Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Slow Dancing (for now)

Tonight's Gonna Be a Good Night ... ("I've Got a Feeling") was the song playing on the radio this morning when I was finally ready to accept my fate and greet the day ahead.

This was the 'theme song' they played at a dance competition I attended five short years ago. Every time some big award was given out, they would play the chorus of this song:

"I gotta feeling (oooooo hoooo) that tonight's gonna be a good night 
That tonight's gonna be a good night 
That tonight's gonna be a good good night"
The Black Eyed Peas

My heart started to beat to the tempo of this song. I sat back and marvelled at those receiving awards and thought of how the memory of the evening would replay each and every time they heard that chorus. 

It was akin to the emotion I used to feel watching beauty pageants in my youth. I could put myself in their shoes and feel the tide of emotion sweep over me. 

For years (and years) every single time I heard that theme song, I was transported back in time. Back to that competition. Back to the euphoria. Back to the moments of excitement I felt during that Cinderella-at-the-ball weekend.

The song brought back a feeling of happiness, dreams-come-true and pure and utter joy.

I laid in bed this morning and heard that very same song.

I tried to muster the joy I felt when that song first walked into my life. It was as if I was watching the highlight reel of someone else's life. 

I was a different person back then.

I have changed and evolved and grown. I like a lot of the changes. I miss the passion I felt during those glory days though.

I am grateful my life isn't one big Dance Competition.

It took a lot of energy to primp and prepare for those two days of glitz. Fake tan, eyelash extensions, gel finger and toenails, crazy hair color, new hair style, costumes, evening wear, make-up and jewelry. It was fun while it lasted but it took a lot of energy to maintain the aura of 'a dancer'.

Oh, my dancing days.

It was a good run. It was a very good run! I loved every moment of it. Until I didn't.

What has changed? In a nutshell? Me.

I care more about what I look like on the 'inside' than on the 'outside'. 

I have more fun dancing like no one is watching, than worrying about the intricacies of technique and perfection because everyone is watching.

The sad part is - I don't dance anymore. No where. 

I don't dance in the kitchen like I used to. I don't go to dances. I miss the social interaction and the movement to music while surrounded with a group of people who share that passion.

It is less about the dance and more about the passion. 

I miss that girl. But I'm glad I once knew and embodied her. 

The day will come when the lyrics "Tonight's gonna be a good night..." will make my heart sing again.

Just not this morning. Just not today.

Life's ebbs and flows. I am not going to fight it. I'm just feeling what I'm feeling for as long as I need to feel it. I have the feeling if I fight it, it is going to come back and overwhelm me.

I don't feel like dancing right now. But I will. I know I will. I loved it too much not to fall back in love with it again.

In the interim, I'm just slow-dancing through the days.

Written Feb 15, 2010:

Coming Home

All good things must come to an end. So it is, with the Great Dance Adventure of 2010.

What lies on the horizon? Who knows. If someone would have told me I would have had this opportunity a year ago, I wouldn't have believed them. That fact alone makes me believe that absolutely anything is possible.

Life isn't full of grand adventures ... it is defined by how we walk through our daily routines.

The gift, is to find adventure in everything you do. Make each day the best day of your life-so-far. Every single morning, we awake to endless possibilities. Sure, they aren't all fun and games ... but even a bad day is a day to be conquered. Like climbing a mountain. You can only appreciate the view as you near the top. The view is fleeting ... the struggle is what builds your character and lasts forever.

Yes, this Dance Event has come and gone. The moment was fleeting, in the whole scheme of things. What will I remember? The challenge, the struggles, the fun, the adventure, the novelty, the people ...

Throughout this voyage, I have heard so much from so many. Encouragement, advise, support and friendship. When all of the memories fade, as memories do ... I will hold onto the words, the friends and the people who have made this such a Memorable Time in My Life.

I'm headed home as I write this ... back to earth and back to the reality that is my life. It's a good life - a life that I'm thrilled is awaiting my return. What if I didn't have that? An everyday-life that I savor, surrounded with people that inspire and fuel me. There is no Grand Adventure in the world, that could make up for not having what I've had all along.

I have a most wonderful life. I have fulfilled a most amazing dream. I am ready to put my feet back on the ground and go forward from here.

As always ... it feels good to be coming home.

No comments:

Post a Comment