Just twenty four hours ago, I sat in this very chair wondering what I would be waking up to this morning.
As we walked through the past four weeks of waiting, wondering, hoping, guessing, projecting, mentally preparing ourselves and thinking of very tentative strategies, I couldn't help but think of the irony if something completely and totally unexpected stepped in and brought us back into the moment (instead of looking into a future we knew nothing about).
Nothing did, within our own little world. Everything did, outside our protected little family unit.
As my sister spoke of the great relief and quiet rejoicing we felt at the news it is unlikely that our mom has cancer, she mentioned how strange it seemed to feel happy when a young girl (who was at the cancer clinic with her mom) was talking of needing to have chemo ...
Why do young people die and receive devastating news while those who have lived a long, rewarding and full life get a reprieve?
There is absolutely no rhyme nor reason (in my mind) over who gets to live and who gets to die in life's little handbook.
My heart aches for the loss of a friend (of a friend)'s 32 year old daughter who died tragically and unexpectedly one week after my 86 year old mother sat down in her doctor's office and was told that she had a growth which "appeared to be cancer".
One family is reeling with grief and sorrow over the loss of a vital and young person who had and was 'changing the world'.
Another family is celebrating the fact their mother, who has lived a completely different but equally meaningful life and is in her 'twilight years', has been told there is a great likelihood this is not cancer.
We are so relieved and grateful to hear that surgery (which is still no small matter) and the healing and recovery period afterwards should fix what ails Mom.
How will we utilize what we learned, felt and reflected upon during this four week waiting period? Will anything or anyone change as a result of the reminder that life is precious and sometimes you don't get second chances?
I was going to go and see Mom this upcoming weekend if yesterday's news was not good. Instead? I'm proceeding with my trip to Vegas with my sister, to see Dancing With the Stars (which was booked two months ago).
I thought I would go out and see her the following weekend instead. But I have already found out I must work that weekend.
Instead of running out immediately, I am planning to go out in and around her surgery date.
I feel like 'life' is mocking me and my belief that we can actually plan ahead. "So you think you can make plans, do you?!??"
Yet, that is exactly what I wanted to do with those who were/are facing uncertain times. "Let's make plans beyond tomorrow. Let's believe we have the ability to do so. Let's look beyond this uncertain (and scary) time and believe good things are on the horizon."
It can be a long road between planning and reality. That road can be under construction and full of delays. But it still feels important to focus on future hopes and dreams.
I'll keep hoping and dreaming and planning. I will remember just how quickly plans can change. But I will still look toward the horizon and believe anything is possible.