Friday, June 19, 2015

To Plan or Not to Plan

I am feeling like "planning ahead" is simply not working for me these days.

My frivolous trip to Las Vegas, to see "Dancing With the Stars - Live" in the dead of winter, felt like the most ill-timed trip ever, as Mom's appointment at the cancer clinic was the day before our date of our departure.

It all turned out well. Mom's appointment was light and easy and breezy and she sent us on our way with the best possible news we could have hoped for on that leg of her journey.

I came home and had little on my agenda for the year ahead other than a family reunion. As soon as I got the green light from Mom, I booked us a "room at the inn" (actually a suite at a school which has been converted to rooms) and that was all I could do for sure.

Then Mom hinted she wouldn't mind going out to see my uncle.

I took that cue and ran with it. I found out all the information and all Mom had to do was say "yes". And she did.

We are booked to leave in a week and a half.

Suddenly, my "plan" doesn't sound so good. Mom seems to be having reservations about the flight, with good reason. She has had a long time issue with a "funny feeling" head which doctors have been unable to resolve. Add that existing condition to a 3.5 hour plane ride and I can see Mom's reason for questioning if this is a good idea.

Add to that, the fact that my uncle will be moving into his new apartment the very day we are scheduled to arrive and that just seems like an awful lot of "stuff" for him to be dealing with in one day.

My cousin assured me that she thought it was still a good idea. She said the company would probably be a good diversion for him throughout his transition.

Then I talked with my uncle and I heard the hesitation in his voice. My immediate reaction was "hold your horses". This is too much, all at once.

He is planning on coming out here for a family reunion the weekend following our visit, so our pending visit feels ill timed all around.

If he was the kind of uncle who would be content with just a few quiet visits and maybe a shared meal or three, it would still seem okay to go and visit at this busy juncture of his life. But he is the "host with the most" and he seems to feel he has to gad about and entertain Mom & I while we are out there.

I am seriously considering backing out of everything at the moment. Or make some revisions to "Plan A". But most of all, I am feeling like "planning" is something I just can't/shouldn't be doing right now. It is impossible to know what tomorrow brings, let alone two months ahead of time.

I feel suffocated at times, when I plan too much yet I thrive on the "dream state" of looking ahead and making headway towards a goal.

Maybe I have found my own answer. Maybe I should redirect my plans should be inward or at least close to home.

Maybe I should paint a bedroom or a hallway. Maybe I should finish cleaning the garage or kitchen cupboards. Maybe I should return an email or two and plan to go out for supper or a movie.

Short term planning, close to home may be where it's at for me.

Why are those plans the ones I am shunning most of all? Is it because they are too close to home when I am dreaming outside of that particular box? Or is it because I am in a state of "running away" from what needs the most work.

I think I just may need to plan to be still and complete just one small project. Perhaps if I started taking better care of my home, I wouldn't feel the need to run away from it ...

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