This paragraph was taken from an email I sent out at the end of "quiet time", during my daycare day yesterday.
I started the same day needing to speak to another adult. I sent out an SOS to my friend who also runs a daycare from her home: "Craving adult conversation today. I think I've been too quiet lately..."
We talked and she told me what I needed to do.
"Make a decision." "Get rid of the pile of dirt that is sitting in your back yard." And so on and so forth.
Yes, I woke up in the middle of the night and slept fitfully for the remaining hours before my alarm went off because of a pile of dirt.
I have things that
I have paperwork to finish off and deliver for my mom. I have columns due. I want to write up a newsletter for my daycare families.
Why can't I pick up a paint brush any more? Why don't I get rid of the box of donations I have collected? Why can't I wipe down the outside of the kitchen cupboards? Or clean a window? Why is doing laundry so hard?
I can't decide what to do about so many pesky little things. Making a decision about any little thing has blown into epic proportions.
I crave solitude but I need people. I need to talk but I have nothing to say. I need to leave the house but I want to stay alone.
My brain is conflicted over every little thing lately. Deciding what is for lunch has become one of the hardest parts of my day. If one of my daycare family disrupts "quiet time", I feel like my world is going to collapse all around me.
I have started today with an empty clothes hamper and a nearly empty dishwasher. I have pulled out phone numbers so I can arrange to get my hair cut and have someone come to blow out our back yard sprinklers. I have picked out four columns to polish up and submit. Mom's paperwork is sitting on a table in the kitchen.
Today is the day I do something.
Doing nothing weighs heavy on my mind. I can't carry the weight any more so I have to dump some of the weight.
I hate fall. The shorter days are messing with my mind. I'm not sure what to do except I know I must do something.
Today is the day I recoup from "Sunday".
I took another Cat Day and wasted all of the daylight hours catching up on watching TV programs I had "PVR'd" (because our hard drive on the PVR had bad sectors and I was going to lose everything I had taped).
It was a tough job but "someone" had to do it. I can't afford to do nothing when there is so much to do.
It is payback time. Time to get up the couch, stay awake and literally "move some dirt" so I can shift my focus from "what I have to do" to "what I have done".
It is time to do something.