Trying

I haven't felt this way in a very long, long time.

I am second guessing everything I say, do or think. I'm beating myself up and wearing myself down. I'm not enough of anything. To anyone. I feel like I am offending everyone in my path.

In other words, I think I'm PMSing (without the "M").

I used to get this surge of emotions. One day. Out of every ninety, to a hundred and twenty days or so. It was never monthly. But it happened on occasion, where I would get all neurotic and down on myself. Then the next day I would wake up and realize just what some people were talking about when they said they were overwhelmed with an emotional and hormonal cocktail around 'that time'.

Not me. Oh no, never me. Until it was me. Sometimes. Not all the time.

Well? I think that perhaps those times I never felt 'hormonal' have all stockpiled and decided to kick me when I'm down.

In my perfect world, I would close the blinds turn on nothing but white Christmas lights, a reading lamp and the TV.

In my perfect world, I would unplug the phone, the Internet, my cell phone and lock the doors.

In my perfect world, I would sit in the middle of all of 'this' and privately write my way through the rubble (because I think all of 'this' is as a result of the way I am reacting to life-at-the-moment). I would get to the bottom of this crappy outlook on life and find my own way through it.

In a word? In my perfect world, I would simply be alone.

I have been out and about and talking and writing and texting and emailing and socializing and pretending I am someone-I-am-not FAR. TOO. MUCH.

I need to hole up inside of myself and simply reflect.

I have been gadding about much too much. I just want to stay home and collect my thoughts. But I can't.

I have been trying so very, very hard to be the person I think I should be but failing miserably. I am trying to do 'what I do best' but everything I try to do or be is falling flat.

I just want to stop trying. I just need to exist.

I sat still near the end of my daycare day and did exactly that. I didn't worry about structuring play or the house or organizing life-after-my-daycare-day-ended before it ended. I just sat there.

Toys were strewn all across the living room and no one was playing with any of them. We just sat still in our mess. And it was good.

That is exactly what I need to do. Just sit still in my mess and feel okay with that.

I'm not certain how I will attain that lofty goal but I think knowing what I need to do is the first step. Sitting still in chaos is hard but necessary sometimes. I don't need to 'be' or 'do' or 'fix' or 'call'. I just need to be still.

If I sit still enough, I will find my center again.

I am so far off balance I know the road to my sanity begins with finding my equilibrium and taking small steps forward from there. Or not. Maybe I'll just sit still and enjoy the sensation of being okay with the stillness.

I'm sure there is a term for this. Depression? Hormones? Or simply my obsessive compulsive desire to feel in 'control' of things by doing something.

Sometimes, the hardest thing of all, is to do is nothing. Something tells me that is exactly what I need to do.