Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Living in a Vacuum

You get back what you give to the world.

Lately, I have been very selfish. I have held myself in and away from the world, from life, from risks and daring to dream.

In doing so, I have created a vacuum within my heart, my soul, my home and my life.

As I walked through my quiet little world, I enjoyed it at first. No emails to return, the phone was quiet and it felt like a little bit of an oasis in the desert.

Then it became just a little too desert like. I think I became dehydrated.

A little voice in me started to tell me "Don't start keeping score now! You know better." This was not a time to think the world had forgotten me and just went on spinning. I was the one who retreated.

I could stay quiet and withdrawn and the world would definitely go on without me. There is something comforting about this, yet at the same time it makes my heart hurt a little.

If I want to feel alive and lively, I must participate in this thing called "life". I must give more of myself to feel what I need to feel to wake up in anticipation of the day before me.

Interactions with people I know at arm's length have changed. What (or who) has changed? Is it just me? When I go about my days, wishing I didn't have to get out of bed in the morning how does that affect the people I meet?

I don't think my eyes twinkle and shine. They feel hollow and withdrawn.

I don't think my spirit invites involvement and interaction. I don't want to partake in the give and take required in a conversation because I feel too needy.

I am not feeding my soul with what it needs the most. Good food, exercise, fresh air and sunshine are what I need. What I want is closed curtains, the television, a pillow and a blanket.

I know I need to push myself out and over and through this.

I know it, because I looked into the lifeless and depleted eyes of my Youngest Son last night, I saw a reflection of myself in them.

What I have is contagious.

I must grab that oxygen mask and save myself so I can breathe life back into my son. If I want to let myself down and not live my life to its potential, that is my business. But I'm not bringing anyone down with me. I am not!

"Life is an echo. 
What you send out, comes back. 
What you sow, you reap. 
What you give, you get. 
What you see in others, exists in you. 
Remember, life is an echo. 
It always gets back to you. 
So give goodness."

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