I still haven't caught up to where I should and need to be this week, so I'm utilizing my caffeinated brain (iced coffee with my supper keeps me alert until all hours of the night) to write a little bit since I have neglected this spot all week.
The week has felt incredibly hard. Have you ever felt like you are not where you are supposed to be, not doing what you are meant to do without the people you know are good for you? That is "me" in a nutshell.
I have sequestered myself to spend some time with myself and I think I must be sick of my own company or mad at myself or at the very least I am very disappointed in how I'm rolling with life these days.
I have most definitely not been the best I can be. My attitude sucks. I don't use that word but it is the only word I can think of to describe myself.
I have stopped trying. I wake up each morning and challenge the day to beat me. "Bring it on, world. I'm awake. I'm showing up. See what you can do to bring me down when I start the day this low." Well, when you start the day with an attitude like that, you really have no where to go but down.
I have been spiralling. I think I've hit a rock though because I'm holding steady at the moment. It could be the caffeine. It could be my brand new hair cut. It could be because I'm daring to dream a little dream at the moment. When I wake up in the morning, my reality will hit me again and I'll have to start all over again. But right now? Right this moment? I feel "okay".
I am truly ready to retire. I'm done. I don't want to play this game any more. I want to wake up to a different life than the one I'm presently leading. How can I change that? What is within my control? I am checking out my options and I have my eye on the future (and my pension fund). How in the world can I change my circumstances so I can wake up and look forward to the day ahead of me again?
I long for that "sitting in a sunbeam moment" when my truest life's desire is laid out right in front of me and all I have to do is find a way to make it happen.
I have done it before and I could do it again. I think. I simply don't have my eye on the prize right now. I have a vague idea of wanting to be somewhere other than where I currently am but that is not enough to push me out of this safe and comfortable spot, just outside of that sunbeam.
Everything in its own time and in its own way. That is the way life happens. One can push the boundaries and test some new waters but sometimes it is not an entirely bad thing to sit and check out the view just a little bit before you take a flying leap.
That's it. I'm just sitting here enjoying the view. I need to rid myself of this attitude, remove my blinders (sunglasses?) and maybe that sunbeam will come my way. The most uncomfortable times in life often lead to the most necessary change. I must believe that right now and revel in my discomfort. It will push me out and beyond of the spot I'm stuck in. I hope. But what if I'm stuck in quicksand? Most of my days, that is exactly how it feels. The more I struggle, the farther I sink.
And "this" is why I've stayed away from my blog this week. And this is a good day. Sigh ...
Tomorrow is another day. I will try, try again. Maybe the caffeine is starting to wear off. But the hair cut? I think I like it. If only my face wasn't attached to the flip side of this back view.
Oh well, a girl has to start somewhere. And if starting with the back view of my new hair do makes me happy, so be it. Now I must go sleep on my face because I don't want to mess up my new hair. G'night.
P.S. Apparently "this" is the reason I don't write at night.