Tuesday, November 1, 2016

Taming the Fear

Our house is very quiet these days. It is so quiet that I can actually hear myself think. I've discovered something. I don't really like listening to myself all day long, day after day, week after week. I am getting just a little tired of the incessant flow of words. I'm getting on my own nerves.

I'm so grateful I've been listening to Glennon Doyle Melton a lot lately. She has taught me that fear speaks in words. The deep, quiet sense of "knowing" is wordless. The deepest, most centred part of myself knows this but when life is in a state of transition I tend to panic and forget everything life has taught me.

The truest sense of knowing seems to be coming to me in my dreams lately. Again, these dreams are filled with words but when I hear them, I know what they are telling me is true.

One dream had someone critiquing my writing and pulling it all apart. "Too many words!" "You don't need this" "No one cares about that" and so on and so forth. I proudly showed them my edited version of the same piece of writing, with the excess words and paragraphs clearly marked. I knew this. I just didn't apply it. Even my dreams are telling me I am too wordy.

Another dream had me singing out loud and I sang with every ounce of who I was and what I had within me. I finished my song and the critic in this scenario was awestruck. They asked me who I was trying to emulate. My reply was "I was so nervous that I couldn't be anyone but myself. That was me." It was the right answer.

Yesterday, I awoke and remembered my nephew is living his dream out loud. On the radio. He has been an aspiring comedian most (all?) of his adult life. His aspirations started to become reality about eleven years ago and he has been working hard, following that path and has made quite a name for himself in the comedy business ever since. Yesterday he started co-hosting a morning radio show. He described it as an excellent way to hone his comedic skills. "This is only going to help my comedy out. I'll be quicker on my feet, I'll get more material,

I'm so proud of that guy. He is doing what I want to do. He is doing what I think all of us should be doing. He recognized his passion early in his life. He pursued it. He persevered. He is still living the dream. He went on to say "As I once heard, a true artist would rather let his/her family starve before doing a job that isn't there art."

The messages from the universe seem to on the same theme. There was a third dream I can't quite remember but the message I got was "Give it my all. Do what I CAN and send it out into the world."

Give it my all. I don't think this is about babysitting or bookkeeping or getting a job just to pay the bills. I am not so deluded to think writing is going to be enough to pay the bills but what I do believe is "now" is the time to put my heart and soul and everything else I have into my "art", give it to the world and be content in knowing I did everything I could. And keep on writing regardless of the outcome. Because that is what I do.

I am feeling pulled in other directions when I simply follow where my heart leads. I started reading a book by Susan Jeffers and was curious about her previous books. My search led me to a "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway" (based on her book of the same name) workshop which was being held in Abbotsford, B.C. in three weeks. I checked out flights, hotel and the cost of the workshop and it could easily eat up $1,000.00 in two short days. 

The old me would have thought that was a bargain. The fact this could easily be funded by my recent sales of excess daycare goods was a sign that I was destined to go. The new me, chimed in and told myself "That is a lot of money for something that only lasts a day. You could round up a group of friends who may want to join in on the journey of feeling the fear and doing it anyway" and we could meet at my place to form our own group of cheerleaders, supporters and encouragers.

I feel the role of encourager within me. These roles I'm feeling drawn to aren't necessarily money makers. They are life enhancing. 

Glennon Doyle Melton is someone I look to as an inspiration. She started her blog at a time when she needed to write honestly almost as much as she needed to breath. Her honesty built a community. This community has come together and spread love, encouragement and support (emotional as well as financial) as they unite and do the next right things. Consistently.

Glennon was just on the cusp of releasing her first book when I found her. I thought she was just a small time blog writer who turned her passion into greatness. I felt like she was "just like me" because I related to so much of what she wrote. Apparently hundreds of thousands (maybe a million or so) of others feel the same way. 

I feel my "inner Glennon" starting to find her way out of the words within my head. If she can turn her passion into a lifestyle, why can't I? It may not pay the bills but it will set me down a path where I am in a place to find my way and make decisions from a place of security and hope rather than desperation and fear. 

My time of great quiet has not officially started. It was set to begin with my Christmas holidays. I must not rake myself over the coals and feel desperate. My heart was aching for a year's leave of absence a few short months ago. I found a way to make six months a possibility. This time before Christmas was to be time spent "clearing the clutter" from our house and my mind to make the way for a place where I could be still and follow my passion, give it my all and send it out into the world when I was ready to let go.

I need to tame the fear, quiet the voices and feel the security of knowing "it will all work out in the end". 

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