Drought, running on empty, null and void, writer's block. Call it what you may but I feel like I have nothing to say these days.
My thoughts haven't stopped filling my head but so very many of them aren't worth sharing (who really wants to hear about the fact that I did not open a paint can for the second weekend in a row?).
My financial state of affairs is taking up far too much room in my brain and I do not like where that leads. I just need to get through this upcoming state of transition within my daycare world (and income) so I can relax. Change is hard. Change which is mirrored with an unknown pay cheque factor to boot is even harder.
My post holiday high crashed and burned out when my weekend employment returned. Then when I got an unexpected day off this past weekend, I wasted it. I sat still with my current financial state of affairs, colored my hair and went to Walmart. That was all I did to utilize the nine hours I would have been out of the house, earning a wage. A wage I can ill afford to lose right now.
I don't like when money overtakes my thoughts.
There is so much that I do which doesn't cost a penny. So why am I not doing that?
Writing, phoning someone, painting, cooking, cleaning, decluttering, sifting through the excesses within our world and seeing if I can sell off anything which may have value to someone else are all things I could be doing.
I could call a friend. I could issue a supper invitation. I could write a letter or card or email to any number of people I haven't spoke with for far too long. Why am I not doing any of the above?
Because I feel empty. My words feel empty and hollow. Outbound calls take an energy I just don't have. Visiting depletes me. Leaving the house feels like I have left my oxygen tank behind.
I am in a cocoon stage right now. The butterfly stage always follows this one.
I wrote those words and stopped in my tracks. The butterfly stage is the stage where I open up my dream box and pull out one or two. This is the point in time where I often plan some frivolous, energy boosting excursion which propels me forward and through the moment I am in.
House renovations have depleted me.
They have consumed my thoughts, my time, my energy and my bank book. As much as they have motivated me and spurred me on, they have taken a hefty financial toll. They have taken away my ability to dream.
When I dream, I like to dream about enhancing that which I already have. I guess that is what my house renovations has been. Except I am enhancing a "thing". Not a feeling. Or relationship. Or passion.
My happiest days are the days where I am fully immersed in that-which-fills-me-up. Music, dancing, family, friendship, writing, singing and dancing to the beat of my life.
Somehow, my finances always came through for me when I pursued the dreams of my heart. My heart isn't invested in our house. It is invested on our home, which shelters from the storms of life.
Do I invest in a new living room window to shelter us from the outside weather or not? That is the question.