Friday, August 7, 2015

Writers Block

My word well feels like it is running dry and I am not quite sure whether to dig deeper, start digging somewhere new or fill up the hole and walk away.

I'm disappointed my holiday at home did not replenish my word supply. It seems I can only fulfill one part of me at a time these days.

This past holiday set me up for disaster. Not really. That is a little dramatic. But what this past holiday did was open my eyes to how badly our home has fallen into disrepair. Suddenly "that" is where I want to direct my resources.

Then I looked at my credit card balance. This rate of spending cannot be maintained for much longer. I must cut back. Which brings me back to what I can do for free.

Writing does not cost a cent. Writing is free therapy for me. In fact I even get paid a small amount to write.

I unleash my thoughts and set them free. By setting my words free it feels like I have opened so many windows of opportunity.

I am a pretty open book. When you are open, you invite others to open up about themselves. This creates an atmosphere where "real conversations" can happen.

I thrive on "real".

Suddenly my fingers stopped typing. Perhaps that is the crux of my problem here. Maybe I stopped being real. Bare with me for a moment so I can scan some of my recent posts to see if I've been "real" or just pretending ...


Okay, I'm back. I wasn't gone long. I didn't learn much. What I did find is that I don't write well when my head is occupied with to-do-lists.

I write better after living a truly fulfilling or a truly awful event. But if too much time elapses before I can sit down and write about "said event", my words lose their power.

I need time to wade through my early morning thoughts and I can already feel the daylight trickling out of my morning quiet time and there is a small ache that is starting to form.

I don't like to squeeze writing in as part of my things-to-do-before-7:30 routine. I like to sit and mellow with a cup of coffee and go with the flow. The trouble is, even when I had that gift of time during my holiday I didn't utilize it to write.

I used to send off random emails, letters and cards on a regular basis. I don't do that so much any more. When I do, it feels right and it feels good. I know I need to do more of that.

How do I best invest that which I have so it grows instead of dwindles? Do I quit writing my columns? They are not extraordinary. They are simply the best I have to offer from a month of trying to write most days.

I have started an email to one of my editors with a highly edited version of "all of the above" and it ends with "... and I don't think you are getting your money's worth out of me".

I am letting that sit for a while before I decide what part of it to send.

Should I quit? Should I continue to do what I do and just do my best? Or do I just need to get more "real" in my writing and dare to speak what is really going on in my mind? And do I even know what that is any more?

I have been editing my thoughts and censoring my words before they are written. Not that I have been thinking anything all that deep but I am terribly concerned about anyone taking offence to that-which-I-write. So I write carefully.

Can I write carefully and still be honest and real? I think I have in the past. I feel ruled by "fear" at the moment. I am not exactly certain why.

I do know that fear is my enemy. It robs me of power, energy, faith and trust.

Maybe it is the moon. Most days I feel "good enough". Today? I feel like dirt. I feel trampled on, worn out and messy.

Maybe today is not the day to sent that email off to my editor. Maybe I'll save that for a more powerful kind of day. I feel one on the horizon.

My weekend has gone from one where I knew I had it "off" three weeks ago and I had already started the celebration in my mind. Then a few days ago, I got the call that idea was cancelled and "We can work!" Then yesterday, I received another call that said "Let's not work until next weekend". My celebratory mood lost a bit of its momentum but I think I can find it.

"Numbers" is not where it is at for me. I enjoy the challenge. I like to know I can do this, learn things and expand my horizons. But never in a million years would I choose to wake up and work with numbers all day.

"Words" are my salvation. I think I'm going to start restructuring and strengthening my existing well. They are there somewhere. I just need a little bit of rain to fill up that which has run dry.

Pick yourself up and dust yourself off this morning. Do your best. Don't fight your enemies when you are weak. Just persevere. One forward step at a time.

Recharge yourself in whatever manner works for you.

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