In my case, I had to abandon my little "home" here. Writing about what I was living, as I was living it would have been messy, disorganized and time consuming. It would have been mentally exhausting, not to mention tedious, to read about my deconstruction, the planning and unplanning stages and eventual revelation to simply follow the blueprint of "life as I was living it".
I'm sitting on a pleasant little plateau at the moment and appreciating the view. I've reached a point where the lessons are starting to separate themselves from the stories. So many of these stories are not my stories to tell. I have been intermingling my world with others and it is a tricky place for someone like me.
I have grown accustomed to living out loud, writing what I'm thinking about and often finding my own answers as my fingers translate the words from my brain. It's been a struggle to work without that brain to fingertip connection. I don't hear the "ping" of a revelation when the same words keep cycling around in my head.
Instead, I have been taking life one step at a time and making choices and adjustments as needed. The adage from part of a prayer from Mother Teresa "trust that you are exactly where you need to be" has been my guiding light. Trusting in the moment. Having faith it will all work out exactly how it is meant to be. Letting go of control and the need to know.
I've been feeling my way through this time like I've been walking in the dark. The territory is familiar but without a light to guide me, I've been hanging onto the walls for security. I've started letting go. I'm finding my way again.
Do you know the feeling when you have found your way after feeling lost? The path is new yet it is familiar and comforting and you just know in your heart it is "right". The resistance is gone. Each curve in the road comes a little easier.
I'm not saying I have all the answers. I am saying I know the questions I have been struggling with have been quietened. I'm figuring it out as I go along. I don't know what is at the end of this road. I simply trust it is the road I was meant to travel.
I woke up with a heavy heart one morning and this is the email that greeted me that morning:
I sent off an early morning email letting my worries out of my head and into the world. And life felt good again.
I need to let my truth exist somewhere other than inside my body. I'm back. I hope I'm here to stay.