An Easy Yes

I woke up to an invitation from a friend that was a "YES!!" response from every fiber of my being. It was an invitation to a house concert that opened my eyes to a whole new world ten years ago.

I haven't felt an "easy yes" in me for so long that I can't pin down the beginning of the end for me. There was the fallout of some negative work experiences from 2010-2012. There was the state of pure and utter exhaustion that followed the completion a family memory book in 2014. There was "the year of Mom" (and the year after) in 2016/2017. Then there was the year 2020, when I finally had permission to feel the way I felt and the whole world was in a state of "saying no" against their wishes, while I rallied.

"Yes!" No if, ands or buts. Just "Yes!!", with an additional invitation of "Would you like to go out for supper first?" that fell off my fingertips without hesitation in the immediate aftermath.

This is the post I wrote the morning after I experienced my first house concert. "This" is the invitation I have just received. Same venue. Same artist. Same friend issuing the invitation. This is why it was such an easy yes:

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 24, 2013

New Experiences

I honestly had no real concept of what I 'signed myself up for' last night. No, it was nothing too frightening or scary. Simply something new-to-me.

I don't often do 'new'. I go to the same restaurants and order the same food. All of the time. When we go away for a vacation, I am thrilled from the inside out when I discover a McDonald's and a Tim Hortons in the neighborhood. Whenever I enter a whole new world, I am looking for all that is familiar to me.

I take the same route wherever I go. Once and a while I decide to 'shake it up' a little and find a more scenic route home. Then that becomes my new norm. The same tried and true route going to my destination. The same scenic route on my way home.

Entertainment for me is dinner and a movie. Or going out for a meal. Or going out for coffee. Or getting together with friends. When a friend suggests we try to add a new dimension to our tried and true recipe, part of me is wanting to just sit still and enjoy the company and forget about the 'doing' part. But every single time we do something, it adds a wonderful new dimension to the same familiar routines.

Last night, I was invited to go to a 'House Concert' with a few friends. I had no idea what that meant other than being told that it was held in the garage in the host's back yard. I knew that the 'garage' had been used for holding training seminars prior to this so I was not expecting to sit in a rustic garage like mine. But that was about all I knew to expect.

I was told that this couple put on these 'house concerts' for artists that played to a smaller venue. I was told who would be performing but I didn't google (nor did I really even know that this performer would be googleable) him in advance.

So I sat down in this meticulously clean, bright, candlelit and finished garage (that someone could easily live in, other than the fact that there wasn't a washroom in the building). There was a nook for our pot luck refreshments and there was seating for at least 51 people (I tried counting - I could be wrong). We arrived early and got to pick the best (most comfortable) seats in the house.

Then the show began.

Our hosts were so very personable. A husband/wife duo that complimented each other and set the tone for the evening ahead. We were laughing from the onset.

Then our performers made their entrance and once again, we were laughing and enjoying the personalities of our entertainers as they segued their way into our evening's entertainment.

The music was absolutely delightful. Watching the songwriter perform to the beat of his own keyboard (while accompanied with a back-up singer that just happened to be his sister), you could feel the pulse of the music in your heart. To watch someone perform their art in such an up close and personal way, in such a small venue ... far exceeded any huge concert experience I have ever seen (not that I have much experience in that - the large concert scene is not for me).

The audience is so personable. I sat next to someone I had never seen before in my life and I could feel their eyes upon me when I laughed and conversation was easy when the intermission arrived. How can it be anything else when you share an experience that you can feel in your bones long after the music has stopped?

The artist was Jeffery Straker. His website is: http://jeffstraker.com/ . Click on some of his music. I don't know if you had to 'be there' to feel what I feel when I listen to his voice. And the keyboard ... oh, the keyboard! I love that not only do I have a face to put to the music, I have the 'intimate experience' of a house concert to enhance the flavor of his songwriting, singing and performing abilities. Plus? He made me laugh. I love to laugh. I love music. I love when I get so wrapped up in a moment that I am in awe of the talent that it takes to take a passion and put it all together in the form of an art. It was a combination of everything that makes my heart sing. Plus! I was sharing the experience with friends ...

Music brings the world together in harmony. Last night, within the confines of a garage (that could have just as easily been a living room), I experienced my first House Concert. The outside world ceased to exist. I was transported to a place where peace, harmony, goodwill and laughter reigned.

If someone invites you to experience something new, go for it! If you are brave (or lazy, like I was), go into it knowing absolutely nothing at all. Let yourself experience it like a newborn baby experiences the world.

We know and have the ability to find out almost anything we want to know about in this world of ours. It is a rare treat to experience something completely fresh and brand new, with little to taint your idea of what it could be.

"Blessed are those who expect nothing, for they shall not be disappointed."

~ Unknown

The Months of "No"

Shonda Rhimes' book "Year of Yes" was an inspiration to me. Her book was a testament to her year of "Yes" and the impact accepting life's invitations had on her life. 

I have tried the "Yes" way of life. It is fine. It has led me to places I would have never been before. It is both exhilarating and exhausting. It is hard. It is expensive. It goes against my naturally inherent introvert tendencies. The word "yes" depletes me as much as it enriches my life at times.

I have come to like the "easy yeses" instead.

I tried to come up with a list of "easy yeses" and my thought well ran dry. "Yes" does not come easy to me right now. I have been reveling in the COVID months of "No".

"No thank you" is my favorite go-to-response at the moment. 

As our world is gradually reopening there is a huge part of me that is screaming, "I'M NOT READY YET!!"

When I quizzed someone of the protocol about going out of province or whether having out of province guests would interfere with the ability to enter a retirement/senior living complex, they had to consult their books and came up with the response "As long as you aren't showing symptoms of COVID-19, you would be allowed access". My response to this was "Isn't it too late by then?" We both nodded our heads in agreement that the biggest risk was in spreading the virus while not showing symptoms. 

Due to the regular contact I have with my senior friends, I continue to be vigilant in my isolated little world. I don't get sick. Thus, I fear I could unknowingly spread a contagion to those who could be at risk. I continue to find reasons to say "No" to the invitations that are ever so slowly starting to reappear.

Where does paranoia start to overlap with common sense when it comes to the Coronavirus? Is my natural tendency to want to decline invitations being enabled by being able to label an excuse on it?

The reason I believe I am falling back on common sense is when it comes to invitations from family. It doesn't matter how depleted I feel, I equate interaction with my siblings to oxygen-for-my-soul. The answer is always, always, always "Yes! Yes!! Yes!!!".

This virus has beaten me down to a point where "No" is comfortable, safe, familiar, affordable and exactly where I most want to be.

I love the comfort weekends bring even more than I did during the B.C. (before COVID) days. I love parking the car Friday night and not starting it up again until I go to my aunt's on Monday.

I love, love, love working from home. I'm still having a little bit of trouble establishing boundaries but for the most part, my office-with-a-door offers most of the separation I need to keep work from infiltrating other areas of this oasis I call home.

I love the world of ordering online, free delivery or curbside pick-up. My heart clenches just a little before I enter a store-with-a-door. 

When I sat down with the words "the months of 'no' " at the tip of my fingertips this morning, my intent was to write of the lightness of heart I feel at living safely within the rules of isolation. Instead, the gravity of truth seeped out.

COVID-19, I truly appreciate the clarity, the isolation and lessons you have brought into our world. Personally, I am fortunate to say I have gained much more than I have lost though I know that is not the case for everyone. 

These months of "no" have been a holiday from life-as-I-know-it. It has been a reprieve from expectations. I know I must dip my toe back in the water and tentatively re-instate cautious "yeses" back into my world. The words "I'm not ready yet" have not yet been silenced. Perhaps there is a reason for that. Or maybe it is just an excuse.

One step in a forward direction, one step, one day at a time. Will take us where we need to go.

What Would You Do If You Were Retired?

Retirement is a hot topic of conversation between my aunt and me. I'm just a little older than her oldest child. He retired a few years ago. This triggers many conversations.

Q - Why aren't you retired?

A - I didn't plan well enough.

Q - How did my son retire then?

A - He stayed at the same job throughout his career. I quit my job with benefits and became a daycare provider with no benefits and no pension.

Q - Why didn't you just keep on putting money aside then?

A - I was just managing to pay the bills. There was not enough left over.

Q - How long are you going to work?

A - Until I'm at least 65 unless my job situation is taken out of my hands. 

Q - Why don't you retire now?

A - What in the world would I do with my time? I may as well work.

Q - What do you do with your time now?

A - I waste time like nobody's business. I hate to think what I would do if I didn't have to work.

Q - But what do you DO?

A - I do puzzles, I read, I write, I do my banking and play with my finances, I follow where my curiosity leads and lose track of time.

Q - What's wrong with that? 

A - Hmmmm .....

I have spent the past few mornings lost in the questions:

Q - How much has accepting and issuing life's invitations cost me the past few years?

A - Last year - about $3,000; the year before that (a year where I issued as many invitations as I accepted) - closer to $5,000

Revelation - The word "yes" is expensive

Q - Could I afford to retire if the bottom fell out of my employment income?

A - No

Q - Where did my inheritance go?

A - It went exactly where it needed to go. No regrets. But I'm still not quite set up to retire.

Q - What WOULD I do if I was retired?

A - I have sooooo many things I would like to do around here. First, I would sort through paperwork, memories and pictures. 

When I felt I had some semblance of order in all of the above, I would sit down with my letters to Mom and her letters to me. I would sort them into date and conversational order. I would cull the highlights and create a collage of "Dear Mom" letters and Mom's responses. 

What would I do if I was retired? I believe I would sit still with what I have and create order out of the papers, memories, pictures and letters I have collected.

Back to my aunt's question:

Q - What's wrong with that? 

A - Hmmmm .....

Revelation: I am grateful for the repetitive nature of our conversations. It reminds me to remember what I have is good and maybe wasting time like nobody's business today means I am planting seeds for tomorrow.

What seeds are you unknowingly planting today? What small, repetitive actions/conversations/thoughts are reminding you to think and rethink your fate? What question triggers your curiosity and subconsciously sets your thoughts in motion? 

Lose yourself in those thoughts and see where they take you. 

Company's Coming!

Something deep within me has shifted. The upcoming week is full of commitments, people, company coming AND I am a little bit excited despite it all.

Rewind the tape to a time not so long ago when plans were made and I dutifully carried them out. Each step along the way was slightly less excruciating than the one that preceded it. I would follow through, complete my mission, come home and gather my energy for the next hard thing.

This is not unusual for me. I don't like leaving home. Normally I go through the process alone, finding the simplest of decisions inexplicably hard. I don't know what to pack. Whether or not I need to bring a pillow. What if the house burns down while I'm away? What if I don't make it back? Is everything in order?

This is normal for me. I have gone through this process in a slightly less feverish approach for most of my adult life. The "what ifs" bog me down but they start to lighten the moment I'm on my way to somewhere.

Somewhere may be work, an outing with a friend, a short getaway or a more extensive holiday-like destination. The place between "leaving home" and "heading somewhere" is uncomfortable. I go through my processes and to date, I have always come out the other side of the experience intact and grateful for the experience.

It became worrisome to me when issuing invitations into our home started to carry some of the same burden. I become obsessive about cat hair, cleanliness, organization and would over think most every aspect of pending company.

There is one caveat. Outings, gatherings, invitations and conversations involving my own family sustained me. These encounters felt like pure oxygen and breathed life back into me.

Family is coming. Each and every one of my guest rooms will be utilized. I have a guest who will be staying for a longer period and I have gone into full-on hostess mode.

I want to provide little touches, things I appreciate when I'm away from home and distracted by things beyond my control. I want my guest to arrive and not have to worry about a thing.

I went about my weekend preparing for the week ahead of me. I have created a home away from home for my guests and I am just a little bit excited for things to fall into place. Undoubtedly, I will have forgotten something. I always do. But the state of becoming prepared for a week such as this has filled me up and oxygenated me.

I have three spare bedrooms. I have created a little oasis where I put myself in my guests' shoes and have tried to anticipate the small little comforts to make our home feel like theirs. Our home feels happy and open to all that will unfold within these walls.

"If you create it, they will come ..." It feels like I'm in my Field of Dreams again.

No Place Like Home

It feels harder and harder to look forward to "getting away from it all". Why in the world would I choose to get away from a place that fills me up and brings me joy? Holidays have become equivalent to the gift of simply being able to stay home. Is it any wonder I don't want to uproot myself and go anywhere?

I had hoped this holiday would be that of a "play it by ear" variety. No plans. Simply pick up and go, if and when the spirit moved me and the opportunity arose.

Then I accepted an invitation. No regrets. As always, I know I will be glad I have followed the path of least resistance. Even though saying "yes" was met with the pulling of some home-bound-heart-strings, I knew "yes" was the right answer.

By the time I post this, I will be home again. I can predict the future. I will be glad I went. I will be feeling the afterglow of some perfectly imperfect memories. At the moment, there is a little bit of angst in the unknown factor of our visit. By the time we return home, all anxieties will be put to rest.

I feel anxious as the entirety of my little family who is home, will be in a car headed in a westward direction to visit family.

As always, I wonder what if we don't make it back home again? Who will take care of our cats? What if the house alarm goes off? What if ... what if ... what if ...

Here I sit, in the moments before we leave home looking forward to the moment when we drive up our street upon our return home. Safe and sound, the house still standing and anxiously awaiting the moment when we see what our cats have been up to in our absence.

Be it ever so humble ... there is no place like home.

If You Share It ... They Will Come

The essence of "The Field of Dreams" runs rampant through my life. I hear the words "If you build it, they will come" whisper through my subconscious thoughts when I find myself in a position to share whatever it may be that I have to offer.

I took a detour as I searched my blog with "Field of Dreams" and took an enjoyable walk down memory lane as I scanned through several previous posts supporting the theory that I just may be dreaming up this life of mine. If I dream something up, "they" very often come.

My most recent revelation is not quite so deep. It stems from the excessive amount of groceries I bought for a family gathering of "twenty". I bought enough groceries to feed double that amount. I felt an incredible amount of angst as I gazed into the fridge and saw all the perishable food that had to be consumed.

I immediately started issuing invitations.

I fed five for supper the following day and sent a bag of fresh vegetables home with one. The day after that, my aunt ended up with unexpected supper guests. "Let's go for a drive!" I said and we came back here to pick up enough to feed four. I bought potato salad that came highly recommended by a friend, so I shared it with that friend and fed one more. My son has been eating very well this week and my lunches have consisted of more than granola bars. The excess has been reduced to an amount that can easily be consumed before the "best before" date.

The panic I felt as I gazed upon the excessive amount of groceries has given extra life to one invitation I issued to many. The excess has given me the gift of prolonging the gift of family, invitations and the opportunity to live in my field of dreams again. If I share it ... they will come.

Amazing things can happen when a door is opened for others to walk into whatever you may have to offer. It can be as simple as a cold glass of water on a hot day or time to share with someone who needs a shoulder to lean on.

If you open yourself up to allow people into your world, you too could be living in your field of dreams.

My Repetitive Life is Full of Lessons I Already Know

In this cyclical, repetitive life I lead I seem to find my own answers hidden within the content of this blog space. I reread these words I wrote five years ago and they speak to me where I am at right now. Need I say more?

TUESDAY, MARCH 11, 2014

Famous Last Words

"My calendar is pretty empty. I know I must get milk sometime within the next five days or so but that is about the extent of my social calendar. Oh, and I must donate blood the week after that. Busy month for me!"

Those are the words that I typed when I replied to my cousin's email at 6:52 on Saturday evening. Less than 48 hours later, I seem to have my week booked up. How in the world did this happen?

For one thing, it is simply because I am saying "YES" to life. Saying yes is better than the year I started saying no. Saying no took away the pleasure-factor immensely. But I believe that "NO" was where I needed to be to have the energy to push myself those very hard days.

Saying "YES" invigorates and depletes at the same time. I know that I have a high-need-for-solitude so I need to offset my yeses with equal time just-for-me.

Saying "NO" does exactly the same thing to me a lot of the time. The weekends where I cocoon myself from the world and do little more than nurture myself fill me up but they also deplete me of that spark that I feel when I am in the thick of living-a-full-and-balanced-life.

Therein lies the key. Balance. Perhaps that is why I have fallen into the 'party planner' role lately.

As The Planner, I get to pick and choose what I want to do and when I want to do it. I could not have started-what-I-started-last-week a year ago, two years ago or any-number-of-years-ago because I simply didn't have anything in me to give. I was empty and trying very hard to fill myself up.

When you are running on empty it is hard to run a marathon. When you look at the long road ahead of you and you cannot even see the end goal it is hard to focus on endurance. It is simply all about getting to the next filling station and hotel.

The important thing is to keep taking those forward steps. Even when they don't seem to be making a difference. They are. Even the time spent filling up and resting are giving you what you need to make it to the next step along the way. If you could live your life backwards you would know that each and every pit stop was essential.

Small, forward steps, rest stops, keeping hydrated and enjoying the journey are what it's all about.

It takes time to prepare and train for the marathons of life. We can't be running at top speed all of the time. It's hard on the body, mind and soul. Focus on endurance. There may be times when you need to sprint but you simply cannot keep up that pace all of the time.

Yes verses no. Run verses walk. Rest verses replenish. Balance.

I love my little life-as-I-know-it. The life where running out for milk and donating blood are the driving force of a week. It gives me time to say "YES! ... I will take in a dance class" and "YES! I am home and we will have a good visit while you are here" and "YES! I can do that for you" and "YES! Let's plan an adventure".

My calendar is still pretty empty. I like it that way. It gives me room to juggle priorities and put what needs to be nourished at the top of the pile.

But my empty calendar sure feels full...

Meandering Thoughts

Nothing too terribly deep or thought provoking has been tumbling through my mind this extra-long-weekend.

I have woken up to four glorious days of "I Get to Stay Home Today!!" and it has been completely and totally amazing. I love being home. I adore mornings when I awake to the knowledge I don't have to pry myself out the door. It has been nothing special but everything wonderful all wrapped up in one small package.

Yesterday, Jet (cat) & I woke up and watched Planet Earth together. This morning Ray (second cat, technically the First Cat) hopped off the bed, threw up on the floor, hopped back into his sleeping spot and continued to rest like nothing ever happened (yes, I need these gentle reminders to nudge me into remembering why I LOVE our laminate flooring). There is truly nothing like waking up to these two black kitties resting on opposite corners of our king size bed.

I issued several invitations into the world. Some worked, some didn't, some were delayed yeses, some resulted in a deep and meaningful telephone conversation instead and ALL of the invitations resulted in me cooking meals this weekend.

I don't do much when I stay home but I DO try to cook (or provide food in some capacity - sometimes it is frozen; other times it is ordered in). Some people may have done yard work and cleaned the garage. Me? I cooked. Twice. Plus, I barbequed hot dogs one night. I feel like a super hero.

I am coming out the end of four days off and I have little to show for it except for leftovers in the fridge. I have a calm and happy heart too. Does that count for anything?

Weekends such as these make me wonder what retirement may look and feel like in my small little world. On one hand, I would hate to create a life where I didn't fully appreciate these wonderful, glorious "small nothings" that mean so much to me. On the other, I totally want to create a world where these extra-long-weekends came about on a somewhat regular basis.

I am lucky enough to have some flexibility within my work world. Maybe I can recreate this four-day-weekend from time to time. Maybe I already have done this (I just checked my calendar to find I have created extra long weekends the past three months).

I do live a charmed life. My wishes are granted on a fairly regular basis. I hope I never get to greedy and hope for more than is attainable. This is a pretty good balance of work/play/family/down-time. I honestly don't believe I could hope for more.

Revelling in the Moment

Life has been very generous with moments which have sparked joy, connection and resulted in an extra long weekend where I am simply waking up with a grateful heart.

My good fortune started a few mornings ago, when I thought I heard the hum of a familiar motor close by but talked myself out of believing it was true. Imagine my delight when I spotted my middle son on our back step, with tools in tow to fix the separated laminate flooring in the hallway.

He had a 10:00 meeting and I had some leeway as to when I should leave for work so we took some time to share a cup of coffee after the flooring issue was rectified (YAY!!!). It was a power visit but not too short to be meaningful.

I started my day with a spring in my step and the day unfolded easily.

Late that afternoon, I received a message from my sister. She was asking if she could utilize one of the spare beds in our home as she had a middle-of-the-night airport drop off and didn't want to drive home alone at that "ungodly hour". My immediate response? Sure!!

My sister arrived at 4:10 a.m., we had a short visit, then we each headed off to our respective sleeping quarters to grab a few more hours of sleep. This resulted in waking up to a completely unexpected and perfectly timed early morning visit. It was such an unexpected gift.

My youngest son and I ended up with a mutually obligation-free day. An easy conversation at home led to a drive, which led to sitting in a quiet, sun filled restaurant. The conversation that came as a result of this most perfectly un-choreographed day was deep.

We covered topics that were parallel to what I had discussed with his older brother the previous morning.

Parenting, forks in roads, the fear of worst case scenarios and eventual outcomes were discussed. I sat in the parenting seat and reflected from my vantage point, while my sons spoke about their side of the same story.

I am so grateful to be looking at these particular moments in my rear view mirror. I remember the feeling well. I was fearful of the impact of handling a situation wrong, missing clues as to what was really going on with my children and the long term effect of life as we were living it.

I see where we are today and I am grateful we have come through the other side of situations which could have played out so very differently.

I think of my own life where I strayed off the path and wandered into unfamiliar territory. I truly believe it was my own personal homing device that guided me back to create the familiar feeling of "family, home and safety" that kept me from straying further. Recreating the home I grew up in was my guiding light and the best way I could try to parent my children.

As luck would have it, I will be available to my oldest son as he has day surgery a few days from now. The opportunity to have one-on-one time with each one of my boys has presented itself to me in the most unexpected fashion. I have no idea how conversations will unfold with my oldest but I am grateful for the occasion to simply show up and be there.

I am revelling in the moment right now. I've issued a few invitations but have few expectations. The door is open to whoever shows up. It is my hope to create the opportunity for "more of the same" but memorable moments can't be planned. They just happen.

"Don't force anything. Let's just go with the flow. If it isn't an easy yes, it's a 'no'. No expectations." These are the conditions I hand out with my invitations. If everyone follows these simple rules, great things may (or may not) happen.

Sunday

I love Sundays. I like Saturdays too but Sundays have a special flavor to them as it feels like an official day of rest. I think I read somewhere that ... on the seventh day, They rested. Mom has memories of her own hard working mom resting on Sundays. I love a day that feels officially earmarked for kicking back, relaxing and enjoying whatever the day has to offer.

This particular Sunday is followed by a Saturday which was in my estimation ... perfection.

I enjoyed my leisurely morning and the phone rang just as I should have been picking myself off the kitchen chair and moving forward with the day.

A friend dropped by. After she left, I found a message from my son inviting me to join them for coffee and to walk the paths by the river. This led to an invitation to my other sons to come join us for supper.

I was home early enough to enjoy what was left of the evening. I could not have imagined a more perfect way to spend the day.

It was a day without a plan that worked out better than a perfectly choreographed agenda could have.

I love days that simply unfold without a map. Incoming or outgoing invitations slide perfectly into place, one thing leads to the next and it simply feels like everything is as it should be.

Today has started in a somewhat similar manner. I have had a few "hard things" to do. Washing my sheets and coloring my hair are behind me. All I have to do is hop in the shower, get dressed and let this day unfold without an agenda.

It is another day without a plan. I love Sunday!

Simply Grateful

Thanksgiving. My favorite holiday of the year. The day has come and gone. I'm looking back on the weekend in my rear view mirror. And I am grateful.

Grateful for the many invitations that came my way. As overwhelming as it felt in the moment, I talked myself down and simply stayed still and quiet. Cancellations, changes and modifications allowed the past weekend to unfold as it was meant to be.

Grateful for the one small task that was asked of me. "I was wondering if you would do the stuffing..." I panicked at the thought. I haven't made stuffing for years. Stuffing is the second "recipe" of Mom's that I can make instinctively. The secret? You can't have too many onions. And you go by the way it smells. In the end, it smelled like Mom's. And it was good.

Grateful for my weekend guest. Having company pushed me out of my state of idleness and into a (more) productive mode. Having company forced me up and out of bed (when I would have normally "Netflixed" the morning away). Having company was good.

Grateful for the activity filled weekend. I live a very sedentary life. This past weekend I hiked the Beechy Sand Castles for a few hours one day; walked the paths by the river the following morning; then strolled through my son's hay field later that afternoon. It felt good to move. 

Grateful for a family Thanksgiving meal (that I didn't have to cook!). My entire family sat together at one table. We were joined by my sister-in-law (my sons' aunt). We were family. We were together. We were united.

Grateful for a "normal". And most importantly? Grateful for the harmony within our small family unit. 

I am grateful. Simply grateful.

A Wireless Weekend

It was the right choice for me. Cancelling plans when you should be counting down the days until a much anticipated date is the right way to go.

I have not quite overcome the "dentist appointment" mentality when it comes to upcoming commitments written on the calendar. Even though it no longer takes a mammoth amount of strength to suggest and plan an extra-curricular activity, as the day looms I cannot wait for it to be behind me.

I tried to ignore it, but the feeling was oozing out my pores. If it was just my happiness at stake, I may have risked it. But there were others involved. Others, who WERE anxiously awaiting this upcoming retreat. Others, who I could have infected with this feeling.

So I cancelled. The weight of the world was released off my shoulders when I simply acted on my intuition. It was the right thing for me to do.

What I did instead, was to plan like I was going away and tend to all that needed to be tended before I hit the road bright and early this Friday morning.

The funny noise in my car has been fixed; the oil has been changed; gas tank is full; car is vacuumed and dusted; the lawn is mowed; my hair has been washed and tamed; the house is vacuumed. And the cats are as tended as they would be any day but as I cleaned their litter box this morning I sighed a happy sigh of relief, knowing I would be here tomorrow morning to do the same thing all over again.

You know you aren't living your best life when you look forward to cleaning the cat litter.

On a happier note, I plan to "unplug" myself from all things Internet and cell phone related. I have an "evite" I must respond to, but after I tend to that I plan to turn off my cell phone, computer and simply rely on the old fashioned means of communication.

I just wrote my "to-do" list for the weekend. It started as all lists do - write a list of chores you want to put behind you. It ended on a happier note:

Happy Friday to you! May you find what you to sustain you throughout this upcoming weekend. And if you want to reach me, please know that phone calls and drop by company is welcome. I'm not unplugging from "life". I am simply taking a break from technology. Television is not included. Not this time ...

If You Ask Them ...

I pushed myself out of my comfort zone yesterday and it was a beautiful thing. I was instantly transported back to a time when I started inviting people into my world and the response was overwhelmingly positive.

This is where one must never keep score. I could tally up the invitations sent and the response rate. But I won't. What I must remember and focus on, is the immediate response of those who were ready to simply say "Yes!"

It was intoxicating. I asked. They said yes.

Unfortunately, "yes" came too quickly to one person and they had to rescind their initial answer. So we are presently in the mode of trying to find the best date for the most people. This is where it gets harder.

I set a date, a place and a time. I was concrete in my invitation. Then when the votes started coming back, I turned all wishy washy. I am being reminded of the reason why I stopped sending out these invitations. It gets hard when one tries to please everyone.

I believe that is part of the reason I started preferring to live life spontaneously. "Do you want to go out for coffee right now?" That is a very easy yes or no answer. "Do you want to meet for coffee a week from Tuesday at 7:00 p.m.?" My immediate thought is "I don't know. I don't know. I don't know!!"

Unfortunately, when you attempt to gather more than two people (or even meet up with one one busy person), spontaneity is usually not a viable option. In order to feel success in your mission, you must cast a wide net, provide options, tally the responses then pick the place, the date and the time according to those answers. It gets complicated.

I like options.

I issued another invitation last week. It was an invitation with a few options. It was a "let's pick a date and give ourselves a few choices and back out clauses". Setting the date was key. We set the date and let the rest of our plans fall as they may. Our plans were contingent on good weather so we made a "Plan B". Our "Plan B" was a flexible and last minute option. I just received the call back on that very plan and it is a go.

We will head out today and our outing has a feeling of "being where we are meant to be". I like that feeling.

In the meantime, I will sit back and tally up today's responses and reissue a revised invitation at the day's end.

It was almost intoxicating to read those initial responses. "It's so nice to hear from you! We have been thinking of you lots recently..."; "Yes!!!!!"; "I'm soo glad you reached out..." Even those who were unable to make it were grateful for the invitation.

I must focus on the gratitude, the excitement and the mutual desire to reconnect and stay connected. It isn't about keeping score. It is about maintaining connections.

Whew! There for a while I was focusing my energy on the wrong things. I felt defeated. Now that I've sat still and started remembering how good it felt to read those initial responses, I think it is time to try hone in on doing that which terrifies me.

It is time to invite more people back into my world. I will cast a wide net and focus the positive energy generated by simply opening myself up to the possibilities. It is hard. But it is necessary. I can do hard things.

If I ask them ... they may come. If I don't ask, I can be quite certain that they won't.