I'm not doing this "work" thing well. I am working at the same jobs I have worked at for the past year. I am not doing anything new. I am not working for different people. My role is essentially the same as it has been for the previous fourteen months.
But it feels harder. Oh, so much harder.
A year ago, I was running out to Mom's on as "as needed" or "as I wanted" basis. The drive out to Mom's forced me to be awake, still with myself and think my own thoughts for five consecutive hours one way. Then five more hours coming home.
As a self declared introverted kind of person who gains their energy by being alone, I truly believe the combination of breaking up my work load with visits to see Mom, with the added bonus of ten hours of quiet meditation made all things possible.
I was no super hero last year. I just did the "next right thing". I showed up. I did what I had to do, when I needed to do it. And I just kept going back out to Mom's. Those trips saved me.
I knew my role. I was "daughter" (hear me roar?).
This year? I don't know anything.
I am working at the same jobs, for the same people without breaks to run out and see Mom, nor my ten hours of quiet meditation on a regular basis.
My weeks are "the same old, same old". The only grasp I've had on holding onto my sanity throughout this long, cold winter was the knowledge that I got most Fridays off and rarely (if ever) had to work more than four days per week at my "day job". Knowing I had one or two weekdays off was the best part of my week. I lived for that bonus day.
Last Friday? I was asked to work. After working the Monday through Thursday which preceded it. Followed by working the following Monday. And (the implication was) another full five day week this week. Which was followed by a comment that there is so much to be done over the course of the next three months, I could pretty much work as much as I want ...
Did she SEE my expression when she told me this? Was this before or after I had a melt down of a minor kind over not knowing how to word and set up the invoices I had been toiling over for two days?
Do I KNOW how fortunate I am to have a full time job, a regular income, a very good employer and such an opportunity? Yes, I do. I really, really do.
But it is killing me softly, to work outside of my home ten hours per day, for five days of the week. I'm not made of that kind of stuff.
I want to go back to running my daycare. I want to go for nice, long walks, I want to watch for the first robin of the season. I want to count ladybugs, chase butterflies, pack picnic lunches and create little adventures outside. I miss working from my home where I was my own boss and I could create the kind of days I needed. Most of all? I miss quiet time!
My ten hour work days are ten hours of "being on". Being accountable. Talking. Being sociable. No breaks. I barely stop to go to the bathroom ...
It can be done. I just don't want to do it. I just need that ONE weekday off to make it possible to do the rest of the things.
This morning, I decided to wash my sheets. By the time the weekend finally arrives, I never want to spend that time on the weekend because I have ZERO energy to expend. I would do it today!
I washed my sheets. Then I realized the mattress cover was due for a wash. The mattress was covered with big "lint balls" from the backing of the mattress cover. These balls didn't come off easily. I had to pick them off one at a time. I eventually just decided to shave it.
It was such a novel concept. Time AND ambition ... wait! I didn't have time. I was supposed to leave for work soon.
My little melt down yesterday stemmed from reaching the end of my knowledge base. I have worked on my own for almost four months and I have worked to the best of my capability without the guidance of my boss. I knew I had many shortcomings. But I kept trying. Yesterday, it became painfully obvious that I don't know enough to do it "all". I have soooo much to learn. But she is slowly recovering from a broken hip and she has only pockets of time and energy to ensure all is being done correctly.
Today, I knew she had appointments most of the day. She wouldn't be around for me to ask questions. I was feeling quite "broken" from the combination of working on my "day off" (last Friday) and my realization that I have so very much yet to learn. So I called and asked for today off.
What could she say? She said "yes". As I called, she was heading out the door to work. She wouldn't have been there when I arrived. She had appointments.
I feel inadequate, exhausted and tired of being "on" (even my weekends have been more committed to being social than I feel capable of). I have reached the end of my abilities. At least as of yesterday. I needed today (is it a "want" or a "need"? Honestly, it feels like a need) ...
I have been grasping at straws, trying to gain a foothold on this life of mine. I have been losing things. Waiting for other things. I'm running behind on most things.
This morning, I found the second "lost-to-me" item I have been looking for, for a while. This afternoon, I finally received a pension statement I had requested last December. Another letter finally made its way into my hands in a long and round-about kind of way.
And now? Thanks to taking today off? I get to sleep in clean, fresh sheets tonight.
A day off AND clean sheets (not to mention getting my hands on a few things I thought were lost to me forever) and I feel like I can live to work another day.
There is nothing quite like a day off when you least expect it (and nothing quite like working a day you expected to have off either). It will all balance out in the end. It always does.
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