I can't seem to snap myself out of this.
I am empty. Without words. Without energy. Without enthusiasm. Without plans. I feel lifeless.
I know doing something to push me out and through this state of inertia is necessary. Clean out a drawer! Cull through a closet! Wash a floor! "Do something!!" is what I keep telling myself.
But I seem to be stuck in a rut of doing not-much-of-anything.
I have excuses, alibis, explanations and a whole pile of half-truths which let me off the hook. I keep placing one foot carefully in front of the other and plod through the days.
I am checking off things-that-must-be-done (that obviously don't involve cleaning) and X-ing off the days on the calendar like a kid counting down the days until summer holidays.
I couldn't drag myself out of bed with my alarm this morning (who in the world sets their alarm for 4:30?!! I must fix that!). But even when a more decent rising time came, then went, time after time, all I could think was "Why get up this early? Sleep. Rest. Revitalize yourself!"
Two hours after my alarm went off, I found myself sitting at this empty screen, with an empty brain. "What do I have to say? Where did my words go? What is my problem??"
Then I started going through the archives of this blog. I think I found my answer.
It is February.
The lack of sunshine, the excess of winter, the cold, the snow and too much time indoors has taken its toll.
I go through this each and every year.
Last year, I brushed myself off and pushed myself through starting the process of completing our family's book project. One moment, it was the coldest day in history and I was granted an unexpected weekend off (which kick-started the book project) and the next thing I knew, it was almost a year later.
I do have things to do.
One of the editors I write for keeps asking me if I have 'started my book' yet. He seems to think the columns I write are book-worthy. I highly doubt I have the makings for real, live book but it doesn't hurt to dream impossible dreams and believe anything is possible.
I'll settle for getting everyone's income taxes done and sending out my next month's worth of columns. Perhaps I'll even clean something. I'm not sure what. Maybe I'll start with that clutter of stuff-to-be-donated sitting in one corner of my bedroom. Or maybe I'll settle for vacuuming the living room.
I just have to do something. Because doing nothing is exhausting.
Okay, February - I am sick to death of you. It's time you and I broke up! I'll give you four more days. That's it. Then it's over. I never want to see you again! I am so over you!!