Wednesday, November 4, 2015

The Need to Fill the Void

I'm in a new "head space" and I'm not quite sure what to do with all the emptiness.

This is a good thing. My challenge-of-the-year has been conquered, dispersed and dealt with. The hardest part about dealing with the change of registration on land titles was getting past the cover page. Once it was approved and passed all rules and regulations, the rest was as simple as printing off the new, revised land titles. It was actually a bit of a let down after all the struggle. But it is done. The file is out of sight. It is no longer taking up any space in my brain.

The next big thing I have accomplished is that I finished watching all eleven seasons of Grey's Anatomy on Netflix. It was a tough job but somebody had to do it. It took all summer and well into the fall. But it is done. And now that it is, I miss Meredith and her friends deeply. Once a week is not enough. Yes, I could go back to the beginning and enjoy it again but I know I need to take a step away from Grey's Anatomy and broaden my horizons. Maybe I'll start watching "House" instead...

I have learned the best way to have a good daycare day, is to sit on the floor at eye level with my little daycare family and do nothing else but watch and listen to them. This is fun and enjoyable for the first hour of the day. By the second hour, I am looking for adult oriented thoughts.

Yesterday I grabbed a notepad and pen so I could start reshuffling the contents of our house around in my mind. Maybe I'll move my bedroom downstairs so I can create a TV room upstairs to encourage less TV in our days. Maybe I could move the living room furniture downstairs and turn the upstairs into strictly a daycare zone. Maybe I'll just keep doodling until I talk myself out of such things. But the idea of packing up and camping downstairs is not a bad idea.

Fall has given us a much appreciated hiatus from yard work. I finally decided to rake up a pile of leaves which had blown up against our fence yesterday. While I was at it, I moved some of the outdoor furniture, which has seen little use the past few weeks, into the garage. I re-heard what my brother told me about how much he enjoys the fall because it provides a reprieve from lawn mowing and snow shovelling. Smart man, my brother. I think I'll sit back and savor that too. More empty space within my job requirements as an adult.

One would think all of this freedom would make me feel like I could spread my wings and fly. But for some odd reason, I find myself missing the sense of purpose and structure these daunting little tasks once provided. I know I need to fill the void with something but I haven't honed in on what will be the best fit. "Life" hasn't pre-empted any of my planning and inserted some needs-to-be-done-immediately chore to fill the void either. That usually happens the moment I have found my next goal.

I'm looking for something. I am just not quite sure what it is. I'm itching to start moving furniture around. I'm looking for something new within what I already have. Maybe I'll pack my bags and move downstairs to see how it feels.

Or maybe I'll just get dressed and ready to spend another day sitting on the floor pre-empting trouble before it happens throughout the daycare day ahead of me.

I received an email from someone who is very interested in joining our little daycare family yesterday. I'm very interested in the possibilities and intrigued to see how this plays out. It would add one more little girl to our mix, which has been shifting over to a more boy dominated world. This could be a good thing. I think.

I need something new to think about. Just when I think I'll have it all by clearing the slate and my mind, there I go trying to fill it up again. Life is a perpetual thing. If the voids weren't filled with something new, we would lose a big piece of who we are. I worry about the decades ahead of me. How will I continue to fill the void as time goes on?

I feel a little like Mr. Incredible during his interview at the beginning of the movie "The Incredibles". "No matter how many times you save the world, it always manages to get back in jeopardy again. Sometimes, I just want it to stay saved, you know..." Yet throughout the movie, he was drawn to saving the world. Over and over again. He felt lost without that sense of purpose.

I laugh every time I hear Mr. Incredible's words in my mind. I think the same thing time and time again. I just want the cupboards to stay full, the house to stay clean, the grass to stay mowed and the list goes on. Yet without these annoying little tasks which fill the cracks of my day where would I be? Maybe, just maybe ... I could be out there saving the world!

(Mr. Incredible's quote is at about 1:25 in this clip)

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