It's Never Too Late

I may have found a mantra to guide my journey to unknown places:

This may be the "map" I was looking for. 

When you know the starting point but the end goal is vague, how do you make your way? 

Perhaps Julia Cameron will offer some insight as to not just getting from "here" to "there", 

but helping me define exactly where "there" is...

Where Do We Go From Here?

I found this on my morning walk through Facebook and it spoke to me:

https://www.facebook.com/pg/YourCBDforLife/posts/

We made it through another 365 days and get to hang up a new calendar year tomorrow morning. I wonder what will this new page bring?

I don't want to talk about goals, resolutions, fresh new starts. I simply want to start from where I am today and set my sights on defining myself.

I was recently asked to define what I did, what I wrote about and basically "who" I was. I came up empty.

I work, I eat, I sleep.  I socialize when I must. I enjoy my family. I adore our cats. My favorite way to pass the time is to watch for rabbits.

I strive to become more than I am at this very moment in time. One day at a time.

No Place Like Home

It feels harder and harder to look forward to "getting away from it all". Why in the world would I choose to get away from a place that fills me up and brings me joy? Holidays have become equivalent to the gift of simply being able to stay home. Is it any wonder I don't want to uproot myself and go anywhere?

I had hoped this holiday would be that of a "play it by ear" variety. No plans. Simply pick up and go, if and when the spirit moved me and the opportunity arose.

Then I accepted an invitation. No regrets. As always, I know I will be glad I have followed the path of least resistance. Even though saying "yes" was met with the pulling of some home-bound-heart-strings, I knew "yes" was the right answer.

By the time I post this, I will be home again. I can predict the future. I will be glad I went. I will be feeling the afterglow of some perfectly imperfect memories. At the moment, there is a little bit of angst in the unknown factor of our visit. By the time we return home, all anxieties will be put to rest.

I feel anxious as the entirety of my little family who is home, will be in a car headed in a westward direction to visit family.

As always, I wonder what if we don't make it back home again? Who will take care of our cats? What if the house alarm goes off? What if ... what if ... what if ...

Here I sit, in the moments before we leave home looking forward to the moment when we drive up our street upon our return home. Safe and sound, the house still standing and anxiously awaiting the moment when we see what our cats have been up to in our absence.

Be it ever so humble ... there is no place like home.

Platitudes

Is it too soon to say this out loud? I am tired of the "Merry Christmases" and "Happy New Years" and all the other platitudes of the season. They have been used, over-used, recycled, refreshed and said so many times that I hear static in my ears when I hear or read the words. The words have lost their meaning.

I wrote this and went on to rant some more. When I started to run out of the meaningless things people say automatically, I searched the Internet for more. It seems one can always find someone who agrees with you when you search the masses. And I did.

I reread my rant (which I have now deleted), after reading someone who had more to offer on the subject. Then I started reading the comments. I am one of the worst offenders of spouting off some of the most annoying platitudes on the list. There are times when these used and overused phrases come from a place of wanting to say something, to fill the silence and try to fill the void with words.

My opinion is merely that. It is my opinion alone. The high and mightiness of my initial thoughts came from a place where I spent far too much time scrolling through Facebook over the holiday season.

I saw photos after photos of family and friend gatherings where food, gifts, Christmas trees and cheer galore were plentiful. I looked at the photos and saw "Christmases Past". The reminder was both heart warming and bittersweet at the same time. It was like looking into a mirror that was reflecting my thoughts of the moment.

There were "Merry Christmas" messages to all strewn throughout the page. So many. I thought of the times when I have posted something on Facebook and the validation I felt as the "Likes", comments and shares rolled in. I start to feel like less than myself when the "Liking" subsides. I felt empty when I looked at these Christmas wishes to all reverberating around the world of Facebook.

There is truly nothing wrong with it for those who are sending their wishes out into the world. It saddens me that these "group messages" have taken the place of sending Christmas cards and/or letters. What saddens me more, is that I have become one who didn't send out cards this year.

Our little family doesn't "do" Christmas in a traditional sense. My son said it best when he said, "For us, I believe, the lack of attention to standard ‘dates’ has made the everyday/any day much more memorable." I read his words and my thoughts immediately went to the everyday moments that accidentally became special. There was no agenda, no expectation or excuse. Little moments became bigger than we could have ever hoped for. Simply because we were there, together and open to whatever happened to unfold.

Whatever kind of day you may or may not be having, I do hope it is the kind of day you need. You don't have to be Happy or Merry or anything at all. I do wish you peace in your heart though. That is not a platitude. I mean this with all my heart.

Morning Pages Review

I have been diligently writing three, 8-1/2" X 11" pages, in long hand writing since August 26th. Four months. On my four month anniversary, I shredded every page.

No remorse, nor any wish to re-read a single sentence I had written. I shredded the pages as easily as I throw out the trash. There was no epiphany. No nugget of wisdom. Four months of whining, negativity, list making, dollar accounting, budgeting, lists of shoulda, coulda, woulda's. Gone.

It actually feels good to shred every word and toss it into the garbage. That is what it was to me. Exorcising my morning demons with no desire to revisit them.

I stopped writing three mornings ago. I cannot say if I feel better or worse for the lack of purging. Perhaps a little worse. I find myself drawn into the depths of my thoughts instead of the purge and release factor while writing my morning pages.

Will I start writing again? I think so. 

As much as I felt like those pages drained me of all the words I woke up with and left me wordless when it came to write anything here in my blog, I do feel that allowing myself the freedom to write anything and everything that came to mind was therapeutic. 

The magic of putting pen to page rather than typing? Surprisingly amazing. The times I have sat down at the computer to respond to an email or type out a text have felt excruciating. Picking the right word out of the air feels daunting. The shortest of replies take an extraordinary amount of time to type. 

There is something to these pages. Shredding them felt as cathartic as burning them. There were no deep dark secrets. The pages consisted of a side of myself I do not care to nurture.

Miss Negative Nellie is alive and well but I have destroyed the evidence of her existence. My fear is, if I don't purge these words in the morning, they may sneak out during the course of living my day. 

To err is human, they say. I'd rather err grandly in the privacy of my morning pages and do my best with the knowledge I usually find at the end of my third page. 

Morning pages? I'll be back ...

Fresh Snow = Fresh Rabbit Tracks

 I have had precious few rabbit sightings this past little while so I have been eagerly watching for new rabbit tracks in the snow.

The fresh fallen snow from a few days ago has taken a little while to gain rabbit track momentum but they were busy here last night.

Oh, how I wish I had seen the activity that produced this particular set of tracks:

The rabbits are still circling the stake where our Christmas light display was prior to its theft. I think they miss the lights too ...

Christmas Snow

May your day be exactly what you need it to be.

It doesn't have to be a Hallmark Christmas kind of day to be a good day. 

We woke up to a fresh new fallen snow.

It is ever so much easier to track our neighorhood rabbits presence with fresh snow.

Best Christmas morning gift I could have hoped for!

Wishing you the gift of waking up to whatever your day may have in store.

Santa's Helpers

A quick peek out the window watching over the Christmas Eve happenings in our neighborhood ...

... and I spotted two of my most favorite little "elves". 

Happy Christmas Eve to all!! 

May you feel the presence of your own Christmas angels.

Thank You, Winston

I had to stock up on cat food before Christmas holidays rendered that particular chore impossible.

Our Senior Cat can only tolerate a special gastrointestinal cat food. The only place I have been able to purchase this specialized brand is from our veterinarian. It is expensive but the alternative isn't an option. I don't know if you've ever lived with a cat with diarrhea but ... need I say more?

I added this task to my errand list today and when I could only find one bag on the shelf, I asked the employee who was filling the shelves if there was a second bag in stock. "Yes and no ..." she replied.

Our vet has adopted an in-house cat who lives and/or works full-time at the veterinary clinic. His name is Winston.

The employee continued, "... well you see, Winston got into some of the bags of cat food and chewed holes in the bags. We are selling them for 10% off."

Ten percent off the regular price of this expensive brand of cat food I affectionately refer to as "Gold Nugget Cat Food" was the best news I heard all day. "Sold!"

I just laughed when I spotted the reduced pricing on the cat food. "Winston's Pick"

Thank you, Winston! You just saved us $26.33 today. I am grateful.

Breakfast

'Tis the season and all that jazz ...

... shortbread cookies and coffee for breakfast anyone?

Holidays

Today is not just any ordinary Saturday, it is the first day of my holidays. It feels just a little bit wonderful.

I wrote this sentence and then the day took on a life of its own. A lunch invitation. One cup of coffee with my son and a second cup of coffee with a friend I hadn't seen in ages.

It was a day that couldn't have been choreographed any better. It just happened. All I had to do was wake up, get dressed and prepare myself to walk out the door. It was just that easy.

Here's hoping tomorrow works out just as well. Except I wouldn't mind staying home for the next week or so. I am on holidays, you know!

I wish you the ease of an unplanned day.

It's Not the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

I don't buy into the commercialism, high expectation and high stress levels of the Christmas season. I am not minimizing the sacredness many find at this time of year. I am frustrated over the anxiety it causes to those who strive to attain the "perfect" Christmas.

It seems to me that most things are magnified at this time of year. The good feels better, the bad feels worse, losses feel greater, loneliness is amplified, family harmony is tested, finances are stretched thin and whatever it is you feel deeply about, simply seems bigger than other times of the year.

I used to find my Christmas spirit in writing letters, creating a gift from the heart that was less about dollars spent and more about creating memories. I have succumbed less and less to the demands of the season and find myself calmer and calmer. The less I stress myself out, the more I notice those who are bending to the traditions of their past.

I'm not walking in the shoes of others so I cannot judge. I simply wonder.

I wonder if someone could find joy in finding some way to let go of past expectations and disappointments. Honor the past, focus on the lightness you feel in the memory, waft in it for a while and let it go...

I wonder if they could find comfort in enveloping the moment they are in, no matter who they are or are not spending their time with at Christmas...

I wonder if looking outside and finding wonder in the glistening snow, a blue sky or any one of nature's creatures that may come into view may lightness of heart...

I wish for simple things. White lights. The whisper of laughter within. Acceptance and grace of the moment one is in.

My wish is a hefty one. I know. If there was a Santa Claus, this would be my wish. Peace in your heart, comfort in your memories and hope for whatever tomorrow may bring.

A Beautiful Message

For anyone planning to see "A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood", I highly recommend reading the Esquire article "Can You Say...Hero?" first.

I saw the movie with a friend last night. While I usually like to go into a movie knowing little of its plot line, this time was an exception. I went in expecting a light and easy story line with childhood lessons taught by Mister Rogers (aka: Tom Hanks). Though that is an integral part of the message, there is more to this movie.

What I woke up with, was a glimmer of hope for those who spread kindness in our world. In Mister Rogers' case, he spoke directly to children. He talked to them about hard things. He was kind. He cared. He wanted to know people. He didn't judge. He listened in every sense of the word. He realized the power of television and utilized it to perpetuate kindness, acceptance and speak directly to our children.

I thought of those who are spreading kindness, compassion, promoting acceptance and showing the world how small things, multiplied by many become big things.

There are several public figures who come to mind. The list continues to grow as I contemplate that thought. One doesn't need to be famous to make a difference.

My favorite author Glennon Doyle jumps to the front of the line in my mind. Simply because I have followed her blog since before she became who she is still becoming. She has found a way to utilize the Internet as a tool to unite like-minded people to become a force to be reckoned with. Glennon, her Together Rising warriors and those she has teamed up with are making a difference in this world of ours.

Small acts of kindness impact the world. Children are our world's future. Our future begins with those young, impressionable minds. Mister Rogers has created a legacy of caring, listening, hearing and empowering those young minds.

Who is "Mister Rogers" within your world? I have an uncle who tops the list in my mind. I aspire to become more of who I have always known him to be. In a word? Kind. One word doesn't begin to encompass the essence of this most incredible human being who has spread caring and compassion in every memory I hold.

Morning Pages and Me

Three pages of writing long hand each and every morning (almost) since August 26th has consumed one journal, three scribblers, nineteen pages of loose leaf paper and over six pens.

As I utilize my mornings writing three pages of the clutter that is in my mind upon waking, I realize I could have written 30, three page letters to send out over the Christmas season instead.

All the paper, all the ink, all the time invested ... and what do I have to show for it? One journal, three scribblers and nineteen pages of writing that will be shredded just as soon as I make the decision to do so.

There is nothing I've written on those pages I care to reread. My morning thoughts are negative, whiny, repetitive and annoying.

Perhaps it is not a bad thing I didn't write 30 Christmas letters in 30 days after all ...

P.S. I am wondering if Julia Cameron is in cahoots with the pen and paper industry???

Just kidding. Sort of. There has been some therapeutic value to this writing. No creativity has been ignited but I tend to be a little more positive about things after I've purged my negativity onto my pages.

The Grinch Stole Our Christmas

I peeked out the living room window to do a quick rabbit check after I got all settled in for the night. This is what I saw:

Something was different. Not only no rabbits. No Christmas light either.

We got to enjoy our Christmas light display for twenty days before someone walked off with it. I shall name this person "Grinch".

The Grinch stole our Christmas light display. Bah! Humbug!!

Someone's Watching Over Me

I found this when I searched the words "someone's watching over you" as I wrote my previous post:



As I navigate my days, I am quietly comforted by the feeling of an unseen presence which surrounds me, akin to the rabbit tracks in our front yard. Just because you don't see something doesn't mean it's there.

I feel Mom's presence in, around and through me most poignantly.

I am almost always driving when I feel Dad by my side.

When we gather as a family, I find myself hoping Mom & Dad could be watching over the occasion.

I remember the palpable feeling of a presence all around me when I gathered together Dad's family's memories and locked myself in a room with them.

I felt a warm presence when we gathered the family together in the aftermath of the completion of the aforementioned book.

When I think of those who have passed through my life and beyond their physical presence here on earth I wistfully wonder if their presence remains close and touches the lives they were a part of.

When I feel this way, think these thoughts and wonder about all I can't see, I get the distinct feeling I am not alone. Someone's watching over me ...

Someone's Watching Over You

I find myself standing in front of the living room window simply gazing into the street. I have a feeling my neighbors who remember the TV show "Bewitched" may be starting to call me Gladys Kravitz (see below):



First thing in the morning, I write my morning pages, sip my coffee at the small table I've moved in front of the window for the sole purpose of rabbit-watching.

On days I'm home, I open the blinds fully and find myself gravitating towards the window. I often just stand there and scan the street, hoping to spot a rabbit. Other times, I perch myself upon the love seat which offers the best sitting view and simply hope to spot the movement of a rabbit.

After dark, the blinds are closed so I will peek out between the slats of the blinds hoping to catch a rabbit nibbling on the food I've left out. If I wake up in the middle of the night, I will do a quick rabbit-check.

I wonder if the neighbors have noticed and feel like I'm spying on them ...

I would like to broadcast to those who feel their privacy is being violated: "I'm not snooping. I'm just watching for rabbits!"

Despite my vigilance scanning our street, the number of times I actually spot a rabbit in our yard is rare. Yet there is plenty of evidence of their presence. Their food dish needs to be refilled regularly and the rabbit tracks in and out of our yard are plentiful. Perhaps, just perhaps ... they are watching over me too.

Priority Lists

I seem to have a mental block against the idea of to-do-lists these days. The very wording "to do" feels demanding, unrelenting and bossy. I have decided to call my list a "priority list".

I did not write such a list this weekend. But I did what was important, spur of the moment and time sensitive.

I had priorities. I simply didn't write them down, thus I could not cross them off a list.

I had telephone conversations that mattered with people I care about and that time was wisely invested. Check!

I hosted some choose-your-own gift shopping experiences and turned one of my most detested jobs (shopping) into an outing and a gift. There was a meal tossed into each gift experience. This has been my best gift-giving idea and I received a gift in return. All I had to do was issue the invitation and I received the gift of giving, conversing and a shared meal to boot. Check! Check! Check!!

I got together with a friend who is a spur-of-the-moment, if-it-works-for-you-and-it-works-for-me at the same kind of friend. After a few thwarted attempts, yesterday happened to work out for both of us. This was truly a gift to myself. Check!

I watched The Sound of Music in the middle of the day, so I could stay awake and savor the experience. That is all I did for three solid hours. I love the way that movie makes me feel and the memories it brings back. Watching a movie in the middle of the day is pure indulgence. It was wonderful. Another gift to myself.

Yes, I have a mental list of all the things I could have and should have done. I feel badly that I didn't cook, clean or tackle any of the many tasks I could have tended around here. I could have done any number of those tasks during the time it took to watch The Sound of Music. But I didn't. I could spend my energy shaming myself for another weekend of wasting my time. But I won't.

Instead, I shall make a priority list. I will do what is important first. Then I shall carry on with what is either next in line of importance or be willing to put it aside for that which time will not wait for.

Those conversations, experiences, visits and time to simply catch my breath are CPR for my soul. Chores can wait. Life can't.

Enjoying the View

No words ... just sitting here enjoying the view 

No rabbits in sight. Lots of evidence they have been around though. That is enough...

A Beautiful Day

I love waking up to a Saturday. A day of no plans, no expectations and the ability to simply go with the flow.

The sense of exhaustion I woke up with was soon replaced with pure, unadulterated relief that I had no where to go and nothing that absolutely needed to be done. I could have spent the day snuggled up on the couch with a good book, a cozy blanket, intermittent TV and it would have been enough.

Instead, I received the perfect gift. A coffee date on the phone. No need to dress, no need to warm up the car or leave the house. Perfection.

Eventually I did voluntarily leave our home when I went on a choose-your-own-Christmas-gift adventure. The outing was a success in every sense of the word.

I could have and should have done so much more. But I didn't. I forgive myself. Today was a gift I gave myself. Tomorrow is another day.

This tends to be the season of high expectations and stress levels. Give yourself the gift of forgiveness. Do your best, allow yourself an opportunity to call what you do "enough" and let yourself off the hook.

Let the joy come from within and it will be enough. I hope you had a most excellent day too.

Life Lines

Sometimes the solution to that which plagues us is to state what we need.

How many times do we carry around our worries, think our quiet little thoughts, feel the weight of our world resting on our shoulders and simply carry the burden?

Sometimes we wish others intuitively knew what we needed so help would be offered before we asked. Don't you just love when that happens? I do.

But sometimes? We need to tell others what we need. We don't have to ask, beg or demand. Just state a fact. "This" is how I'm feeling ... leave it open ended. Just say the words. Leave them hanging.

My daycare days taught me a valuable lesson. When I said nothing, it was translated into permission for things to continue the way they had been. I could not expect others to read my mind so I began putting a voice to that which was weighing me down.

For every challenging time in my life, I have garnered my strength to find my way through by finding my "tribe" ... those who simply walk beside me when the going gets tough. They don't have to carry me. I can carry my own weight. But there are times when I simply need to know I can lean in a little.

I have created a vacuum within my life. I often say I garner my energy by having enough solitude to hear myself think. I don't believe I ever say I'm busy but I DO say I have a committed life. I have erected some walls around me which are hard to penetrate.

While inner strength can be found in the solitude, the ability to carry on often comes by knowing you are not in this alone.

The lifelines from the television show "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?" come to mind.

50:50 - take away two wrong answers, leaving you with a 50/50 chance of choosing the right one
Audience poll - survey the masses to get the popular opinion
Phone-a-friend - possibly my first choice but when the going gets tough, it gets tougher to make that call

Ask for what you need ... you may not get what you ask for but you may feel empowered by knowing you said the words aloud.

Taking my own advise - starting simple and hoping for the best!

P.S. Even our friendly neighborhood rabbits know how to "ask" for what they want. This morning the rabbit food dish I have placed under the fir tree in our front yard was flipped upside down. I do believe that is rabbit speak for "More please?"

So Few Thoughts

My morning writing has become three pages of writing about nothing. 

I could write my grocery list this morning but that is about it, so I will post this picture instead.

The life of a cat ...

... doesn't it make you wish you could sit and watch for rabbits all day?

I'm Sorry

I apologize for writing of the inane, inconsequential, trivial and little things that fill my mind. Life is hard. When life feels hard, I look inward and try to focus on that which I can control.

I look around me and I see so many lives consumed with loss. Loss of health, loss of life, loss of stability, loss of independence, loss of memory, loss of income, loss of peace of mind, loss of a future life one was anticipating, loss of youth, loss of a parent/child/sibling/partner ... and the list goes on and on.

When the world feels dark and out of control, I hunker down, look inward and do what I can to regain the feeling of "I'm doing the best I can". I look outside for signs of life. Signs of presence of that which I have not seen with my own eyes.

Yes, this comes out in the trivial matters of my posts of late. When life feels like a sad and scary place, it feels good to regain my footing by doing what I can to make sense of the little things gone awry.

The courage to change what I can ...

This may come in the form of learning how to make my bed properly or lodging a complaint over dysfunctional pens. But it also comes in the form of doing my best, doing what is within my control and trying to be who I need to be, to the people who pass through my days.

When the going gets tough, it's hard. I know. But those rabbit tracks I see in the snow in our front yard has proven there is a presence all around me, even when I'm not looking.

Look for your "rabbit tracks". Just do what you can do. It is enough. Just keep swimming ...

Life is Too Short to Write With Crappy Pens!

Ranting about "things that really don't matter" seems to be at the tip of my fingertips these days. Please forgive me while I carry on one (hopefully) last time.

Please note: Complaining for the sole purpose of complaining, without looking for solutions is NOT my goal. Any griping on my part must be counteracted with action. 

Spoiler alert: Today's rant comes with a potentially happy ending.

On with the show ...

Tell me, am I the only one on earth who is bothered by pens that don't write? Brand new pens, even with their "tip seals" (a small ball of wax on the tip of the pen) to ensure the pen's freshness, that stop writing intermittently, unexpectedly and frequently.

As I have committed to writing three pages by longhand each and every morning, finding a pen that will stand by this commitment is pivotal to this ongoing habit's success. I purchased a tried and true brand that had never let me down before to ensure my journalling success. The first pen worked so well, I gifted the remaining two pens in the package to my fellow journallers. An offer akin to swapping blood to become blood brothers, I offered pens to instil an ink-sister kinship.

Giving away that which brings me joy is one of my favorite things to do. I love to spread my joy. Whether it is my most favorite tea towels, socks, a miracle pillow or simply my favorite hassle free pen. If I love it and think you would love it, nothing makes me happier than sharing some of my tried and true favorite things (I feel like Oprah and Ellen, who have turned their "favorite things" into an audience favorite). 

Anyway ... short story, long ...

I went to replace my most favorite pens and the next package didn't write reliably. I was writing on the same kind of notepaper. Nothing had changed. Just a new package of pens. I was soooooo frustrated. I persevered until each pen in the package officially ran out of ink and I shopped for a replacement brand of pen. No luck. I am two pens into another package of four (I should have purchased one pen at a time until I knew for sure. My mistake).

As I fought with the second new pen and it was worse than the one before, I silently screamed in my head, "Life is too short to write with crappy pens!!!"

Before I tossed the whole lot of them, I decided to check the packaging. Maybe there was a "best before" date and I simply bought pens where the ink was drying out. No luck. 

But I did find a phone number my first package of pens. "If you are not completely satisfied with your product, please contact us at ...."

So I called. I had the chance to voice my complaint and in return, the company has the opportunity to make it right. They will be sending me replacement pens and I should receive them within two weeks. 

There is truly no reason to complain if you don't give the other party a chance to make amends. My second brand of pens came with no such guarantee but I may try to return the to the store where I made the purchase. The worst they can say is "no".

Ranting and raving and feeling angry steals our joy. Finding solutions (see yesterday's post, where all I had to do was flip my top sheet upside down to fix the problem), alternatives or going to the source and putting a voice to the concern is empowering.

Life IS too short to write with crappy pens. I WILL live to write another day. In the meantime, there is another brand of pen that has served me well. If at first you don't succeed, just keep trying. Or as Dory (from Finding Nemo) would say, "Just keep swimming..."

Which Way is Up?

You know life is getting too complicated when you find something as simple as sheets should come with an instruction manual.

I wore out my bottom sheet a while ago so I invested in some new sheets. I'm more into the economical side of sheet-buying rather than thread count. I found a set of sheets for $39.97 and came home and "installed" them.

The fitted sheet doesn't fit as snugly as my previous one did. Fail. The top sheet was much larger as well, so I arranged the excessive sheet on the side of the bed by the wall. The pillowcases were a pleasant surprise, as they actually accommodate a queen sized pillow with ease.

It took longer than it should have, to make my bed the first time. The reward would come when I climbed into bed and nestled into my crisp new sheets for the first time. Another fail.

My feet snagged on the top sheet. So the next night before I went to bed, I sanded down my foot callouses and lotioned my feet until they were silky smooth before I went to bed. It was better but not perfect. The next night(s) after that, I tried sanding down the areas of my feet that were still snagging the sheets. Better. Still not perfect.

I was glad when it came time to launder my sheets so I could pull another set of reject-sheets from the closet and enjoy some snag-free sleep.

My old sheets are the kind where you get one corner of the fitted sheet in place and it pops out the moment you try to fit the second corner. It took much manoeuvring to wrangle all four corners into place at one time. I knew there was a reason these sheets got shelved. The pillowcases barely fit over the pillows. But the sheets were soft. Oh, so soft to sleep in. Heavenly!

I checked the labels. My old, ill fitting sheets are Egyptian cotton. Good to know. My new ones are microfibre. Duly noted.

When the time came to change my sheets again, I decided to give my new ones another try. It was a good excuse to tend to my calloused feet.

I crawled into bed that night and was conscious enough to realize my feet were only snagging the top sheet. The bottom sheet was just fine. The sheets have a shiny side and a cottony-smooth side. Hmmm ... did I install my top sheet wrong?

Last night, I remade my bed and flipped the top sheet "upside down". Embroidery face down, hems showing, shiny side up, to match the way the fitted sheet was made to fit the bed. I crawled into bed, ran my feet across the sheets. Perfection! No foot-snagging. It was awesome.

I grazed my feet across the perfectly smooth sheet surfaces every time I rolled over last night. Ahhh!!! So smooth! Heavenly!

Not only did I figure out why I most likely wore out my previous sheets (from all the friction created as I ran my feet over my sheets as I slept), but I felt a small bit peeved as I thought to myself, "Life is far too complicated if I cannot even install sheets without a set of instructions indicating which way is up!"

The moral of my little story is that thread count (in my estimation) does not matter as much as knowing which way is up when you buy new sheets.

A Purrfect Picture

From M'eowr House to Yours,

I wish you a Purrfectly Marvelous Day

However you define "marvelous", 

may your day be seasoned with a little bit of purrfection.

Hoppy Trails

So many trails ...

... I can only wonder how many rabbits.

One hoppy little rabbit ran a circle, did several four-feet-off-the-ground hops, circled back and headed on his merry way while I watched this morning. 

Could this be the work of only one rabbit? I may never know ...

Thank You

It seems to be a morning of squeezing out the last of the toothpaste from the tube; finishing off the last of some frozen fruit; running to the end of another toilet paper roll; and emptying a jug of milk. It has been a week of worn out socks; holey gloves; replacing another pen that ran out of ink; pulling out a warmer coat; and finishing off the last of my favorite foot cream.

In all cases but one, we have a back-up supply within the house. In the case of the milk, it will be replenished before the day's end.

As I squeeze out the last of all we have run out of, I cannot help but think "What if this was all we had? What if we couldn't replenish our resources by simply running out to the store?"

I have just refilled a prescription. The question of topping up the gas in the car is simply a matter of "when", not "how" or "if". Picking up groceries is a weekly chore, something I squeeze into the week but never a question of affordability.

I turned up the thermostat and the furnace didn't cut in as expected. I wandered downstairs to look at the furnace. How old is the air filter? Are any warning lights flashing? Everything checked out okay and within minutes I could feel the house heating up. What if our furnace died and we didn't have the means to have it repaired?

My car is looking pretty dirty with all the melting and slushy weather we have had recently. But everything is working and it gets me where I need to go and back home again. What if it didn't? If it died, what if I couldn't get it to a garage?

As I walk through my quiet little life, I hope I never ever stop feeling grateful for the creature comforts within our home and the community that surrounds us.

I am grateful. So grateful.

Thank you.

Focusing on the Joy

I found this in my morning scroll through Facebook:

~ Ziad K. Abdelnour

Image from rawforbeauty.com

So much truth in such a simple metaphor.

One's perception of "life" is so often where one places their focus.

I watch videos of children misbehaving and getting attention for their actions. 

Then we wonder why children are acting the way they do?

I scroll past information I find "jump on the bandwagon and 'hate' this person".

So much energy is spent on spreading the hate. 

And we wonder why there the peace within the world is threatened?

The state of our economy, job security, the value of our dollar and concern about the future?

They are all very valid concerns. 

Every time I start worrying about that which is out of my control, I look inward and try to find some small way in which I can control my very small piece of the puzzle (which is quite possibly why I spend an extraordinary amount of time scouring my financial spreadsheet to analyze my spending patterns and try to adapt better habits to secure a better future).

There is so very much that is out of our control within our world.

But if we focus on what's important,

Capture the joy we find along our way,

Develop from the negativity that surrounds us,

And just keep taking another shot when things go wrong,

 We will create a mental "photo album" that brings as much peace of mind as we can muster.

Thank you, Facebook for bringing the good stuff to our attention. 

I do not apologize for the negativity I quickly scroll past.

I am placing my focus on that which enlightens me and brings me joy.

It makes living in my happy little bubble wrapped world a better place to be.

A Year From Now

As much as I have been looking back recapping the year 2019 in my mind, there is a part of me that is looking up, appreciating the moment I'm in and wistfully wondering where things will be a year from now ...

I wrote those words then went back into the archives of this blog to remind myself where I was a year ago.

A year ago, I had basically stopped writing here. I started writing during my Christmas holiday and promised myself to start writing again. I have kept that promise.

A year ago, I wrote of our upstairs bedrooms not having an identity. I was toying with the idea of emptying out each bedroom, painting it, sorting the contents within and getting the house organized and spruced up one room at a time. A year later? The entire upstairs (minus the bathroom) was refurbished, floor to ceiling. The outdoor maintenance has been tended as well.

A year ago, I was beating myself up for not having the ambition I should have. Nothing has changed there. Except I am attempting to be a little kinder to myself and forgiving myself for my shortfalls.

A year ago, I was over the moon because I had no Christmas plans. It was a vacation to be enjoyed at home and there was no place I would rather be. Same goes for this year.

December 30, 2018 - this is what I wrote:

I'm a homebody. I love home. I love quiet. I feel like I could envelope myself within this tiny little world and it would be enough. 

I know enough to be careful what I wish for. What if "this" was all I could have? What if I didn't live in a world where invitations, interaction, work obligations, friends and family weren't at my fingertips? Would this be enough?

I know it wouldn't be. I know I have this incredible peace within me because I have a sense of purpose combined with strong, safe relationships with people outside of my tiny little bubble. 

My bubble wrapped little world. I'm not taking many risks here yet. I'll keep taking one forward step at a time. Peace and contentment first. The rest will follow ...

December 3, 2019 - almost a year has passed since I wrote those words. So much has transpired during the year past. So much.

I cannot help but wonder what the next year will bring. I will set my goals, live life a day at a time, continue to revel in the wonder that is "my life", I will be grateful for good health, family harmony and peace of mind for all.

The wheels are in motion. They never stop. Life evolves a day at a time. The past is history. The future is unknown. Living in the present, with an eye on tomorrow is truly the only way to live.

Though it never ceases to amaze me, how setting intentions does help steer the course of one's life toward a future one can only imagine.

This time last year? I was dreaming of where I hoped to be. Writing more. Tending to the needs of our neglected home. All my dreams came true. And so many more ...

Mathematical Recap of the Year ("Boring Alert" - you may wish to skip this one)

It all started when I started mentally recapping the year 2019 in my mind. It was a good year. It was memorable. It was productive. It was also very expensive.

Then my thoughts took a turn toward the financial side of the year past.

How can I start the new year right - with a new budget in place, pay off an outstanding loan from the year past AND save up for income taxes?

I looked backward and studied the money I spent. I looked forward and tried to orchestrate a budget I can live within. I added up all annual expenses and divided them by twelve to re-institute "annual expenses" back into my budget. The less I earn, the better I manage my money. This was a very financially irresponsible year.

I need to curb my spending, pay off debt and cover my tax bill while hoping no unexpected expenses arise.

Would I change a thing about the year past? Not in a heart beat.

House renovations were long overdue. I wish I had crossed fixing up the bathrooms off the list. If I had, I would be in a pretty fine pickle right about now. Thankfully I reined in my wishes and tabled bathroom renovations for another decade.

Many fine memories were made as I went where I wanted to go, did what I wanted to do, issued invitations on one hand and accepted them on the other.

It was a very good year but I am not quite in the head space to write a Christmas letter at the moment. I need to pick my head up and look above and beyond my financial spreadsheets. I need to find my whimsical side.

When I look up and out of the dollars and cents part of this life equation, I see so very many good things. At the end of the day, I turn on the Christmas lights and find my inner joy as I glance out the window in hope of spotting a rabbit.

It takes so very little to please me. I can read, write, visit and spot rabbits without leaving the house or spending a dime. So where the heck does all the money go? Just give me a sec and I can account for nearly every penny!

This is no time to write Christmas letters. I'll save that for a less financially minded day. I think I'll go watch for rabbits now ...

Best of Intentions

This has been sitting idle in the hallway for the past five days:

I hereby dub this scene "Best of Intentions"

Rabbit Tracks in the Snow

I love fresh snow! It is the most excellent way of monitoring the presence of rabbits who wander through our yard and is the next best thing to video surveillance. 

I got home at 8:00 last night and found one set of rabbit prints entering our yard. There was a distinct "rabbit print" in the snow, where you could tell it stopped and rested a while right beside the rabbit food dish.

I checked sporadically through the rest of my waking hours. No rabbit sighting. No more rabbit prints in the snow.

Then I woke up this morning to find this!!!

Between word getting out that there is food to be had in this yard and the obvious curiousity these little guys have for our new Christmas light projector, there was a Rabbit Palooza going on in our front yard over night!

All these rabbit tracks and no actual rabbit spottings ...

It made me ponder the presence which is all around us that we cannot see. This thought warmed me from the inside, out and I felt no end of joy as I thought of the mystic and whimsical thoughts of "that which I cannot see that is all around me".

The absolute joy I felt as I gazed at all the rabbit tracks filled my soul. I gazed out into our front yard and simply enjoyed the wonder of it all.

Then guess who hopped in to have a little snack on his way past our yard? Yes, an actual rabbit! And I shall name it "Joy".

Christmas Joy

This is what I returned home to last night:

My son set this up yesterday and didn't trust leaving it unattended. So he also set up a video time lapse to "catch a thief", should anyone try to steal our Christmas light projector.

Look who came to check out our new lights! 

I was over the moon when we stumbled across this video footage: 

Christmas Joy in the form of our friendly neighborhood rabbit.

Same Old, Same Old

I live a bit of a "Groundhog Day" existence. Don't get me wrong. I appreciate the sameness, the predictability and routine of a regularly scheduled day in my life but I wouldn't mind tweaking a thing or two.

I woke up this morning, made my bed, checked for rabbits, made coffee and wrote my morning pages at the table in front of the living room window. I made my morning smoothie, a second cup of coffee and worked through my regularly scheduled word and number puzzles. By the third cup of coffee, I was into perusing the Internet which usually leads me to stopping by and blogging for a bit before the demands of the day start to nag at me. Rinse and repeat. I do this over and over and over again. It never gets old.

It is the "nagging" part of the above scenario that is tiresome. I have to wash and tame my hair. Thankfully aging provides a reprieve there. If I don't sweat or get caught up in a dust storm, my hair will last a week between washings. The frequency between touching up my roots has sped up to every three to four weeks. The style I presently sport doesn't require cutting too terribly often but I'm feeling a tad shaggy at the moment so I believe my once-every-three-months hair trimming time has arrived.

All in all, can I just say I wish I had the hair of a short-haired cat? A cat's hair grows to a certain length, sheds and starts all over again. Their daily hair-all-over-the-body washing routine could be the downfall. I'm quite certain if I was a cat, I would be complaining about the maintenance of the above mentioned hair. But have you ever seen a short-haired cat having a bad hair day? I do stress the short-haired part. I have seen long-haired cats who could use a trip to the hair salon.

Then I got to thinking. If I was a rabbit, I could change hair colors with the seasons. It would just be part of mother nature's self preservation routine. Though if I was a rabbit, I can certainly hear myself complaining about the shedding required while my hair changed color on its own. The cat wins.

Yes, I should be washing my hair as I write. Then I should go outside and shovel snow. Another repetitive task which gets a little more tiresome as winter settles in to stay. But for today??? This last light snowfall revealed many, many rabbit tracks in our yard. Either our neighborhood rabbits keep coming back and back for more, or word has got out and rabbits from far and wide have heard of the rumor that there is food to be had under our fir tree.

Feeding the rabbits will never get old. Cleaning cat litter however? Just one more task to tend before I head into the day ahead of me.

I'm back on the hamster wheel again. Another day-in-the-life is about to unfold. I know nothing for certain except for the fact that I will head home at the end of the day and settle into the regular little routines that soothe my soul. So I can wake up and do it all over again tomorrow.

Rabbit tracks! Lots and lots of rabbit tracks!!
This will never get old💖

Things I Love

Somewhere across my reading travels this weekend, I came upon the suggestion "Everyone should keep a list of the things they love". I wrote a list in my morning pages. I wrote another list in another notebook. I could probably write a list every day and though it would vary slightly depending upon what was moving my soul at the moment, this is my constant:

I love our home
I love being home
I love coming home
I love staying home
I love when friends and family come into our home
I love waking up in our home
I love falling asleep in our home
I love the memories made in our home
I love the aroma of supper cooking in our home
I love the sounds of our home - Mom's clock inside; her wind chimes outside
I love the morning hours in our home
I love when the rabbits wander into our front yard (love it even better when there is a new snowfall that reveals they came and went when I didn't see them)

I added other things too ...

I love watching the snow fall
I love listening to the ticking of the clock
I love white lights
I love our cat family - near and far
I love the sound of a cat's purr
I love watching cats at play
I love to laugh
I love knee shaking, real and honest conversation
I love waking up before the rest of the world starts to stir

I wrote this list from the comfort of our living room as I sat in the stillness and quiet. I loved everything about the moment I was in.

It's hard to leave the place I love most in the world. But it makes me appreciate it all over again when I return.

Rabbit food to entice the rabbits into our yard

Seems to be working, as these are the rabbit tracks I woke up to this morning (entering and exiting our yard)

... and these are a third set of rabbit tracks (exiting the yard) of the rabbit I spotted sitting in our front yard upon my waking this morning

Breathing

I have been filling my spare moments with reading this weekend past.

I have stumbled upon writers who make me "feel". Their words fill me up and inspire me. I have been inhaling their words.

I came upon this phrase in my travels:

"Reading is Like Breathing in; Writing is Like Breathing out"

~Pam Allyn 

I will exhale another day. This morning I am still inhaling the goodness of the words that found their way into my world.

Lighting Up the Season

Where there are house cats, there are inventive ways to create a Christmas tree.

I don't trust the look of Jet as he studies the trajectory required to leap to the top of this man-made Christmas scene.

With all the newly painted and refinished surfaces, Christmas is going to look a lot different around here this year. 

I Tripped Over a Cat

I am going to have a lovely gash on the side of my arm thanks to tripping over the dead weight of a stationary cat on the way to making my coffee this morning.

I noticed the shredded skin on the side of the counter before I felt the impact on my arm. All I could think at the time is "This is going to make a good story!" if anyone asks what happened to my arm.

It is truly no wonder why children are eager to show people their bumps and bruises. They are living proof they survived a trauma and lived to talk about it.

My thoughts drifted towards the conversations I've had this week. How many of those chats entailed stories of life's obstacles and the journey of coming out the other side? Most of them ...

No matter what you wake up to this morning, my you find comfort in the thought that overcoming hurdles, no matter how trivial or monumental they feel at the time, will make for a good story one day.

Everyone has a story. May your story be a good one!

Fall Season Finales

I cannot begin to tell you just how much I appreciate the mid-season break from watching my regularly scheduled TV line-up.

I only have a few TV favorites but I still have too many. When a person is driven to keep on top of the goings on in TV family's stories in the same fashion they keep up with laundry, cat litter and other regularly scheduled routines in order to feel like one is in control of their life, that person appreciates a break in the TV action twice a year.

I record two shows on Monday; one on Tuesday and two more on Thursday. It feels like a full time job to watch these programs at the end of a long day.

Thankfully I have popcorn and cheezies (the new Pringles for me - I do believe I have officially hit an impasse with this canister of chips which has been my favorite since their arrival in Canada in the 70's) to get me through.

I am ready for a break in the action. The only down-side to this hiatus is I have a hard time remembering where the stories last left off. My brain strength is waning. Is it because I watch too much TV? Since Netflix is there to pick up where the regular TV season left off, I may never find out.

We Have What We Need All Along

I find my day goes better if I simply ride the wave and go with the flow of the tide, wherever the wind blows or simply wherever the next step takes me.

My Tuesday is the equivalent of most people's Monday. It is my first day back into the real world of work, obligations, expectations and (hardest of all) leaving the house for ten hour stretches at a time.

I walked into my work week filled with angst like feelings. I couldn't quite shake them until I reached the end of my day and had to be satisfied with "I did my best".

I walked into yesterday feeling anxious and googled my own blog to find other posts written in angst. I found a little gem where I wrote about a daycare day where no one was meeting anyone's expectations of the day and it went from bad to worse. This was the post which I wrote next:

Right in Our Own Back Yard

This is how I ended my last post:

"Set yourself free today. Don't follow the rules (or mow your lawn or pick your weeds). Let the day flow in and through you just the way it wants to. Don't fight the flow. And see how it goes.

There is beauty in letting the day wash through you. I think I need to take a piece of my own advice. If I'm still standing at the end of the day, I'll try and update you."

Then? I proceeded to follow my own advice and had a most excellent day.

We rolled with the punches. All day. And the day went amazingly well.

We followed where the day took us and even though it didn't take us any further than our own back yard, we had a completely different view and the day took on a glow.

Some clouds rolled in and shaded our deck in the morning so we played in the shade, watched a hydrovac truck pull out our fence post and then the kids got the best gift of all. The guy who pulled out our post invited them to come have a look at the hole he made, a tour of his truck and [insert drum roll here] they got to go "rock picking" in the back alley while we were there.

They brought their rocks back onto the deck with them and they provided no end of entertainment. Peace, contentment and joy were all wrapped up into our morning and I didn't even have to apply sunscreen!

After nap time, my son rigged up a sprinkler hose atop the deck railing and we endured the heatwave in an imaginative and interactive way.

I didn't fight the flow and the day provided exactly what we needed. 

Add a big, noisy truck, a few clouds when needed, some rocks and some water and it equalled contentment in my little world. 

As an added bonus, our fence is finally fixed, so next week we have full run of the back yard again.

Everything we needed was right in our own back yard. Isn't that often the case?

Go ahead and live your day as it unfolds. Do your best. Sometimes what we need the most is right in front of us. We simply have to notice we have what need all along.

A Little More on Angst

When I woke up feeling a little angsty this morning, I searched the word "angst" on my blog and came up with this post from the past. I wrote this during the height of some of my daycaring stresses and I still found the lessons hidden within the toughest of days. It is my hope I will always keep looking for the nuggets of wisdom hidden within the toughest of days.

Here is a little blast from my past, written 4-1/2 years ago:

FRIDAY, JUNE 26, 2015

Angst

Angst -  a feeling of anxiety, apprehension, or insecurity

Yes, "angst" is a good word for the way I woke up this morning.

I haven't been rolling with this week very well.  I think I need a holiday. Kid-chatter is grating on my last nerve.

Scene from my two days ago:

Child: Colleen, do you like my dress?
Me: Uh-huh.
Child: Colleen, do you like my dress?
Me: Yes I do.
Child: Colleen, do you like my dress?
Me: Yes, I like your dress.
Child: Colleen, do you like my dress?
Me: Yes. I like your pretty dress.
Child: Colleen, do you like my dress?
Me: YES, AND I HEARD YOU THE FIRST FOUR TIMES YOU TOLD ME! [fail, I know]

Scene from yesterday:

Me: Who has an idea what to have for snack today?
Child 1: I do.
Child 2: No, I do!
Child 3: NO! I DO!!
Me: Okay, what is your idea?
Child 1, 2 and 3: Silence

Yesterday morning started out with a large, suspicious wet spot on the couch. My Little Guy, who had just arrived and didn't want to eat breakfast with us and sat on the couch, had an overfilled diaper that leaked onto the couch.

The cleaning-of-the-couch process drew children to me, like bees to honey. And I wasn't feeling too terribly sweet. So I turned on the "Bubble Guppies" and begged them to watch it and sit on the love seat, where they always sit, not on the couch. You would have thought I was asking for the moon.

So ... we finally made it out the door and we had walked fifteen minutes towards a spray park to find a cool way to beat the heat when this conversation took place:

Little Boy #2: [indeterminable mumbling preceded the words] ... poopin'.
Me: [immediately remembering I had failed to take him to the bathroom just before we left, although he had gone immediately after breakfast and we would have been out the door shortly thereafter, if it wasn't for the Wet Couch Incident] You have to go poop?
Little Boy #2: Yup

I couldn't be frustrated. It was my fault. We turned on a dime, headed home, took him to the bathroom. And by then, he didn't have to go.

So we headed back towards the park and all went well. We got home, had a quick lunch, watched a little bit of a movie and everyone headed towards those minutes of the day I love the best. Quiet time.

I usually get twenty minutes to myself during that time. Then I get the older ones up so they can watch a movie and I have an added half hour of them watching a movie while I start to update our daycare blog. Those quiet minutes get me through the day. When I don't get them? I am depleted.

Yesterday? I didn't get them.

Little Boy #1 woke up an hour ahead of schedule. He is a dynamo. He bounces off the couches. Literally. He needs to climb, be active, diversity and he really thrives in a no-rules-zone. I need this little boy to sleep. He didn't.

It was hot, hot, hot outside yesterday. So I brought the water table out onto the shaded deck. This new activity brought no end of fun and bliss and contentment to our world last year. I was ready for some blissful, cool water fun. It would save the day.

Little Boy #1 was not here last year. He LOVED the water. But no one else could enjoy the water play because he saturated everything and everybody in sight. It was a "two part" table, so I moved him over to the other half so he could play any which way he wanted to play and not soak everyone else. He didn't like that idea. He wanted to be where everyone else was. Then he climbed onto/into the water table. Not once. Not twice. Three times. The water table is not meant to be sat in.

Little Boy #2 saw LB #1 climbing in the table so he thought it would be just fine to sit on it as well. Not once. Not twice. But three times.

I dumped the water and hid the table in the garage.

Little Boy #2 was angry with me for taking away the only fun thing there was to do. I begged my son to come outside with me. I desperately needed to communicate with someone over the age of three. He didn't want to be there and when he saw my exasperation levels he simply said, "I don't know why you didn't just take them downstairs".

"Because I am being a good, creative and fun babysitter, That is why! I'm doing the right things but the wrong things are happening!! THAT'S why!"

Well, I didn't really say that. But I did think it.

Why do the wrong things happen when you do what you do for all the right reasons? Could it be because nothing I offered the kids came from a place of joy? It was all guilt and trying to do the right thing.

Thus, I woke this morning [is it just me, or is this not the longest week in the history of man???], feeling very apprehensive about the day ahead of me. I am anxious because I really don't know what to do with my little energizer bunny who is sick to death of the confines of our house and yard. And I am feeling insecure because I should be better than this.

I know better but I'm not doing better.

Angst. Yes, that is me today. It can only get better. Right?

Good things do not come from a place of guilt and obligation. Good things come out of the smallest intentions, coming from a place of giving and joy.

I think we are going to go find bugs and stones today. Life is simpler that way.

One other quote from yesterday:

As we were walking to the waterpark (the first time), my three-year-old little girl saw a yard overgrown with a wild flower garden, unkempt and unmowed grass, filled with dandelions and clover in full bloom and she said in wonder, "Colleen! Look at the beautiful garden!!"

And do you know what? It was beautiful. It was unabandoned, unrestricted wild beauty. Mother Nature set free to do as she pleased. And it looked good.

Set yourself free today. Don't follow the rules (or mow your lawn or pick your weeds). Let the day flow in and through you just the way it wants to. Don't fight the flow. And see how it goes.

There is beauty in letting the day wash through you. I think I need to take a piece of my own advice. If I'm still standing at the end of the day, I'll try and update you.

"Colleen! What a beautiful garden!!"