Tuesday, June 6, 2017

Trust Issues

I bought a new-to-me car a few days before Christmas last year. I was basically unemployed at the time. So was my son. It was a decision made out of necessity (or so I thought). I bit the bullet and bought a car I felt I didn't need in the hope that having two cars would buy us the freedom required for us to spread our wings and grow.

Within two weeks, my new car and I would take our first highway trek together. I was still filled with anxiety over the money I had spent, driving a car I did not know well. My car and I didn't have a history together. It was a brand new relationship between me and my car. It was tough going.

My previous car had abandoned me on the side of a busy road only a few weeks prior to this purchase and suddenly I didn't trust anything with four wheels. If my trusty steed had let me down, how could I begin to trust a vehicle I didn't even know?

We have had some rocky roads - me and my new car. My mechanic and I became well reacquainted as I had him investigate every little concern I had. I was just beginning to think I could trust this new set of wheels when I discovered I needed "a new set of wheels". Four summer tires to be exact. 

This purchase sent me down yet another road of discovery which was a road I did not want to travel. But travel it, we did. And by the time we reached our final destination, I was beginning to feel like I was starting to know this new car of mine. The more I invested in this relationship, the more I began to trust it.

There is something very comforting about four brand new tires. I've never appreciated new tires before. Possibly because I only replaced them on an as-needed basis. I bought my tires two at a time and rotated the tires to ensure the new tires were where they needed to be. But four brand new tires all at once? I admired them. I enjoyed the feeling of those tires between me and the pavement. I appreciated the new tread and I started to feel safe within this relationship I was building with my car.

As a "gift", my car received a thorough cleansing of the lubricating kinds. The transmission, radiator and oil were all flushed, new fluids coursed through the "heart" of my car and we were set to travel many more miles together.

I sat in my new-to-me car last night as it received the third oil change since our relationship began. Yes, logged a lot of miles - 13,451 km's to be exact. When my oil changer showed me the cabin air filter he changed, my heart sank. I honestly thought every conceivable nook and cranny had been checked, changed, cleaned &/or replaced. The condition of this filter was atrocious. It appeared to have filtered everything but a dead mouse.

I hope my car appreciates all I have done for it and rewards me with approximately 13,451 km's of worry-free miles now.

We have spent a lot of time together and I am really starting to bond with this hunk of metal. I am comfortable behind the wheel. I appreciate every mile we travel together. Each and every time we make it safely to our destination and back home again, I feel my car trust issues starting to fade. 

The freedom this new car has brought into our lives has been immeasurable. My son inherited my old car and that car has given him what he has needed to get him to school and back, then to work and back. It has given him what he needs to be independent, while me and my new car have been bonding over the many highway miles we have travelled together. 

I despise this dependency I have with my car. I miss my old world where my work came to me and all I needed my car for was to run errands and make the occasional trip. 

My new world consists of a life where I must leave the house and drive off to earn a living. I miss being home. Each and every time the lawn is mowed, all I can think of is the waste. We have a house and yard that are not being utilized. But they still need to be maintained. 

I was chatting with my son yesterday and heard myself say that all I want is a life where I am not concerned about money. I just want to have what I need and not have to worry. 

Then I stopped and reminded myself that "that" is exactly what I have right now.

I spend money that needs to be spent. There is not one job I have that I would give up if money was no object. I go out to see Mom whenever I feel the urge to go. I have a pick up and go life, where my priorities are straight and I'm living a life without regrets. 

Having all the money in the world would not change a thing. In fact, the one and only thing it may affect would be my ability to go out and buy a brand new car. But do you know where that would get me? Exactly where I was at the beginning of this post. I would have to learn to trust another vehicle once again. Brand new or used - my trust issues with anything that is new to me is a growing curve. I don't like change. I have the ability to adapt but it is uncomfortable, scary and costly.

Do you hear me, "Life"? I like things as they are. I appreciate all I have and all the relationships I have built within this little world of mine. It is a good little life. Thank you.

I just reread this post and the sentence that truly says it all is this:

"The more I invested in this relationship, the more I began to trust it."

Isn't that the truth of any relationship? I believe that is a whole new post on its own one day. I hope I continue to rekindle this relationship with my writing and come back to that one day very soon...

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