Wednesday, April 6, 2016

Leaning Into Transition

The sun is waking up at 6:30, I spotted my first robin of the season, I heard geese flying overhead, there is a little bit of "green" showing up in the grass, the leaves on our lilac bush are starting to bud and we had one day of summer this past weekend. Then yesterday the clouds rolled in, the wind howled and it was miserable and cold and snowy.

We are somewhere in between winter and spring and it is mostly wonderful but I am just so impatient for the sun to come out and play that my mood has felt as stormy as the skies above, as we weather this transition. I feel like Mother Nature is messing with my mind.

I keep reminding myself that we had such a mild winter that I shouldn't feel so disgruntled over the fact that Spring has not quite made up its mind if it is here to stay, but I'm having a hard time convincing myself to look at the bright side. I'm ready for the sun. That is all.

I was berating myself for being so impatient with the weather. In the business of running a daycare, being able to be outside and let kids be kids for hours on end is a life saver. We survive winter. We thrive in spring, summer and fall. Our survival mode has expired. We are ready for the sun!

I started questioning why this winter in particular felt so hard. Then I realized what has tipped the balance this year. We have just endured our first winter without the TV in the living room.

In the past, when winter came upon us I would turn on the TV and it would act as a distraction when the games became too wild or behaviours I don't encourage started dominating the state of play. Distract, distract, distract. That was my sanity saver in the past. This past winter, we didn't have the same means of distraction so we would go downstairs or head outside or bring up a new box of toys to change the mood when the mood needed to be changed.

The kids are so "I've been there and done that ... ALL winter long!" that we are all at the end of our ropes. They are even acting bored when we go outside because we have been outside so much during the winter, that the outside toys have lost their lustre far before spring even showed up.

Yesterday morning, I physically felt "sick". There was not one thing wrong with me other than an extreme case of anxiety over the up and coming day, seasoned with a good dose of guilt and a dash of worry. I took my symptoms and worked through them. I made hamburger soup for lunch to ensure I fed my body and soul some good, hearty nourishment. While I tended to the soup, the kids dumped toys all over the living room (and played with the empty boxes). I just took long, deep breaths and endured a cold, snowy, windy spring day inside. Once I filled the house with the aroma of "home cooking" and let myself off the hook and declared it an "inside day", my heart lightened up and my nervous stomach relaxed.

I don't enjoy times of transition. I like to be on one side or the other. I don't like the state in between. I feel like the seasons of the year are mirroring what I am feeling inside. I think I need to look beyond the life I am living and set some new goals. In the meantime, I feel like I am stuck somewhere in between winter and spring. I know "this" is not how I want to spend the rest of my life. Can I commit to five years of "this" if Spring is waiting for me on the other side? How can I make my Winter more enjoyable if I tell myself I have five more years of "this" ahead?

I sat still and created two "Vision Boards" a while ago. I started off with my own personal "vision" but it quickly segued to a vision I wanted to create for my daycare. After I felt good about where my daycare was at, I came back to my own goals and they were easier for me to see.

I just went to my vision boards and discovered they are in perfect alignment with the goals I sat still and wrote yesterday. I was amazed when I read the quotes that I interjected into my vision. The one that grabbed my attention immediately was, "Begin Where You Are".
Yesterday I found myself stuck in the "How??" of it all. Today my answer came to me from a vision board I created a month ago. "You are the designer of your destiny You are the author. You write the story. The pen is in your hand. And the outcome is whatever you choose."

I choose to enjoy "Winter" for as long as it must last. I will utilize this time of transition and make it work for me. It will be as long or as short as it needs to be. But the reality is that transition is a necessary part of change. I can fight it or I can lean into it. I choose to lean into it and enjoy the state of being in between "there" and "where I am right now".

Right now, I may go and see if I can find a frame for my vision board and place it directly in my line of sight. I need to remind myself that I already know my own answers. The state of being in between two places is distracting me from what I know to be true for me.

What visions have you set? Are you in a state of transition? When you write down your goals can you connect the dots between your "now" and "then"? Come join me in this uncomfortable state of transition and try to take that first step in faith.

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