Saturday, February 28, 2015

My Disney World Life

Thank you, Facebook. You saved me from myself once again.

I woke up feeling bluer than blue. Perhaps even bluer than navy. I felt black. I felt dark. I felt like there was a hole in my heart.

I thought "What in the world am I going to write about when I feel like this? I do not want to perpetuate this feeling!"

What you think about you bring about.

Your thoughts become your words .

I needed to climb off this train headed no where and jump onto the back of a steed headed somewhere.

I made my morning smoothie and cup of coffee. I sat down in front of the computer thinking dreary thoughts.  "What am I going to read this morning?" (most of the blog authors I read do not post on the weekends).

I turned to Facebook with little hope of finding anything new there either because I had read it late last night when I finally sat down to eat my supper around 11:00 p.m.

Then I found a quiz that intrigued me. "Which Disney Mom Are You Most Like?"

I was disheartened when the questions were too black and white. I'm a middle-of-the-road kind of girl. Having to choose black OR white, I had little hope this silly little quiz (I am deluded to believe these quizzes have true validity) would capture my essence. 

This was my result. Other than the last sentence, I think it captures the-mother-in-me pretty good:

A gracious mother with a calm exterior and a fierce spirit, you are most like Sarabi of "The Lion King!" You are no stranger to tragedy, and have rebuilt yourself from the ground up at least once in your life - making you all the stronger. By birth, you are tough, honest, and extremely protective - a fierce guardian of any loved ones, but mostly your own cubs. "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" - and you would put yourself through hell and back for your family, and never ask a single thing in return... Which kind of makes you a saint - so show this to your children the next time they do something stupid!

I needed to reroute my thoughts this morning. I woke up feeling absolutely lost. And this Disney Mom comparison reminded me of who I am (not who I hope to be).

I sat down smack dab in the middle of my most favorite world last night. And I didn't belong there. Was it because I forgot to bring my 'glass slippers'? Was it because I was sitting three chairs away from my Happily Ever After? 

I felt like Cinderella after her step sisters destroyed the beautiful gown that Cinderella and her forest friends had created. I felt tattered and torn. And my Fairy Godmother did not cast a spell upon me which lasted until midnight. 

I went as I was, bad haircut and all.

I sat and I dreamed of the days I enjoyed basking in the energy, the fun and feeling like a part of a whole.

I miss my dancing days. But I just don't know if I can picture myself returning to them either.

It was as if my dream bubble popped last night. "You don't fit here any more" is what I felt. It was NOT my reality though. I sat among people I knew. I felt a kinship with those I had attended so many dance functions with. I was in a place where a lot of people knew my name...

Except I didn't feel like I was living up to the name I had 'created' within those dancing walls. I felt like a shadow of who I used to be. A shadow with bad hair, comfy shoes and an outfit which screamed DON'T LOOK AT ME!! 

If I could have vanished into thin air, I would have. 

I was so disappointed in myself. I created all of those feelings within my little brain all by myself. I did not have the assistance of anyone else. 

I exited quietly long before midnight. I didn't race down the stairs and loose a glass slipper. My comfy Doctor Scholl's shoes took me from "A" to "B". 

It wasn't a dream. It wasn't a fairy tale. It was real life. And I failed. 

I woke up this morning feeling lost and forlorn and extremely 'navy'.

Then I took that Facebook Quiz and it reminded me who I am. Who I have been. Who I will always be. 

My role of Sarabi is a part of my life story. The mother of 'lion cubs'. I am more than a mother. But being a mom has always grounded me and helped me make the best decisions when the chips were down. 

It may be time to reexamine what else I want to do with my life. But as I head off tomorrow, to spend the next three days nestled in among my family and my First Born Son, I will be reminded of the other starring roles I have in my life. Daughter and Sister. 

I think I just need to be with my family right now. Maybe the dancing dreams will return one day. Just not today ...

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