Wednesday, October 5, 2016

Winter is Coming

The risk of living on the flip side of the low grade blues I have been feeling for the last long while, is the euphoric side of that very same emotion. With every new bit of hope, excitement, idea and sense of happy which I feel, I feel cautious. Don't feel too good. Keep a close eye on the manic side of a depressive state. Enjoy the moment with caution. Keep grounded.

I am sitting here, enjoying my quiet morning hours with my second cup of coffee in hand feeling the desire to simply coast for just a little while. Maybe a day. Maybe two. I'm revelling in the fact that my ambition level is growing but I long for silence, solitude and those moments when the quiet sense of "knowing" starts to enter my consciousness.

I feel more present and accounted for, in my role as "mom". I'm sitting on the sidelines, listening to my children look towards their future and set their sights on something "beyond where they are" and I am silently cheering, hoping and encouraging them onward and out of the plateau they have reached.

A plateau. That is exactly where I feel I am. It is safe here. I can sit still and enjoy the view. I'm at a point where (I hope) the hardest part of the climb is behind me. Yet I look up at some of the terrain ahead and feel pretty ill equipped to conquer the climb which is yet to come. It is best not to look that far ahead. One doesn't know what lies around the next corner. It could be a slippery slope but it could just as easily be a scenic path which still takes me where I am going.

The fear of the unknown. It is easier to take those first, hard steps if you feel you are standing on solid, familiar ground to start with. A safe place to fall. A sense of feeling grounded.

I am two days into my three month work slow down. I don't have to define my path quite yet. I will keep "feathering this nest" and work on becoming grounded. I will allow the dreams to waft in, out and through my consciousness. I will allow myself to believe in a world which is filled with possibilities. I want to become more of who I already am and grow. I need to grow.

My root system is strong. I feel like a tree which has been stripped of its leaves right now. I'm hunkering in for the winter. It snowed last night and I woke up feeling just a little like the day.

Winter is okay. Winter is only a season. New life follows winter. I'm hunkering down, battening the hatches and ready to weather the unknown terrain ahead. I just hope for enough plateaus, blue skies and clear sailing to enjoy the voyage instead of fighting the whole season in survival mode.

"Trust you are exactly where you are meant to be." These are the words that keep coming back to me when I start to waiver. These are the words that sneak into my consciousness in between the purging and releasing. These are the words that assure me when I wonder "What in the world are you going to do next?!"

I am not walking into this winter season of my life feeling complacent. I feel anything but that. There is an undercurrent of ideas, thoughts and far fetched plans pelting at me like sleet against a window. I don't want to be driven by those forces. I will wait. A soft, welcoming shower will replace the cold, harsh frozen ice I feel on my face. The rain will come. Spring always follows winter. I am exactly where I am meant to be right now.

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