Apparently I was in the twilight zone at 9:51 p.m., as the phone on the nightstand beside my bed rang a minimum of four times and I didn't hear a thing until my bookkeeping boss' voice woke me up as she was in the process of leaving me a message.
She has to leave town this weekend so we will be unable to work, as previously planned. I was so disappointed (not really).
I have not yet completed the project I was supposed to do at home, to lessen our load this weekend so I was just a small bit elated.
That job went from "I must get it done before I go into work tomorrow" to "I must get it done so I can fully enjoy my unexpected day off tomorrow!!"
Same end result. Different level of elation (or not).
I must have become accustomed to letting unfinished business weigh me down over the course of (not) completing my dad's family's book of memories. Because I seem to be weighed down an awful lot lately.
The ten minute task of writing my daycare receipts for my families felt daunting this year. The receipt book sat on the computer desk for almost two weeks before I wrapped up that job yesterday afternoon.
Another ten minute job related to my son's bookkeeping work has been shelved (possibly because I know this will lead up to year end tax work).
I didn't write my mom's weekly letter (which I try to do on Monday) until Wednesday.
I haven't swept the kitchen floor all week. Nor have I vacuumed. I found a sticky patch of floor in the kitchen yesterday and swiped down one piece of the floor. And nothing else.
I delayed sending an email to the family (which was of a 'copy and paste' variety) because it felt too hard to do.
I find it harder and harder to wake up in the morning. Writing has become work and something I squeeze into the minutes before my day takes over.
I think I am feeling the January Blues. I just want to curl up on the couch and read, watch TV, play solitaire and work up an appetite to want to snack (even snacking has become something that I find hard to squeeze into my day).
It has been a long month.
I know I am the one who is in control of turning things around and changing the drudgery of my days.
Morning is key for me. Sleeping in that extra hour has given me a little more wakefulness at the end of my day. But sleeping in has also deprived me of the time I used to do 'hard things'.
Six impossible things before lunch has become a daunting task. Those impossible things have boiled down to:
- Getting out of bed
- Getting dressed
- Opening the blinds
- Unlocking the door
- Allowing the day to 'walk in'
- Smiling and accepting my fate
I feel drained. The less I do, the more I want to do less.
I crave solitude. The more alone I feel, the more I want to be alone.
I'm teetering on the edge of sadness, but I know I am truly content underneath my exterior. I feel like I am conserving my resources for an uncertain fate.
I think it is time for a weekend. I am grateful that is exactly what is in store for me, ten hours from now.
Now it is time to make the most of these ten hours, so the weekend I think I need so badly is free and clear of obligations.