I am struggling with an almost debilitating commitment issue these days. If someone told me I would never have to leave the house again, I may be the happiest person alive.
I quite literally shut down after my daycare doors close for the day. My blinds are drawn, the doors are locked and I done.
My definition of perfect evening is a day when the cat litter has already been cleaned and a quick, self serve supper is all that is on my agenda. To be in my pj's by 6:00 p.m. is a dream come true.
I don't form coherent sentences after 7:00 p.m. without an additional caffeine boost. Yes, I can accept spur of the moment "Do you want to meet for coffee?" dates. These are best issued in the form of "Do you want to meet in fifteen minutes?" This same date booked a day in advance creates no end of angst in my disturbed little mind.
The onerous job of buying groceries takes everything I have leftover at the end of a day. This job cannot be combined with cooking supper or having a shower or a coffee date.
Buying groceries entails leaving the house when I least want to leave it, spending money I don't want to spend and then coming home and unpacking the car and putting everything away. It never fails. I always have a ton of stuff to unpack because each time I shop, it is like I am expecting the world to come to an end. "If I just buy everything I think I'll need for the next two months, maybe I won't have to come back!" Then I run out of milk and the whole procedure has to be repeated in a week or less.
Then there are the regularly scheduled appointments. The cat's nail trims and blood donations. Each time I get those jobs done and over with, I am flooded with relief because maybe, just maybe "next week" I won't have to leave the house. But I do. Because I am out of milk. Again!
Marking a "date" on the calendar is like counting down the days until a dentist appointment is over with. Something that should be fun, uplifting and something to look forward to becomes Doomsday to me. "Just get it over with..." seems to be the mantra in my head as social commitments come and go. I am so much better with "Do you want to meet in fifteen minutes?" The word "NO!!!" does not have time to enter my thought process when I'm too busy brushing my teeth and putting on my shoes.
Why do I write this? Because last night I said, "Yes" to a dance lesson. The last time I walked through those dance studio doors was the eve of "Andre's last day" with us. We had made the decision to put our ailing, senior kitty down the following day and I honestly didn't even know if he would still be alive when I got home. My heart was breaking into a million tiny pieces and the pain came out my feet.
Every single dance step hurt me to the core of my being that night. Something on the ball of my foot was causing excruciating pain and one slow minute led into the next. Finally my dance partner said the words I wanted to hear all night. "Please feel free to leave anyt...." I don't even think he finished the sentence and I vanished.
Now I have to go back.
I think I fixed my foot (turns out it was a corn, right on the ball of my foot that was causing me such duress). Our cats are hale and hearty. I mowed the lawn last night and I worked up such a sweat that a shower was necessary. So my hair is good to go.
The only problem is that I do NOT mow the lawn, have a shower AND buy groceries all on the same evening. That is asking far too much of my tired old body.
So, you guessed it. I still have to buy groceries tonight. And then, I must unpack them and not only stay dressed, I must make the attempt to look like I actually care about my appearance and leave the house one more time, when all I really want to do is be jumping into my pajamas.
When I received this call, it was with a great apologetic tone because they did not give me adequate notice. All I could think of was NO notice what-so-ever is best for me. Instead of ruining a whole five days, it has only "ruined" an evening and a day.
Anticipation is something that is reserved for quiet evenings and cat days. Uncommitted time with limited social interaction is what I crave the most.
And to make matters worse, I must wake up and leave the house to go to work tomorrow morning. My heart sinks to the floor with this knowledge.
I must leave the house. Tonight. And tomorrow.
But on a positive note, because I must buy groceries tonight maybe, just maybe, after I get home from work tomorrow, I won't have to leave the house for the duration of the weekend.
"Yes" has become the hardest word for me to say. I am pretty certain I'm missing out on some of life's greatest moments because the only place I want to be, is home. I have friends who "need a friend" and I am not the person who I need to be, to be the friend I should be.
I'm not loving who I am at this moment in time. It will pass. It always does. If I just get enough "Cat Days" under my skin, I'll be good.
I hope your weekend is filled with moments where you feel like a cat, just sitting back and taking in the sunshine.
Our days are only going to get shorter from this point, onward. I think maybe I'll pack my bags and move to Australia until this trend ends.