If You Ask Them ...

I'm living my Field of Dreams life once again. I extended an invitation yesterday morning. There wasn't any back and forth or wavering. It was a simple, "Sounds perfect"; "Wow that sounds awesome"; "We will do that"; "Thank you"; a few more "Thanks"; one "I'm old and wondering about bathrooms" (I'll take that as a 'yes'); 

All I had to do was ask.

It's an easy group. I'm pretty sure it will be as simple as opening up my home/yard/garage and providing the basic necessities. We are ordering in pizza. Bing! Bang! Boom! Easy peasy.

Except I have to get from here to there.

My socializing muscle is weak. My hosting abilities are rusty. This sequestered, solitary little life I lead has not been good. It's been easy but sometimes one must do hard things to live a better life.

One. Forward. Step. At. A. Time.

I asked. They are coming. This is good.

Livin' My Dream

My morning has been completely derailed by looking for the answer to one small question. How long did I enjoy my downstairs bedroom in my previous home? 

I knew the answer was within this blog (the answer is: November 8, 2015 until shortly after the renovation project was complete: March, 2019).

Look what I found while I was doing my research. I documented my dream on July 26, 2013: 

Friday, July 26, 2013

I had a vision of how I wanted last summer to go...

I was working for the school at the time, so there was little chance of being called to work over the summer. In a perfect world (a world where I didn't have to worry about paying the bills), I would have two months of summer holidays. I had an adult child at home that was willing to take care of the house over the summer and I could do anything or go anywhere I wanted. In a perfect world...

I dreamt of finding a quiet retreat. I would pack up my little laptop computer, my Book Research and all the paraphernalia that would be required to get us through the summer. I would pack up My Youngest and they would spend a summer outside, away from X-box live, the Internet and the television set. They would hate me for a while but after all was said and done we would look back on the summer as the-best-we-had-ever-had.

To perpetuate my dream, I found out that one of my dad's brothers had vacated their country home ... which just happened to be the last home that my dad's parents lived in together. It is a two story home and I would set up a desk and computer beside an outward facing window (insert picture of John Boy Walton here) and I would write.

I would vacation in a world that was close to my dad's family. The geography, the atmosphere, the essence, the solitude and the time would provide me with everything I needed to tackle the job that I had set before me. It was going to be wonderful.

I'm still waiting for those two months of summer holidays, but the quiet retreat, the two story home with a desk by an outward facing window, a world close to my roots ... is my reality.

If you dream it, it will come.

I'm living in my field of dreams.

On the Eighth Day

Ahhhh! Things look the same around here but they sure feel different after a relatively productive weekend.

TV off. One step in a forward direction. Start. Just start.

Yesterday began with "I'll just clean a blind". One blind led to another. And another. And so on and so forth. Clean blinds led to vacuuming screens and cleaning the inside of the windows.

I stopped for lunch. Most days that would have been the end of me but before I stopped, I parked the vacuum cleaner at the top of the basement stairs.

I'll just vacuum the stairs. Forward momentum didn't take me as far but it took me to the cardboard recycling bins a few times. I picked a few more weeds on my final trip home. 

All I had left to do with the day was to add a few side dishes to go along with the ham I had cooking most of the day (I like my ham dry and overcooked). I think I may have overdid it a little:

I had the mantra "If I make it, they will come" chiming through my head as the aroma of the ham slowly cooking wafted through the day. Please! Let someone drop by and take me out of my misery. I had done enough. I was ready to stop.

Maybe no one likes overdone ham the way I do. I have enough meals to take me through the week and beyond. My future self feels very taken care of.

On the eighth day, after a five day work week and a two day work weekend, I'm ready to head back to work to rest. 

Letter to Myself - Written Nine Years Ago

I stumbled across this post written almost nine years ago. I was going through one of my regularly scheduled depressive modes. Now that the age of 65 is creeping up on me, it is nice to look back on yesteryear and see how far I have come along. Yet there is still so far to go... 

SATURDAY, JUNE 4, 2016

Letter to Self (from a Sixty Year Old Me)

Dear Fifty Five Year Old You,

I am writing this letter to you four and a half years in advance of you turning sixty years old. I am writing it to you this morning because I'm a little disgusted and disappointed in "55 Year Old You" and I think you need a good talking to. This may not be pretty. You have been warned.

I am very disappointed in you lately. If I didn't know who you were and where you have been, I would call you a "quitter". Heavens, I can't even call you a quitter because lately you have been too afraid, paralyzed &/or lazy to even start anything.

I know, I know. Once you start, you feel committed. Once you feel committed to something, you start beating yourself up. Relentlessly. You think you can't start something because you don't have a whole big chunk of time to devote to the job. So you don't start anything.

This has got to end. You know that. You know the answer is to simply take small bites out of big jobs and whittle away at them. You know this! Why aren't you acting on it? I know, I know!  You are tired. Your daycare days are long. Your weekends are short. How can you do "big things" when you have so little left over at the end of the day?

If you keep this up, by the time you hit the age of sixty you will want to abandon this ship and this home you have created because there is always "too much to do". Isn't this home everything you ever wanted? Hasn't this house enabled you to work from home and adapted to whatever you wanted it to do for you? Hasn't the ability to pay "interest only" on your mortgage allowed you to pay your bills, live a comfortable life and given you more financial freedom than renting an apartment could ever afford you?

This house is so much more than a roof over your head. It sustains you. It shelters you from the harsh elements of life in so many ways more than the weather. Respect it, take care of it, pamper it a little from time to time and it will continue to be there for you. And please, please, please try to pay it off!

Speaking of houses, I have no idea why I started this rant about "where you are" and "where I want you to go" with the house. I should have started with this body that is going to carry us from Point A to Point B. If I think you've let the house that shelters us go to pot, what in the world do you think I think about the way you are treating our body? How in the world is this vessel going to weather stormy weather if you don't smarten up and take better care of it?

As it is with the house, it is with our body. Start small. Rome wasn't built in a day. Fifteen minutes isn't long. Start there. Fifteen minutes of extra curricular movement. Yes, I know you think your daycare life is keeping you from turning to stone. But it isn't challenging you. You need to stretch and move and lift and get your heart pumping faster. You know this. But you aren't doing anything about it.

Start with an early morning walk. Rain or shine or sleet or hail. Walk. Just walk! Remember how awesome you felt when you took on those early morning paper routes? Walking the streets of your neighborhood while "the world" slept? You marvelled at the Northern lights, the glistening snow, the sounds of silence and nature. You thought. The words flowed in and out and through you. You came home revitalized, energized and motivated. You loved that time. Skip the paper route, take on the walks. Start there. Add and change things up as you go along. But you must BEGIN. You must. Your life depends upon it.

While I'm at it, you must nourish yourself with good food. What you feed your body fuels your brain and your brain is acting starved lately. Give it some good, solid fuel to work with and you may be amazed that your ability to think, act decisively and "do hard things". This is half the work you thought it was when you were spending your life binge watching the Gilmore Girls on the couch, with a can of Pringles at your side. Replace the Pringles with almonds. Make good meals and you may be amazed that you may fuel the appetite of others. "If you make it they will come."

I've sat back and watched you wither yourself away into a shadow of who you are capable of being. You do not have to do great things at all times but you do need to follow your passions. When you deny yourself the ability to dream big and chase a few of those dreams you become small and your world becomes smaller. You know your world is shrinking. You think you like this feeling right now. I want you to look outside of your smallness and do uncomfortable things again. Invite people into your life.

You need to look out the window and let the world inside. You are lonely and you don't even know it. You think you don't have enough of yourself to spread out any thinner than you already are. You have been here before and you will be here again. Writing is where it is at for you. If you are too tired, too fearful and too stuck in your ruts, WRITE! Send emails, letters, cards and write little notes to those who have made an impact. Write! Write! Write! This is the way out of your small world. It is a beginning.

Judging by the dreams you have been having lately, you are feeling very aware of Mom's mortality. In some ways, you feel like you are "channelling Mom" in the ways you have slowed yourself down, felt overly attached to this house and subconsciously made your world such a small one. I think you are trying to understand exactly what she is feeling by mirroring her world within your own. STOP IT! Stop it right now!! Instead, focus on "who Mom was" when she was the age you are at right now.

When Mom was this age, she was faced with her new reality after Dad's heart attack. He never came home again. I think of Mom when she was going through that time and she was strong. She simply kept taking the next forward step during a time where she must have felt completely in limbo. We marvelled at how young Mom was at age 65 and all the memories her grandchildren had of their very untypical grandma. Yes, Mom was (and still is) a force to be reckoned with. Her family and her home were (and still are) everything to her. Yes, she has slowed down. Yes, her body is starting to wear out. No, she will not live forever. That scares you, doesn't it? Ya, me too.

We don't know what life is going to hand us in between "now" and "five years from now". You simply cannot spend your time focused on that uncertainty. Take the lessons you learned from "loving André" and pay them forward.

• SAVOR THE MOMENT. Always. 
• Make memories, document them. Take pictures, but write. ALWAYS WRITE!
• Let your love shine. Your actions speak louder than words. ACT LOVINGLY.
• Let others know how you feel. SPREAD THE POSITIVE. One positive word goes a long way. 
• You will never regret what you have done. DO ALL YOU ARE CAPABLE OF DOING.

You know where your passions lie. For you, it is writing. Write for yourself. Share what is worth sharing. Just keep writing.

You are at a crossroads right now. Your children are adults and on their way. Some are further down the road than others but never forget how you feel towards your own Mom because that feeling is one you want to nurture with  your own children. We have a good, solid foundation. Just keep building.

You have some amazing friendships and relationships within your world. Don't neglect them. Even when you think you don't have time, you can always make time to send off a note or card or email. Keep those connections alive. They nourish and sustain you.

Take a chance. One chance at a time. You have become a shell of who you used to be. You know it. You are disappointed in yourself right now but this is not the end of your story. Even though (at the moment) you wouldn't care if it was.

Yes, you are tired. You are tired because you are not involved in creating your own story. You are sitting dormant, waiting for life to happen. When "life happens" it is like a slap on the face. You react. You feel indignant. You recoil then rebound. You always rebound. How about not waiting for a "slap in the face" this time? You have the power to live life out loud without being slapped into it.

Feed your body, mind and soul with fresh air, good food and positive input.
Walk. START by walking.
Write. Never stop writing. It is where you find your answers, your inspiration and your dreams.
Love. Open your heart up and take a chance again.

I want to read these words in four and a half years and say "YES! YES!! and YES!!!". I did it. I made changes. I pushed myself out of that rut and into a new and improved one. Most of all I want you to believe "Life does go on regardless of how you live it. Live it well!"

See you in the future my weary friend. You have everything you need inside of you. And if it isn't inside of you, it is here within your home, your heart and those who touch your world. Stay connected, my friend. Stop, look, listen with your heart. You will find your way. You aren't lost. You just haven't found the right highway yet.

You will find your Field of Dreams, my friend. "If you build it, they will come" ...

To be continued.

A Baby!!!

My aunt called out to me, "Those magpies are after the rabbit under the picnic table". My aunt knows how much I adore rabbits so I was expecting to see a full grown rabbit and an interaction between a rabbit and a bird. I didn't expect to witness what was unfolding before us.

Six magpies had cornered and surrounded a tiny baby rabbit under a picnic table. This feisty little rabbit was rearing up on its haunches in an attempt to scare off its attackers. 

We assessed the situation for a minute before I went out to shoo off the magpies. They were quite determined to continue the pursuit of this defenseless little rabbit and I actually had to circle the table before all six of them flew away.

I knelt down and talked to the baby rabbit in what I hoped it would understand as a friendly tone. I made quiet little sounds and tried to convince the baby I was not going to hurt it. I picked up some dandelion leaves and extended my hand toward the little rabbit and it approached me.

I thought my heart may explode with glee. This baby was coming to me! 

As soon as it got to my hand, it made little rabbit growling sounds and scratched my fingers with its front paws. It was not interested in the dandelion leaves I had offered. It was determined to show me who was boss and I respected this fierce little bunny warrior's stance.

I should have quietly backed away and left this little critter alone but my joy of not only seeing a baby rabbit but actually having it approach me and touch me captivated my attention. So I stayed.

My aunt's apartment is not the only one in this complex that faces this park setting. The moment I looked up and away from the rabbit was when I realized one of my aunt's neighbors was standing right behind me, taking a picture of this baby. I walked away from the scene and another neighbor told me this baby had been spotted by others earlier in the day. We wondered where its mother was and we just wanted this baby to feel safe and protected.

I was feeling a tad melancholy before the baby rabbit encounter. My heart was not in my day and I truly just wanted to be home tending to my own little world. I was having a hard time being away from home when my aunt called my attention to the little miracle hidden within a regular ordinary day.

In the millisecond it took for that baby rabbit to approach me, I felt I was living my dream. One day, I sat at this very computer and wrote of Setting Intentions. Number one on the list is: "Tame a wild rabbit or two".

Nature. Lost in the moment. Feeling the touch of a baby rabbit. The world beyond the baby rabbit and me did not exist in that moment. I was lost. Lost in my field of dreams. I didn't build it. But I did imagine it. If you imagine it, you will recognize it when it comes.

May you find amazement in one small moment today. A moment that takes your breath away.

Life on Repeat

I recently read that people who tend to watch reruns of the same shows over and over again are people who like predictability in their lives. As one who watches reruns of my favorite shows on a regular basis, I tend to believe they are right.

Netflix is the answer to my childhood dream. As a child, I remember the feeling of loss at the end of watching Bewitched, my favorite half hour sitcom. I wished there was a way I could watch it over again and again. I hated having to wait an entire week for the next episode. As a teen, I remember taping Sonny & Cher on my audio tape recorder long before VCR's were invented. Just so I could listen to what I just heard. Over and over.

As a young adult, I thought I was living the dream when I could video tape my favorite shows on TV, fast forward through commercials and rewatch the tape whenever I chose. I started collecting my own series of shows. DVD box sets of TV series were yet another dream come true. Then came Netflix and all the video streaming options that are readily available.

These days, we have anything and everything we could ever want to watch readily available, any time of the day or night, every day of the week. Remember when the TV stations shut down for the night and the standard "test pattern" was all that aired until the next morning? No music. No diversion. If anything at all, there may have been the sound of static that accompanied the pattern. Or was it a high pitched squeal? 

Oh, the creature comforts we have come to know and expect. TV on demand. 24/7. No need to wait a week until the next new episode if you happen to find a new-to-you series on any one of the streaming networks. 

 Streaming, repetitive viewing, movie or television series marathons of sedentary, mindless entertainment. Not only is anything you could ever hope to watch always "on tap", there is no lapse of memory between episodes because you just watched it a few minutes ago.

Yes, I love that I have found an oasis of predictability within this highly unpredictable world of ours. I anticipate losing myself in the world of whatever television series of the moment I happen to be watching. I am comforted by the knowledge I can watch what I want to watch when I want to watch it. If I fall asleep, I don't lose a thing. I just rewind, restart and rewatch what I missed. 

Some people smoke. Others drink. There are many drugs of choice that people lean into when the going gets rough. Me? I like to tune into wherever I last left off in Grey's Anatomy. You have no idea how excited I was to find Private Practice (Grey's Anatomy spin off series) offered on Amazon Prime...

Spin offs. My childhood dreams dared not anticipate some of my favorite characters branching off into a series of their own. 

Life just keeps getting better and better. And smaller and smaller, as I retreat into the mindless, predictable world of all my favorite TV series on repeat.

I'm living in my Field of Dreams. Over and over and over again.

P.S. I may be isolating just a tad too much. Not that there's anything wrong with that!

Energizing

After waking up to a weariness which made me feel powerless, I have taken steps to empower myself.

#1 - I made a date with myself last night. I bought tickets to a movie I wanted to see before I stepped out the door yesterday morning. Had I not done so, I wouldn't have followed through. I'm so glad I did.

Staying out two hours beyond my normal home time depletes me. Staying out in order to do something that in no way resembled an errand and felt fun and frivolous was a completely different sensation.

I chose the movie, didn't concern myself with anyone else's enjoyment except for my own, I indulged in a snack and I laughed out loud. Sitting in a theatre on my own, I laughed out loud. 

Laughter defines success. My first "Artist's Date" (as per Julia Cameron's suggestion) was a win.

#2 - I wrote my morning pages this morning. It was hard. My coffee was ready and I so dearly wanted to watch for our neighborhood rabbits. But I woke up with words that needed to be silenced. So I grabbed my pen, wrote whatever my heart dictated, tried to imagine what I would wish for should a fairy godmother grant me one wish ... and I didn't know. 

I wrote in and around and through my thoughts. "What do you want? What is the answer?" rolled around and around and around the page. I don't know. But it felt good to purge my thoughts. Putting pen to paper is usually the beginning to finding an answer. I began.

#3 - I colored my hair. Vanity swoops in for the win. My roots were getting to me. Coloring my hair was ONE thing I could control. So I did it. No regrets.

#4 - After I was well on my way to completing all of my hard things this morning, I gazed out the window and spotted two frisky rabbits taking their last run in the safety of the day that was dawning. I believe they were frantically looking for a good hiding spot for the day. These energized rabbits brought joy to the moment and felt like my reward for doing what had to be done.

My weariness is originating from feeling powerless. It felt good to take control of doing what I needed to do to bring myself back up to a place where I have something to offer.

Filling myself up + doing what is within my control + spotting rabbits = a boost of energy to get me through the day. Now the secret is to do this all over again tomorrow.

What fills you up and energizes you? Look for it and it may come ... create your own Field of Dreams.

Happy

What IS "happy"? I am coming to think of the word happy as a verb. Kind of like the word "love". I prefer to think of both of these words as action words. It feels easier to attain these goals when one thinks of them in the form of a result of one's own actions.

Why do I write this today? Because when it came to titling this post after a long period of silence, "Happy" is the word that came to mind. Not necessarily as a state of mind but as a result of fulfilling something inside of myself that resulted in a state of happiness.

I have often thought our home was so much more than a house. I feel grounded here. I loved what my daycaring years taught me about earning an income from under this very roof. I felt every square inch of our house, garage, playhouse and yard were being utilized. Our home was filled with living, breathing, energetic individuals. This created a state of confusion and chaos at times but all in all, there was a feeling of fulfillment. A feeling that "this is where I am meant to be". No matter what the day had in store, I had the resources to wade through the waves because I was home. I was grounded.

The past three years have had me working outside of our home. It has been challenging but knowing I have this little oasis here on earth awaiting me at the end of my days and weeks makes all things bearable. I am grateful for this place I call home. The tranquility. The state of normal which is routine and predictable. It is my soft place to land. It sustains me.

I have tossed out offers of sharing our home with those who have been in a state of change. We have lots of room. It is peaceful here. You are welcome.

I have made the offer and other than what I think of as my "regular" house guests, no one has taken me up on this offer.

Finally, someone answered "Yes".

This "yes" was multiplied by a number of other guests for one night. My inn was full. Each and every bedroom and spare bed within our home was utilized. Our walls felt happy. These walls were filled with family, friendship, laughter, comfort and joy.

Thankfully one guest stayed on. Our home was available at exactly the right time and place.

It felt absolutely right to offer our home and I was grateful to have one small thing to offer to someone going through a time of uncertainty. A soft place to land.

"If you build it ... they will come" ~ Field of Dreams

It is happening. It may be small. But it is right. I am living in my field of dreams ...

Company's Coming!

Something deep within me has shifted. The upcoming week is full of commitments, people, company coming AND I am a little bit excited despite it all.

Rewind the tape to a time not so long ago when plans were made and I dutifully carried them out. Each step along the way was slightly less excruciating than the one that preceded it. I would follow through, complete my mission, come home and gather my energy for the next hard thing.

This is not unusual for me. I don't like leaving home. Normally I go through the process alone, finding the simplest of decisions inexplicably hard. I don't know what to pack. Whether or not I need to bring a pillow. What if the house burns down while I'm away? What if I don't make it back? Is everything in order?

This is normal for me. I have gone through this process in a slightly less feverish approach for most of my adult life. The "what ifs" bog me down but they start to lighten the moment I'm on my way to somewhere.

Somewhere may be work, an outing with a friend, a short getaway or a more extensive holiday-like destination. The place between "leaving home" and "heading somewhere" is uncomfortable. I go through my processes and to date, I have always come out the other side of the experience intact and grateful for the experience.

It became worrisome to me when issuing invitations into our home started to carry some of the same burden. I become obsessive about cat hair, cleanliness, organization and would over think most every aspect of pending company.

There is one caveat. Outings, gatherings, invitations and conversations involving my own family sustained me. These encounters felt like pure oxygen and breathed life back into me.

Family is coming. Each and every one of my guest rooms will be utilized. I have a guest who will be staying for a longer period and I have gone into full-on hostess mode.

I want to provide little touches, things I appreciate when I'm away from home and distracted by things beyond my control. I want my guest to arrive and not have to worry about a thing.

I went about my weekend preparing for the week ahead of me. I have created a home away from home for my guests and I am just a little bit excited for things to fall into place. Undoubtedly, I will have forgotten something. I always do. But the state of becoming prepared for a week such as this has filled me up and oxygenated me.

I have three spare bedrooms. I have created a little oasis where I put myself in my guests' shoes and have tried to anticipate the small little comforts to make our home feel like theirs. Our home feels happy and open to all that will unfold within these walls.

"If you create it, they will come ..." It feels like I'm in my Field of Dreams again.

What Dreams Will Come?

My dream gene is malfunctioning and it is playing havoc with the side of me I most enjoy being. I love when the possibilities of a dream diverts my attention from the day-to-day world I live in.

I could go back and try to figure out the why, when and how I have come to this state but it is not important to know how I got here. The key is how do I find my way above and beyond this life numbing state?

I started rambling about my dreams as I wrote my morning pages. I couldn't use the word "dream". The word paralyzed my thoughts. Once I wrote "Wish List", the list appeared.

I don't have a dream to "become" anyone more than I am in this very moment. I am who I need to be to get through my days. My work does not define who I am but it does define my days. To wish for anything to change is to wish for things which will spiral out of my control and make me long for "today". Work is what it is. And that has to be okay.

It is my after-hours-self that needs to jump out of her rut. Just a little. I need to reroute my off-the-clock thoughts into something that inspires me.

Dreams seem too elusive and far away. Wishes are a start. Unfortunately my wishes are things of material value.

#1 wish - a car that will get me through the winter. Either getting my existing car up to snuff or an excellent used car that is not going to gobble up money on repairs and maintenance to get it to the state of trust I have with my existing car.

Tied for #1 - is the desire to pay off the money I borrowed to paint our house. These funds I owe feel daunting. I need to get control of my finances after a very heavy spending year. Thus, I believe I need to do what it takes to get my existing car through the winter. [oh, how I wish I worked from home right about now as this would relieve the pressure of the "reliable car" factor]

#2 - shelving for Mom's books. This is attainable. I just need to make a plan (and get that loan paid off before I feel free to spend the money). Book shelves; floating shelves; hang pictures; make the den a usable space. Right now it is simply a room with a closed door. I utilize so very little of our home these days [oh, how I wish I worked out of our home right about now - I would have the need for a defined office space and that would reroute my thoughts on what is necessary to make that happen]

#3 & 4 - bathrooms. I would start downstairs because the plumbing down there is a concern to me. Start at the bottom and work up. Having a 3 piece bathroom downstairs would do one of two things - I would move my room back downstairs again, leaving one room upstairs as available office space; or we would have the ability to take in a border [oh, how I wish I worked from home as this would more clearly define a purpose behind my desire to update our downstairs bathroom - the ONE thing Mom said should be the first thing I should get done]

#5 - durable flooring for the laundry room and a compact easy to access space for clothes to hang to dry. That one sounds easy enough and I don't think it would break the bank either. I have simply always wanted a bright, clean and organized laundry room. It is that simple. No need to wish I worked from home to add that to my wish list

#6 - a quick "spiff" of the remaining space downstairs. The playroom from my daycare days; the room without a name or purpose in our current life; a space that could easily be defined as a living space if there was more than two of us living in this massive home. [this space could become an office if I worked from home]

My wish list has revealed my dream. My dream is to work out of my home. I knew this three years ago, when I closed my daycare. I knew that the secret to creating a life where I was semi-sorta retired meant that our home had to work for me. Renting out a floor? Working from home? There must be more possibilities than those two. I need to reactivate my dream gene and open myself up to the possibilities I have not yet thought of.

If I build it, it will come. Perhaps this is where my wish list is leading. It is leading me down the road of possibilities. If I build it, what dreams will come?

If You Share It ... They Will Come

The essence of "The Field of Dreams" runs rampant through my life. I hear the words "If you build it, they will come" whisper through my subconscious thoughts when I find myself in a position to share whatever it may be that I have to offer.

I took a detour as I searched my blog with "Field of Dreams" and took an enjoyable walk down memory lane as I scanned through several previous posts supporting the theory that I just may be dreaming up this life of mine. If I dream something up, "they" very often come.

My most recent revelation is not quite so deep. It stems from the excessive amount of groceries I bought for a family gathering of "twenty". I bought enough groceries to feed double that amount. I felt an incredible amount of angst as I gazed into the fridge and saw all the perishable food that had to be consumed.

I immediately started issuing invitations.

I fed five for supper the following day and sent a bag of fresh vegetables home with one. The day after that, my aunt ended up with unexpected supper guests. "Let's go for a drive!" I said and we came back here to pick up enough to feed four. I bought potato salad that came highly recommended by a friend, so I shared it with that friend and fed one more. My son has been eating very well this week and my lunches have consisted of more than granola bars. The excess has been reduced to an amount that can easily be consumed before the "best before" date.

The panic I felt as I gazed upon the excessive amount of groceries has given extra life to one invitation I issued to many. The excess has given me the gift of prolonging the gift of family, invitations and the opportunity to live in my field of dreams again. If I share it ... they will come.

Amazing things can happen when a door is opened for others to walk into whatever you may have to offer. It can be as simple as a cold glass of water on a hot day or time to share with someone who needs a shoulder to lean on.

If you open yourself up to allow people into your world, you too could be living in your field of dreams.

I Cooked It (but they didn't come)

"If I make it, they will come..." 

This is a refrain that often chants through my thoughts when I have an extraordinarily ambitious burst of energy and make a family favorite dish. Yesterday was such a day.

I was sitting here alone in my own little world and I was quite certain we would have supper guests. My taste buds were set on barbequed hamburgers. The only problem with that, is I'm pretty sure our barbeque burner has cooked its last burger:

Being the very brave soul that I was, I went shopping for a replacement burner. As I made my way to the store, I decided if I could fix the barbeque I would make a potato salad to go with our burgers. Another salad to go with that, a beverage of our choosing and we would have a perfect summer meal. My youngest son will be 21 in a few days so we could call it a birthday supper and it would be perfect. 

I could smell the burgers cooking, I could hear the easy conversation over supper, I could feel the joy ... if I cook it, they will come whispered through my thoughts.

Well, the replacement burner didn't come with the screws it promised so I had to make my way back to the store to exchange it. While I was standing in line at the customer service counter, I missed a call from my son telling me they were stopping at A & W. We arrived back home at exactly the same time. My sons, with burgers (already made); me, with a barbeque part (assembly required) and uncooked burgers in the fridge.

We ate the A & W burgers. They were so good. We were all hungry and they hit the spot. "Well, you'll just have to stay for a late supper, I added. We can have hot dogs and potato salad," I promised.

The day was long and appetites were satisfied, so supper didn't come. "Lunch tomorrow, then!", I called out as I said my good-byes to my son.

The jury is still out on whether we will be able to use the barbeque (neither my son nor I felt qualified for the feat and after watching a few YouTube videos, I'm still uncertain), but I'm itching to grill the burgers I bought yesterday so I'm still hoping my "Field of Dreams" attitude will result in sharing a meal. 

If I cook it, they usually come. If they don't, I guess I can take my potato salad to work and share it with others. My dream will still be fulfilled.

Turning Down the Connections

I attempted to take a mini-break from technology this past weekend so my promise (to myself) to blog regularly suffered in the wake of my weekend off. Nothing stopped me from grabbing a pen and paper to write regardless of my Internet disconnection, except for a lack of words. Writing without purpose is equivalent to speaking when you have nothing to say. Perhaps I should take a break more often.

Instead of wasting a day on the computer, I opened a book. Actually two books. I read. All day. It was wonderful. I think I need to do this more regularly, to regain a longer attention span. The computer, the Internet, social media and the instant communication devices we have in our possession these days have resulted in my attention span being equivalent to that of a gnat. My thoughts flit, flop and fly away. I can't hold onto what I was thinking a moment ago and little things are escaping me on a regular basis. Something has to change.

Reading is more time consuming than playing on the computer but I believe it is a better investment of time. Yes, I could (and did) put my book down at any point of the day but I was reading a book that completely captivated my interest and I had no desire leave the story that was unfolding before me.

My enjoyment of the day I was living resulted in me turning down an invitation I had time to over-think. I know I should have accepted the invitation for what it was and simply showed up. The more I lost myself in my day, my book and the moment I was in, the less desire I had to pry myself out of the house and interject myself in an uncomfortable social setting. I took the easy way out. I backed myself out of the commitment and stayed home.

I much prefer my invitations to be of the "Want to meet for lunch in half an hour?" variety. Which I received on the second day of the weekend.

As much as I was enjoying my second book, I hesitated but a moment to get dressed and join the day in progress. No time to over-think. No time to even think. Just go with the moment. It is my favorite way to go.

This was followed by another small request which was just as easy to say "yes". "I'm on my way over, would you mind if I came for supper ...". The mantra "If I cook it, they will come" ran through my thoughts as I easily said "yes" and turned the oven a little higher to speed up the cooking process.

My guest had one final request - a cup of coffee. Caffeinated. Who am I to let someone caffeinate on their own!? So I had a jolt of energy late in the day which resulted in the ambition, motivation and desire to mow the lawn once I was home alone again.

I didn't quite turn "off" my technological devices. I simply turned them down. I sat still with my thoughts and in the aftermath of the weekend I do have a few words which have accumulated in my word bank. I'll be back ...

Movin' on Up

Well. I did it. I moved my bedroom back upstairs yesterday. Just in case I had any second thoughts, I moved every little thing. No trial run. I have moved back up.

Nothing feels quite right yet but I'm not giving up too quickly. It is time to peek my head upstairs and enjoy waking up to the sun.

I didn't wind down as easily. I didn't sleep well. But I did wake up and get up at an earlier than usual weekend waking time.

I vacuumed every nook and cranny of my old bedroom. I vacuumed and flipped the mattress then washed all the bedding. Other than a few items on the desk and a box of Kleenex, the room is completely vacated.

As I vacuumed the weekend away (the cat hair sagas continue), I was hopeful "if I cleaned it, they would come". And they did. Then they stayed for supper too.

As I emptied our (now) spare bedroom "suite", I remembered how I felt when I cleaned out the house as my daycare days wound down to a close. I felt like I was making room for change ...

I just searched the archives of my blog and found what I wrote back in October, 2016:

When the clutter and excess are gone, the dressers and closets emptied of everything that is not essential what will be left? How much can I simplify this life of ours over the course of the next three months? How far can I go? And what am I making room for?

There is not one thing whispering in my ear telling me the answers I am seeking. I just keep looking within these walls of ours and hear "Purge and release"and "Make room for change". If I empty it, they will come ...

I'm living in "The Field House of Dreams". I don't know where I'm going but I know what I must do next. That is enough for now.

True to the cycles of my life, I have been here before. I have felt this way before. The story of my life keeps repeating itself.

"What am I making room for?", I wonder quietly to myself as I vacated my most heavenly oasis of a bedroom. Perhaps? I'm making room for "me". Room to expand my horizons so I live a life that exists after I come home at the end of my work day.

I am so used to falling asleep at the drop of a pin, I thought it was odd that I didn't drop off so easily last night. Maybe, just maybe I am finding my way back to a new and improved normal. Maybe ...

A Most Excellent Weekend

It has been a most excellent weekend. I had few expectations but I was full of hope that it would be easy, relaxed and sprinkled with laughter. As soon as my siblings started to arrive, I knew I would not be disappointed.

We reminisced about how often we have gotten together in the past, in and around April or May. Income tax time, Easter, Mom's birthday and/or Mother's Day have been a reason for Mom to come here, for us to travel out to Mom's or meet Mom and our brother at a midway point for lunch or an overnight stay.

It felt perfect to get together at this time of year. Spring is in the air, travelling is easy and it had been a while since our last sibling visit.

In the past, Mom has been the focus of many of our visits and conversations. The past few years have been heavy. We carried the weight of our worries together and I believe the years brought us closer than ever.

Mom was not the purpose of our visit this time. Yes, we chose a comfortable and familiar time of year to unite but there was no agenda. We came together as family and visited like old friends.

Our conversations bounced all over the map. Past, present and future. It felt so easy to sit among family, talk like best friends, reminisce, catch up and dare to look beyond the moment.

I haven't hosted a family gathering for a while. I felt nervous, out of practise and uncertain how the flow of our newly renovated home would translate into a sibling sleepover. It worked very well. So well, in fact, that I found myself readying the house for my next round of guests (whoever they may be).

If I wash the sheets, they will come...

Writing to Myself - A Letter I Found Two Years Early

I searched my blog for a good "Pringles" story to find a quote for a previous post and I came upon this letter to my 60 year old self. I wrote this when I was 55 years old. I am 58 years old now and I'm reading it two years before my 60 year old self was to find it. Two months after this was written, I set the wheels of change in motion. It has been a process that has led me to this very day.

SATURDAY, JUNE 4, 2016

Letter to Self (from a Sixty Year Old Me)

Dear Fifty Five Year Old You,

I am writing this letter to you four and a half years in advance of you turning sixty years old. I am writing it to you this morning because I'm a little disgusted and disappointed in "55 Year Old You" and I think you need a good talking to. This may not be pretty. You have been warned.

I am very disappointed in you lately. If I didn't know who you were and where you have been, I would call you a "quitter". Heavens, I can't even call you a quitter because lately you have been too afraid, paralyzed &/or lazy to even start anything.

I know, I know. Once you start, you feel committed. Once you feel committed to something, you start beating yourself up. Relentlessly. You think you can't start something because you don't have a whole big chunk of time to devote to the job. So you don't start anything.

This has got to end. You know that. You know the answer is to simply take small bites out of big jobs and whittle away at them. You know this! Why aren't you acting on it? I know, I know!  You are tired. Your daycare days are long. Your weekends are short. How can you do "big things" when you have so little left over at the end of the day?

If you keep this up, by the time you hit the age of sixty you will want to abandon this ship and this home you have created because there is always "too much to do". Isn't this home everything you ever wanted? Hasn't this house enabled you to work from home and adapted to whatever you wanted it to do for you? Hasn't the ability to pay "interest only" on your mortgage allowed you to pay your bills, live a comfortable life and given you more financial freedom than renting an apartment could ever afford you?

This house is so much more than a roof over your head. It sustains you. It shelters you from the harsh elements of life in so many ways more than the weather. Respect it, take care of it, pamper it a little from time to time and it will continue to be there for you. And please, please, please try to pay it off!

Speaking of houses, I have no idea why I started this rant about "where you are" and "where I want you to go" with the house. I should have started with this body that is going to carry us from Point A to Point B. If I think you've let the house that shelters us go to pot, what in the world do you think I think about the way you are treating our body? How in the world is this vessel going to weather stormy weather if you don't smarten up and take better care of it?

As it is with the house, it is with our body. Start small. Rome wasn't built in a day. Fifteen minutes isn't long. Start there. Fifteen minutes of extra curricular movement. Yes, I know you think your daycare life is keeping you from turning to stone. But it isn't challenging you. You need to stretch and move and lift and get your heart pumping faster. You know this. But you aren't doing anything about it.

Start with an early morning walk. Rain or shine or sleet or hail. Walk. Just walk! Remember how awesome you felt when you took on those early morning paper routes? Walking the streets of your neighborhood while "the world" slept? You marvelled at the Northern lights, the glistening snow, the sounds of silence and nature. You thought. The words flowed in and out and through you. You came home revitalized, energized and motivated. You loved that time. Skip the paper route, take on the walks. Start there. Add and change things up as you go along. But you must BEGIN. You must. Your life depends upon it.

While I'm at it, you must nourish yourself with good food. What you feed your body fuels your brain and your brain is acting starved lately. Give it some good, solid fuel to work with and you may be amazed that your ability to think, act decisively and "do hard things". This is half the work you thought it was when you were spending your life binge watching the Gilmore Girls on the couch, with a can of Pringles at your side. Replace the Pringles with almonds. Make good meals and you may be amazed that you may fuel the appetite of others. "If you make it they will come."

I've sat back and watched you wither yourself away into a shadow of who you are capable of being. You do not have to do great things at all times but you do need to follow your passions. When you deny yourself the ability to dream big and chase a few of those dreams you become small and your world becomes smaller. You know your world is shrinking. You think you like this feeling right now. I want you to look outside of your smallness and do uncomfortable things again. Invite people into your life.

You need to look out the window and let the world inside. You are lonely and you don't even know it. You think you don't have enough of yourself to spread out any thinner than you already are. You have been here before and you will be here again. Writing is where it is at for you. If you are too tired, too fearful and too stuck in your ruts, WRITE! Send emails, letters, cards and write little notes to those who have made an impact. Write! Write! Write! This is the way out of your small world. It is a beginning.

Judging by the dreams you have been having lately, you are feeling very aware of Mom's mortality. In some ways, you feel like you are "channelling Mom" in the ways you have slowed yourself down, felt overly attached to this house and subconsciously made your world such a small one. I think you are trying to understand exactly what she is feeling by mirroring her world within your own. STOP IT! Stop it right now!! Instead, focus on "who Mom was" when she was the age you are at right now.

When Mom was this age, she was faced with her new reality after Dad's heart attack. He never came home again. I think of Mom when she was going through that time and she was strong. She simply kept taking the next forward step during a time where she must have felt completely in limbo. We marvelled at how young Mom was at age 65 and all the memories her grandchildren had of their very untypical grandma. Yes, Mom was (and still is) a force to be reckoned with. Her family and her home were (and still are) everything to her. Yes, she has slowed down. Yes, her body is starting to wear out. No, she will not live forever. That scares you, doesn't it? Ya, me too.

We don't know what life is going to hand us in between "now" and "five years from now". You simply cannot spend your time focused on that uncertainty. Take the lessons you learned from "loving André" and pay them forward.

• SAVOR THE MOMENT. Always. 
• Make memories, document them. Take pictures, but write. ALWAYS WRITE!
• Let your love shine. Your actions speak louder than words. ACT LOVINGLY.
• Let others know how you feel. SPREAD THE POSITIVE. One positive word goes a long way. 
• You will never regret what you have done. DO ALL YOU ARE CAPABLE OF DOING.

You know where your passions lie. For you, it is writing. Write for yourself. Share what is worth sharing. Just keep writing.

You are at a crossroads right now. Your children are adults and on their way. Some are further down the road than others but never forget how you feel towards your own Mom because that feeling is one you want to nurture with  your own children. We have a good, solid foundation. Just keep building.

You have some amazing friendships and relationships within your world. Don't neglect them. Even when you think you don't have time, you can always make time to send off a note or card or email. Keep those connections alive. They nourish and sustain you.

Take a chance. One chance at a time. You have become a shell of who you used to be. You know it. You are disappointed in yourself right now but this is not the end of your story. Even though (at the moment) you wouldn't care if it was.

Yes, you are tired. You are tired because you are not involved in creating your own story. You are sitting dormant, waiting for life to happen. When "life happens" it is like a slap on the face. You react. You feel indignant. You recoil then rebound. You always rebound. How about not waiting for a "slap in the face" this time? You have the power to live life out loud without being slapped into it.

Feed your body, mind and soul with fresh air, good food and positive input.
Walk. START by walking.
Write. Never stop writing. It is where you find your answers, your inspiration and your dreams.
Love. Open your heart up and take a chance again.

I want to read these words in four and a half years and say "YES! YES!! and YES!!!". I did it. I made changes. I pushed myself out of that rut and into a new and improved one. Most of all I want you to believe "Life does go on regardless of how you live it. Live it well!"

See you in the future my weary friend. You have everything you need inside of you. And if it isn't inside of you, it is here within your home, your heart and those who touch your world. Stay connected, my friend. Stop, look, listen with your heart. You will find your way. You aren't lost. You just haven't found the right highway yet.

You will find your Field of Dreams, my friend. "If you build it, they will come" ...

To be continued.

The Planets Have Aligned

I have set the wheels in motion. I am starting a new project. I'm calling it Home and Life Renovation - Phase I

I have ordered flooring for the entire main floor of our home. My Wise Son advised me that while the rooms were already empty, this would be a perfect time to paint. And change the baseboards. And door mouldings. And ... I cannot even begin to fathom where this story will end.

What I DO see, is a vision of turning what was once a daycare home into a warm and inviting family home again. It is still a home with cats so furnishings will remain until said felines no longer shed hair on this earth.

I can VISUALIZE a space where I can sit, be still and feel the contentment that comes from having our home reflect the life I am presently living.

I foresee a time where I start inviting life back into our home. My fortress of solitude will become a space I WANT to share.

I can FEEL the energy starting to resurface. I have a plan. I will move forward from here. I must move forward from this point. I am committed to this plan.

I know this will feel overwhelming. I know I will be frustrated with time and energy limitations. I know this is the biggest renovation project I have undertaken to date.

I also know ... I am not alone. My son has offered his assistance. He not only has a full time job and is taking on two on-line courses but he lives an hour away and has his own home, relationship and herd of cats to tend.

I am beyond fortunate to not only have his offer of assistance but his gentle nudge, opinion and nod of approval as needed. I will not abuse this gift.

The planets are literally aligning and saying "This is a magical chapter so use this cosmic flow ..."

Photo/quote credit to: Alex Myles

"Dream big & know - the Universe is supporting you." Who am I to argue with that logic?

If I build it ... (I'm living in my Field of Dreams again)

One Hard Thing Leads to Another

Yesterday had the power to be like every other day which has proceeded it. I could have so very easily have frittered away another afternoon. In fact, as I sit here fighting the waves of exhaustion this morning I am wondering why I felt the need to add "hard things" into my life when things were going so well before. But ...

And there IS a "but" ...

I did all the things a procrastinator does to avoid the job at hand. I did all that. And I still had three uncommitted hours at my disposal. So I started.

I didn't get knee deep in the culling process of ridding myself of the excess. I knew I wouldn't be able to get back to the project of decluttering, disposing and organizing any time this week. So I simply began putting "like things together" so I can deal with them at a later date.

I started collecting all of our linens and bedding together in one closet. I have amassed the collection of income tax papers together in another. I put all my letters to Mom in ONE spot. The onerous task of collecting every book in the house and putting it in one spot was too much to tackle. What I have attempted to do instead, is to begin to create a temporary home for the books so a proper bookcase can be built to store that which remains after all is said and done.

I have emptied one large container in order to fill it up with "everything office related" at a later date. I emptied a dresser. I have collected empty boxes and containers to help sort and organize as I move forward through this process.

I am starting to see the end goal. The REASON I became overwhelmed with the task of going through everything of Mom's that found its way into our home is because I want to create a quiet oasis to read, reflect, sit and wonder within our home. But how do you begin, when that oasis is full to overflowing with "stuff". Important stuff. Mom's stuff ...

As I sorted, organized and physically touched everything that came from Mom's home yesterday, I felt peaceful. The state of feeling overwhelmed was superseded by the sparks of joy as I felt the history of each belonging. I scanned over some of the cards I wrote. I was grateful I said what I said, when I said it. They are worth saving ...

I am emptying "Mom's room" so I can move forward. I have known I wanted a Murphy Bed in that room for years on end. I love having the ability to extend invitations which say "I have three spare bedrooms. Come. Stay. Feel at home here." Yet, I truly want to create a cozy little reading spot within our home. No TV. No cell phones or electronics. Just books. Good light. Perhaps a place to write.

If I build it ...

It Was a Very Good Day

I'm back!!!

It started with an innocent "Do you feel like company?" It resulted in invitations to my sisters and my own little family and a delightful afternoon of visiting, barbequing and simply living in the moment. A person could not have planned or hoped for the day to turn out any better.

It was all very impromptu, last moment, low expectations and (as always, it seems) the weather, everyone's plans and all the little details worked themselves out without so much as a wrinkle.

The potato salad had a few kinks in the process. My vacuum cleaner up and quit on me mere minutes before my company arrived. I forgot about the potatoes sitting in the oven that I had prepared. But it all worked out in the end.

Minor details.

All four of us (Mom's family) gathered together the weekend before Mother's Day. This couldn't and wouldn't have happened next weekend. The weekend before Mother's Day was perfect. We were all together. Spouses and a few of our children joined us. It was a prequel to our up and coming family reunion.

It was light and easy in every sense of the word.

I felt Mom in and around and through me in most every moment as this weekend started to unfold.

My brother was coming and as Mom would often say, "I'll just invite a few people in, so he has other men to visit with".

I decided I could and should prepare a potato salad. Mom taught me all her little tips and tricks on making her potato salad and it is one of the very few (if any) things I make without a recipe. She liked her potato salad a certain way and I wondered if mine would measure up to hers (my sister said it tasted like Mom's ... she is very kind that way).

I bought some pre-formed hamburgers and hoped for the best. The "meat and potatoes" part of the meal was always what Mom focused on. I'm not good with meat, but apparently I can buy a pretty good burger. The meat was a success (thanks to my brother-in-law taking over the role of chief cook and barbequer).

I prepared some oven roasted potatoes. I had them sitting and waiting in the oven. All I had to do was remember to turn them on. I forgot. We snacked on them late last night and had them with scrambled eggs and toast this morning. All was not lost, but Mom would have NEVER forgotten to turn on the potatoes!

We indulged in some alcoholic beverages. Just a few. Only before supper. Mom would not have done that but we enjoy having a drink with each other. So we added our own relaxed flavor to our small gathering.

We ended the meal with coffee and dessert. Again, someone told me the coffee was good (people are far too kind to me - I never quite know if they are teasing, faking or if they are telling me the truth, so there is no need to worry about a comment or compliment going to my head).

It seemed everyone had someone to visit with. The male to female ratio and the personalities of those in attendance were pretty close to ideal.

It was relaxed, easy and it all came together without forethought. It just happened.

Our family was reunited one more time. Just because we could. No obligation to be there. The focus was on the present and future.

Life is moving on. This is good. We will continue to unite and reunite as a family without duty or obligation to be there for each other. We simply enjoy each other's company.

We all parted ways, knowing we will be joining together at our family reunion in a few months.

After Mom died, it was "just the four of us" so very much of the time. Conversations, decisions and dealing with all that Mom left behind was a time for family and family alone. It was a special time and we realized as those days were winding to a close, that we would never have "that" again.

It was hard to let that go but it was necessary.

Our family unit is still united but even more importantly, our circle has easily expanded to welcome and include spouses, children and "the future" into the mix.

Not having a spouse or partner may have made me a little more dependent on family than the rest. My siblings were so sensitive to this fact and made so many allowances for me to lean in a little harder and need a little more. At no time did I feel alone. I knew they were all just a phone call or a visit away.

I don't feel as dependent now. This is important and so very necessary.

I don't know how Mom stood so solidly on her own all of those years. I feel so weak standing here in her shadow. But yesterday? I felt the essence of her slip into my every move and decision. I didn't even realize it as it was happening but I recognized it after the fact.

I subconsciously recreated our "last good day" together. It was a day as close to perfect as I could have ever hoped for. We made a potato salad. It was the last thing we did together. Yesterday, I made "her" salad to share with her family.

And it was good. It was very good (if I do say so myself).

I am starting to live in my Field of Dreams once more. "If you invite them, they will come". And they did! I couldn't be more grateful.

The Dreams are Coming ... (where is my field?)

Life feels overwhelming when you think too hard. I have been trying not to force my thoughts. When I finally relaxed, the right kind of thinking replaced the fear, the anxiety and all the negativity that has been sneaking into my thoughts lately.

The last real conversation I had with Mom, about my "ten year plan", continues to weigh on my mind. 

Life is a fickle thing and we never know what tomorrow may bring, let alone ten years. The mere thought of my need to direct my focus onto "what's next" when my employment situation changes is daunting.

As I headed my car in a westerly direction towards Edmonton last weekend, thoughts wafted in, around and through my mind. 

I keep coming back to the "Oakes Place". A bed and breakfast. A place for reunions to happen. Perhaps a sideline of pampering and a friendly coffee place for the off season. A little oasis in the quiet of the Saskatchewan prairies.

A diamond in the rough. I cannot let go of the idea of wanting to build an investment out of little to nothing. I want to build a future the way my grandpa did. I cannot let go of the fact that the quarter section of land I inherited was bought for $1,000.00 back in 1938. It has been sold for 150 times that amount almost 80 years later. How can I invest in something that will retain its value and (hopefully) appreciate in value that exceeds the cost of living?

Retirement accommodations ... housing that could provide independent living, yet provide one roof which would house areas to promote socializing, quiet reflection, recreation and nourishment. A miniature version of where my aunt lives in a scaled down, small town way.

I don't want my "ten year plan" to include pounding the street to find employment outside of my home. I'm already pushed to my max right now, leaving our home on an (almost) daily basis to earn a living. I'm working for people I know well, I'm doing what I want to do but I don't love doing it. Because I'm not really my own boss. 

I want to recreate the "daycare dream" where my home provided not only shelter and a place to live, but it housed my place of employment. People came to me. I earned a very good living from home. Self employment brought out qualities in me that I never would have found, if I had never worked on my own.

The answer is somewhere within these thoughts. I'm not in a hurry. I have the luxury of not having to rush the process.

I have a feeling I'm already "living the dream". I just have to relax and let the ideas come to me. If I build it ... they will come. My field of dreams may be closer than I know.