My hours, days and weeks are slipping through my fingers and I have little or nothing to show for my time. Each and every time I tend to an appointment or obligation, I erase it off my whiteboard with great flourish. DONE! Over! Good for another year (or two months or never again)! But before I have the last item erased from that board, something new and unexpected has cropped up to fill its vacancy before it was even vacated.
I had a minor to-do-list to tend with my Sunday off. I crossed one item off of it and belabored the next item for the following two days before I called in an expert and made an appointment to figure out how to best deal with this challenge. In two words? "INCOME TAX"
I find it a little ironic that people think I know something about bookkeeping, I work for an accountant and I have done my own taxes (and many others) for years, yet I feel completely inept and frightened and in need of guidance this year. Because of one thing. My youngest child will turn eighteen years old this year. Next year will be the first year since I turned eighteen years old myself, that I will become a "Single, with no dependents" tax payer. I need to ensure I am claiming every deduction available to me. All I can say is: "THANK GOODNESS I AM SELF-EMPLOYED!"
Little jobs, such as finding a picture to put inside the picture frame my oldest son gave to me have become onerous. I get sidetracked like a one-year-old who has been asked to pick up a few toys. I start playing with the toys I was supposed to put away, then find more and have triple the mess to clean up after all is said and done. "WHERE IS THE ADULT IN THIS SITUATION?"
I accomplish absolutely nothing during my daycare days. I know this is good and this is right, because that means I must be doing my job taking care of my little people. Back in my old Daycare 1.0, my kids entertained themselves. I stood quietly in the background dusting, cleaning bathrooms, scrubbing the kitchen cupboards and floor as I tended to my little people. In my dusty memories of days-gone-by, it seemed my little charges were more content. The minute these guys see me sit still, they need, want &/or demand my attention in some way. Perhaps I should start cleaning again. The key seems to be "DON'T SIT STILL!"
The saddest part of all of this is that I don't seem to be grabbing and holding onto the little moments of my day and pulling out the "good stuff". I sit still here at the computer in the morning, like I have always done and I think to myself "I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO WRITE ABOUT!"
Yes, I have been screaming at myself inside of my head. These capitalized sentences I have quoted are the censored version of my self talk of late. "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?" "WHY CAN'T YOU GET ANYTHING DONE?" "WHY AREN'T YOU EATING LESS AND MOVING MORE??!!" "WHY ARE YOU SO UNMOTIVATED?" "WHERE IS YOUR GET UP AND GO, GIRL?!!?"
I have been doing one thing right though. I have peeked out from under the covers and my life has included other people lately. Socializing is good, it is positive and it is bringing me out of my head. But it is time consuming. Why can't I have it all??
At this moment in time, I feel like two-day weekends would be the answer to all of my woes. Two days. One day to "do", the other day to "be", with long weekends having a bonus day to "fritter or invest" at my leisure.
My bookkeeping job has provided me with knowledge I didn't have before. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing. People who know me think I'm smarter than I am. I am smart enough to know I know less than I thought I did before this whole bookkeeping adventure began. My bookkeeping job has provided an income which helps subsidize the cost of living. The unfortunate truth is that next year, I should probably hand over half of that income to Revenue Canada because they will probably want it all back in taxes.
I feel like I'm working in circles. I accomplish little and I feel like I'm going no where. One step forward, three steps back. The new daycare family who was going to come here for three months changed their mind. The same day, three different people approached me about taking care of their children. One full time family gone. Two part time families will not come close to replacing the income I have already spent (yes, I have ordered new back doors).
One step forward, three steps back. I guess as long as I keep taking that step forward I shouldn't get too lost. Or will I? "Life" is starting to bog me down. I'm treading water here and keeping afloat, but I really just want to swim out of this undercurrent and be free.
I'm not sure how to do it but for now, I'll ... "JUST KEEP SWIMMING!"
I feel and look EXACTLY like "Marlin" (the orange clown fish) in this clip!!