0. The first time I ran my daycare, there was much more coming and going. Different ages and stages and schedules and personalities. It was challenging. But it was never boring. I think my little two-year-old is bored. When he is bored, he gets into trouble.

Maybe we are all a little bored with the same-old, same-old around here. It is quite likely time to shake things up a little.

That is what is in store for us this year. It scares and exhilarates me at the same time.

Change is a necessary evil. Whether we like it or not, that is the only thing we can truly count on.

I am not ready for some of the change I foresee in my future. The ground beneath my feet has been unsteady. I don't like being in that place between the known and the unknown. But that seems to be exactly where I spent a great deal of time this week.

What do I know?

I know (more or less) what today will bring. I have anticipated some of the challenges and tried to prepare for them.

I know I must work this upcoming weekend. I haven't received the confirmation call but when we last spoke, it sounds like a two-day-working-weekend. This is not my favorite way to spend a weekend. Quite likely this is playing havoc with my coping skills this week.

I know I am meeting a new daycare family tomorrow. I am looking forward to this. I am looking at these young, new families and seeing the 'future'. Hope, anticipation and job security all rolled into one.

I know I have a chance to start over.

Every minute. Each morning. Every time I think I should have done better, I know I can start from that moment on and go forward.

It's been a tough week. Today could be the day it changes.

Attitude is everything. The right attitude is gratitude. And that is where I shall begin. I am grateful to feel like I know what to expect today. And tomorrow. That is much more than a lot of people have.

It is all in the moments.

The minutes are ticking by and I have been granted some of those extra minutes I lost at the onset of the week.

My family who has been arriving fifteen minutes is not yet here. I just gained twelve minutes I didn't think I may have.

My day is off to a good start.

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