From the moment I opened my eyes this morning, the ability to make clear, concise and definitive decisions have eluded me.
I stopped midway through the process of making my bed because I couldn't make a decision about my most favored pillow. I stopped halfway through that job and threw in a load of laundry. I ran upstairs to retrieve something and could have gotten lost in my usual routines and forgotten about my unmade bed. But I didn't. I remembered what I was doing downstairs and eventually made my way back upstairs again.
I wanted to color my hair this morning. I made that hard decision several days ago. I made that easy on myself by bringing up the spare towels (to cover the floor and counter top) and my "hair coloring shirt" last night. All I had to do was show up.
Except I really didn't feel like doing this. I had too many out of the ordinary tasks going on already. I was feeling anxious about adding one more job into my beloved morning routine of: waking up, making my bed, making my morning smoothie and coffee, then sitting down and reading/writing my way through the morning.
I do this every morning. I love my boring little routine. It calms my soul and soothes my anxieties. I wake up early so I don't miss this time. I went to bed late last night as I tried to tend to many little household tasks so I could wake up to a tidy and organized environment. I needed a little more sleep in order to be able to function. I should have gotten up earlier.
The anxiety within me started to rise and I jokingly thought "I have Sluggish Brain Syndrome". I thought I'll google that term and write a quick little blog about it. Can you imagine my surprise when Google automatically filled in the rest of my sentence when I started to type "sluggish bra ..." and it automatically completed it for me. There is a condition just as I described.
I clicked on the Wikipedia link for "Sluggish cognitive tempo" and it was far to clinical for my inattentive brain to register. So I clicked on "Brain fog - poor memory, difficulty thinking clearly, etc" and it described me to a "T". Crap! I don't have time for this!! My exhausted little brain cannot handle this input but it explains the way I felt when I tried working outside of my home several years ago. My anxiety levels hit the roof, I couldn't think on the spot, I was unable to make snap decisions and I was reprimanded by two supervisors within a two month time span for this very "syndrome".
I don't have the time nor energy for this right now but the site on "Brain fog" has many good suggestions that I can immediately put into practise.
I had planned on being out the door by 10:00 this morning but here I sit, with a head of unrinsed hair. My hair color solution was rinsed off long ago but I've been conditioning my newly colored hair ever since. My hair will be so soft and shiny it may hurt one's eyes if the sun reflects upon it the right way.
I must finish what I started last night. I don't know if I'm relieved or terrified to finally feel like I understand why carving a different path in the morning hurts so much. I feel like my legs, arms and brain are filled with lead this morning. All the more reason to push through.
I will ponder these new thoughts and see if I can find ways to reroute my brain's circuitry. After I get ready for the day and leave the house. I will clear my way through the fog and find my way. I think I see a path ...