After a few anxiety ridden moments this morning, a most excellent day unfolded before me like a perfectly choreographed dance routine.
Everything happened easily. One thing segued easily into the next. I had time to vacuum the house before I left the house this morning and discovered a leaking kitchen faucet in time to call in for help before the weekend officially began.
Visiting was fun, easy, laughter-filled and life affirming.
An unexpected bonus was the addition of one sister and brother-in-law. A last minute invitation worked out like it was meant to be. A sibling + a few uncles and an aunt + a few cousins + an in-law to add some new blood into the dynamic equalled "perfection".
Our departure for home was right on schedule and I arrived right on time to meet up with a friend from my long, forgotten past and two hours (and one very large coffee) passed in no time.
I have no idea how it happens but I have been fortunate to reconnect with people I have known from a few lifetimes ago (she said we haven't seen each other since elementary school) and we pick up from where we last left off (even though neither one of us have a firm idea where exactly that was). This has happened on numerous occasions and I am surprised each and every time.
I live a charmed life. I truly do. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! to whoever may be listening, sensing or be responsible for my good fortune.
One day down, three to go. Every day can't go as perfectly as this one but one is enough to carry me through whatever happens next.
Showing posts with label reunions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label reunions. Show all posts
Friday, July 12, 2019
Monday, May 14, 2018
Invitations
I have frittered away a perfectly good Monday at home, going back in time. I have no idea what triggered my train of thought. But once I was on the track, there was no going back to the present.
For some reason, I started thinking of the potential for our high school to have a 40 year reunion this year. The one and only reunion I have attended was our 35th. It was uncomfortable and sort of icky for a while (until a glass of wine started to take hold), but the best part of that reunion was the junior high school friends I rediscovered as I perused the guest list for friends I hoped I would see.
None of those junior high friends attended the reunion but what happened instead, was a re-unioning of friendships from long ago as I discovered these people via whatever means I had at hand. Facebook messaging led to texting which eventually led to a brunch in one case. A Classmates.com connection resulted in a coffee date in another case. Private messaging conversations in a few others.
I had the idea that re-uniting these junior high school friends the night before any up and coming high school reunion would be a great idea. Each person I know from those days has kept in touch with a few more people from our school. If each friend invited their friends and so on and so forth, it could be an interesting gathering.
But I digress. There is no indication of a 40th reunion in sight. That could change (if I get an invitation in the mail any day soon, I will be convinced I am psychic) but for the moment, I simply thought "we don't need a reunion to keep in touch". So I sent out a few messages.
One friend asked me to pass along a "hello" to a mutual friend. That friend responded immediately with a reciprocating "hello" and a request to ask the first friend to send a "friend request". I felt like a matchmaker! I may have been the catalyst to reuniting some old friends.
This little mini-event made me feel like all things are possible. Maybe we can reunite some school friends after all.
And there went my morning.
For some reason, I started thinking of the potential for our high school to have a 40 year reunion this year. The one and only reunion I have attended was our 35th. It was uncomfortable and sort of icky for a while (until a glass of wine started to take hold), but the best part of that reunion was the junior high school friends I rediscovered as I perused the guest list for friends I hoped I would see.
None of those junior high friends attended the reunion but what happened instead, was a re-unioning of friendships from long ago as I discovered these people via whatever means I had at hand. Facebook messaging led to texting which eventually led to a brunch in one case. A Classmates.com connection resulted in a coffee date in another case. Private messaging conversations in a few others.
I had the idea that re-uniting these junior high school friends the night before any up and coming high school reunion would be a great idea. Each person I know from those days has kept in touch with a few more people from our school. If each friend invited their friends and so on and so forth, it could be an interesting gathering.
But I digress. There is no indication of a 40th reunion in sight. That could change (if I get an invitation in the mail any day soon, I will be convinced I am psychic) but for the moment, I simply thought "we don't need a reunion to keep in touch". So I sent out a few messages.
One friend asked me to pass along a "hello" to a mutual friend. That friend responded immediately with a reciprocating "hello" and a request to ask the first friend to send a "friend request". I felt like a matchmaker! I may have been the catalyst to reuniting some old friends.
This little mini-event made me feel like all things are possible. Maybe we can reunite some school friends after all.
And there went my morning.
My morning reignited a flame within me which has been snuffed out over the course of the past several years.
I have lost my spark, my energy, my drive, my hope and faith that all good things start with an invitation.
I lost the ability to simply say "yes" to life's invitations for a very long while. Recently, I rediscovered the ability to accept an invitation. With conditions, while maintaining boundaries and enabling myself to play it safe while starting to say "yes" to life.
More recently, I issued an invitation. People said "yes". The event came and went and the aftertaste of the day was a good one.
So I have reached out one more time.
It took time. It took courage. It took strength. But most importantly, hope and the faith that "whatever will be, will be" will come of this invitation.
It might work. It might not. There is something important in knowing I tried.
I am regaining not only courage and strength. I am starting to rekindle "faith" once again. I will not fret over what doesn't come to pass. I will celebrate the rebirth of my ability to invite people back into my life again.
Anything is possible, when you simply "ask".
Sunday, May 6, 2018
It Was a Very Good Day
I'm back!!!
It started with an innocent "Do you feel like company?" It resulted in invitations to my sisters and my own little family and a delightful afternoon of visiting, barbequing and simply living in the moment. A person could not have planned or hoped for the day to turn out any better.
It was all very impromptu, last moment, low expectations and (as always, it seems) the weather, everyone's plans and all the little details worked themselves out without so much as a wrinkle.
The potato salad had a few kinks in the process. My vacuum cleaner up and quit on me mere minutes before my company arrived. I forgot about the potatoes sitting in the oven that I had prepared. But it all worked out in the end.
Minor details.
All four of us (Mom's family) gathered together the weekend before Mother's Day. This couldn't and wouldn't have happened next weekend. The weekend before Mother's Day was perfect. We were all together. Spouses and a few of our children joined us. It was a prequel to our up and coming family reunion.
It was light and easy in every sense of the word.
I felt Mom in and around and through me in most every moment as this weekend started to unfold.
My brother was coming and as Mom would often say, "I'll just invite a few people in, so he has other men to visit with".
I decided I could and should prepare a potato salad. Mom taught me all her little tips and tricks on making her potato salad and it is one of the very few (if any) things I make without a recipe. She liked her potato salad a certain way and I wondered if mine would measure up to hers (my sister said it tasted like Mom's ... she is very kind that way).
I bought some pre-formed hamburgers and hoped for the best. The "meat and potatoes" part of the meal was always what Mom focused on. I'm not good with meat, but apparently I can buy a pretty good burger. The meat was a success (thanks to my brother-in-law taking over the role of chief cook and barbequer).
I prepared some oven roasted potatoes. I had them sitting and waiting in the oven. All I had to do was remember to turn them on. I forgot. We snacked on them late last night and had them with scrambled eggs and toast this morning. All was not lost, but Mom would have NEVER forgotten to turn on the potatoes!
We indulged in some alcoholic beverages. Just a few. Only before supper. Mom would not have done that but we enjoy having a drink with each other. So we added our own relaxed flavor to our small gathering.
We ended the meal with coffee and dessert. Again, someone told me the coffee was good (people are far too kind to me - I never quite know if they are teasing, faking or if they are telling me the truth, so there is no need to worry about a comment or compliment going to my head).
It seemed everyone had someone to visit with. The male to female ratio and the personalities of those in attendance were pretty close to ideal.
It was relaxed, easy and it all came together without forethought. It just happened.
Our family was reunited one more time. Just because we could. No obligation to be there. The focus was on the present and future.
Life is moving on. This is good. We will continue to unite and reunite as a family without duty or obligation to be there for each other. We simply enjoy each other's company.
We all parted ways, knowing we will be joining together at our family reunion in a few months.
After Mom died, it was "just the four of us" so very much of the time. Conversations, decisions and dealing with all that Mom left behind was a time for family and family alone. It was a special time and we realized as those days were winding to a close, that we would never have "that" again.
It was hard to let that go but it was necessary.
Our family unit is still united but even more importantly, our circle has easily expanded to welcome and include spouses, children and "the future" into the mix.
Not having a spouse or partner may have made me a little more dependent on family than the rest. My siblings were so sensitive to this fact and made so many allowances for me to lean in a little harder and need a little more. At no time did I feel alone. I knew they were all just a phone call or a visit away.
I don't feel as dependent now. This is important and so very necessary.
I don't know how Mom stood so solidly on her own all of those years. I feel so weak standing here in her shadow. But yesterday? I felt the essence of her slip into my every move and decision. I didn't even realize it as it was happening but I recognized it after the fact.
I subconsciously recreated our "last good day" together. It was a day as close to perfect as I could have ever hoped for. We made a potato salad. It was the last thing we did together. Yesterday, I made "her" salad to share with her family.
And it was good. It was very good (if I do say so myself).
I am starting to live in my Field of Dreams once more. "If you invite them, they will come". And they did! I couldn't be more grateful.
It started with an innocent "Do you feel like company?" It resulted in invitations to my sisters and my own little family and a delightful afternoon of visiting, barbequing and simply living in the moment. A person could not have planned or hoped for the day to turn out any better.
It was all very impromptu, last moment, low expectations and (as always, it seems) the weather, everyone's plans and all the little details worked themselves out without so much as a wrinkle.
The potato salad had a few kinks in the process. My vacuum cleaner up and quit on me mere minutes before my company arrived. I forgot about the potatoes sitting in the oven that I had prepared. But it all worked out in the end.
Minor details.
All four of us (Mom's family) gathered together the weekend before Mother's Day. This couldn't and wouldn't have happened next weekend. The weekend before Mother's Day was perfect. We were all together. Spouses and a few of our children joined us. It was a prequel to our up and coming family reunion.
It was light and easy in every sense of the word.
I felt Mom in and around and through me in most every moment as this weekend started to unfold.
My brother was coming and as Mom would often say, "I'll just invite a few people in, so he has other men to visit with".
I decided I could and should prepare a potato salad. Mom taught me all her little tips and tricks on making her potato salad and it is one of the very few (if any) things I make without a recipe. She liked her potato salad a certain way and I wondered if mine would measure up to hers (my sister said it tasted like Mom's ... she is very kind that way).
I bought some pre-formed hamburgers and hoped for the best. The "meat and potatoes" part of the meal was always what Mom focused on. I'm not good with meat, but apparently I can buy a pretty good burger. The meat was a success (thanks to my brother-in-law taking over the role of chief cook and barbequer).
I prepared some oven roasted potatoes. I had them sitting and waiting in the oven. All I had to do was remember to turn them on. I forgot. We snacked on them late last night and had them with scrambled eggs and toast this morning. All was not lost, but Mom would have NEVER forgotten to turn on the potatoes!
We indulged in some alcoholic beverages. Just a few. Only before supper. Mom would not have done that but we enjoy having a drink with each other. So we added our own relaxed flavor to our small gathering.
We ended the meal with coffee and dessert. Again, someone told me the coffee was good (people are far too kind to me - I never quite know if they are teasing, faking or if they are telling me the truth, so there is no need to worry about a comment or compliment going to my head).
It seemed everyone had someone to visit with. The male to female ratio and the personalities of those in attendance were pretty close to ideal.
It was relaxed, easy and it all came together without forethought. It just happened.
Our family was reunited one more time. Just because we could. No obligation to be there. The focus was on the present and future.
Life is moving on. This is good. We will continue to unite and reunite as a family without duty or obligation to be there for each other. We simply enjoy each other's company.
We all parted ways, knowing we will be joining together at our family reunion in a few months.
After Mom died, it was "just the four of us" so very much of the time. Conversations, decisions and dealing with all that Mom left behind was a time for family and family alone. It was a special time and we realized as those days were winding to a close, that we would never have "that" again.
It was hard to let that go but it was necessary.
Our family unit is still united but even more importantly, our circle has easily expanded to welcome and include spouses, children and "the future" into the mix.
Not having a spouse or partner may have made me a little more dependent on family than the rest. My siblings were so sensitive to this fact and made so many allowances for me to lean in a little harder and need a little more. At no time did I feel alone. I knew they were all just a phone call or a visit away.
I don't feel as dependent now. This is important and so very necessary.
I don't know how Mom stood so solidly on her own all of those years. I feel so weak standing here in her shadow. But yesterday? I felt the essence of her slip into my every move and decision. I didn't even realize it as it was happening but I recognized it after the fact.
I subconsciously recreated our "last good day" together. It was a day as close to perfect as I could have ever hoped for. We made a potato salad. It was the last thing we did together. Yesterday, I made "her" salad to share with her family.
And it was good. It was very good (if I do say so myself).
I am starting to live in my Field of Dreams once more. "If you invite them, they will come". And they did! I couldn't be more grateful.
Monday, July 4, 2016
A Whirlwind Week
It's been a whirlwind of a week and I am very glad to have it all behind me. I just now folded the laundry I put in the washer five mornings ago (then put in the dryer a morning later). I've logged 1,135 kms on our Saskatchewan highways, travelled down gravel roads, sketchy highways and drove down memory lane with my mom. Literally and figuratively.
I listened more than I talked and I still talked too much. I'm not putting myself down when I say that, it is simply that I ran out of words long before the days were done.
My youngest son graduated and it was a privilege and honor to share the day and all the memories with family. My own little "family of four" were all together, my mom wanted to come out for this occasion and my sisters joined the party. It felt a little bit wonderful to spend the day surrounded in family.
Mom spent a full day with me and my daycare crew. Considering she found the ticking of our kitchen clock loud and irritating, a day with four very vocal and busy children felt very long and hard.
We had a full day at our disposal so we drove around and took in a little bit of quiet family visiting. We spotted a moose in a field, a few deer in the ditch and generally took in the beauty of our Saskatchewan landscape, enjoying this summer season of growth and greenery as we made our way down country roads from one destination to the next.
The next day, we drove out to our home town to take in the parade and festivities of their 105th birthday and "Homecoming". For a small town of (I believe I heard this correctly) 195 people, they put on quite a party. There were 700 registered guests and many who didn't "sign in" to be counted. It was quite possible there were about 1,000 former residents and families who gathered. It is a small town with a big heart. It feels very humbling to be a part of such a community.
After one very long, exhausting and busy week I met my brother at the halfway point between our two cities and we got Mom back home safe and sound and (I would imagine) just a small bit exhausted.
Mom is 88 years old and full of vitality and spirit. It was a week that wore me out, pushed me out of all sorts of comfort zones and into a world where I barely had time to recoup from one day before the next was thrust upon me. Yet Mom woke up each morning with a "What's next?" kind of attitude that put me to shame.
I asked her if she knew who may have been the oldest one at our hometown reunion and she answered, "I certainly hope it wasn't me!!" There were some pretty worn out souls who attended our homecoming and Mom certainly didn't look like the oldest. Not by a country mile. But at the age of "88", she could have been. I replied, "But what if you were? I think that would be the greatest compliment you could receive" (as I thought of those who were ailing, in wheel chairs and looking very tired and worn out). Mom may not be as spry as she was even five years ago, but she went where she wanted to go, reminisced with the best of them with her quick wit and smart comebacks.
I really have no desire to live a long, tired life but if I do, I want to be "just like Mom". Too stubborn to let a few little aches and pains be the centre of my conversation and thoughts. I want a mind that is as sharp as hers as she can easily pull out the facts and memories old and new. I would only hope for one minor modification. I hope my brain holds onto the "good stuff" and lets go of that which does not serve me.
I marvelled at the way people act in Mom's presence. At times, it was like the seas parted to make way for Mom to be seated and comfortable. One person even gave up their lunch for her. There was a sense of respect and admiration for this spry, vivacious soul. Mom has always been one who has been small of stature but is large in her presence. She never complains about her health, her lot in life or her circumstances. She is not only who I want to be, in most ways she is also who I want to become.
I listened more than I talked and I still talked too much. I'm not putting myself down when I say that, it is simply that I ran out of words long before the days were done.
My youngest son graduated and it was a privilege and honor to share the day and all the memories with family. My own little "family of four" were all together, my mom wanted to come out for this occasion and my sisters joined the party. It felt a little bit wonderful to spend the day surrounded in family.
Mom spent a full day with me and my daycare crew. Considering she found the ticking of our kitchen clock loud and irritating, a day with four very vocal and busy children felt very long and hard.
We had a full day at our disposal so we drove around and took in a little bit of quiet family visiting. We spotted a moose in a field, a few deer in the ditch and generally took in the beauty of our Saskatchewan landscape, enjoying this summer season of growth and greenery as we made our way down country roads from one destination to the next.
The next day, we drove out to our home town to take in the parade and festivities of their 105th birthday and "Homecoming". For a small town of (I believe I heard this correctly) 195 people, they put on quite a party. There were 700 registered guests and many who didn't "sign in" to be counted. It was quite possible there were about 1,000 former residents and families who gathered. It is a small town with a big heart. It feels very humbling to be a part of such a community.
After one very long, exhausting and busy week I met my brother at the halfway point between our two cities and we got Mom back home safe and sound and (I would imagine) just a small bit exhausted.
Mom is 88 years old and full of vitality and spirit. It was a week that wore me out, pushed me out of all sorts of comfort zones and into a world where I barely had time to recoup from one day before the next was thrust upon me. Yet Mom woke up each morning with a "What's next?" kind of attitude that put me to shame.
I asked her if she knew who may have been the oldest one at our hometown reunion and she answered, "I certainly hope it wasn't me!!" There were some pretty worn out souls who attended our homecoming and Mom certainly didn't look like the oldest. Not by a country mile. But at the age of "88", she could have been. I replied, "But what if you were? I think that would be the greatest compliment you could receive" (as I thought of those who were ailing, in wheel chairs and looking very tired and worn out). Mom may not be as spry as she was even five years ago, but she went where she wanted to go, reminisced with the best of them with her quick wit and smart comebacks.
I really have no desire to live a long, tired life but if I do, I want to be "just like Mom". Too stubborn to let a few little aches and pains be the centre of my conversation and thoughts. I want a mind that is as sharp as hers as she can easily pull out the facts and memories old and new. I would only hope for one minor modification. I hope my brain holds onto the "good stuff" and lets go of that which does not serve me.
I marvelled at the way people act in Mom's presence. At times, it was like the seas parted to make way for Mom to be seated and comfortable. One person even gave up their lunch for her. There was a sense of respect and admiration for this spry, vivacious soul. Mom has always been one who has been small of stature but is large in her presence. She never complains about her health, her lot in life or her circumstances. She is not only who I want to be, in most ways she is also who I want to become.
Monday, July 13, 2015
A Day That Took My Breath Away
Where do I begin? A seed was planted (about) a year and a half ago. It took root and has been growing ever since. This past weekend, it was like a peony plant that suddenly burst into bright technicolor.
On the day of her mother's funeral, one of my cousins gently prodded me and another family member into the idea of planning a family reunion. This past weekend, she told me the idea came from the fact that her mom's side of the family had a reunion every three years. It had been twenty three years since our family had a reunion.
It was time.
Our family has reached the stage where we don't have the excuse of weddings to bring us together in happy times. Two funerals within two months reminded us of how much we enjoyed being together. We were in need of a reason to get together for a happy occasion.
That was this past weekend.
I arrived well after the party started Friday night. By the time I had arrived, supper was long over and everyone was outside enjoying the evening and the easy company of family.
I sat back and took in the view. I felt the energy. I inhaled the moment and it was great. I sat back quietly and thought of how absolutely "right" it felt to be together. Family enjoying family, getting to know family, the new generation getting a taste of the family connections we have been fortunate enough to appreciate as long as I have a memory.
I thought of the "missing generation". Those who are in and around the ages of my own children. Those who didn't choose to come (mostly) because they didn't know anyone.
"How will you get to know people if you don't come?" was one response to that age old feeling I know only too well.
"The word re-union means you are re-uniting with people you know" was one of the missing family member's responses.
From that point onward, I thought of our family reunion as a "family union" and I set out to try to get to know those who I don't know well, better.
I succeeded on some levels. I took the opportunity to talk one-on-one with so many cousins who I have gotten to know on a quick email basis. It was so nice to sit down and enhance some of those quick conversations which led me to "know" I wanted to know that person better.
I talked with second cousins I knew by name only. I had my childhood memory of sitting back and thinking these girls were sooo pretty and nice. I remembered their smiles and the twinkle in their eyes. I had no idea who they really were. I didn't speak in those days. I sat back quietly, watched and absorbed. Suddenly I was greatful for that one small memory because that was the launching pad which I used, to get to know these second cousins just a little bit this past weekend.
I have regrets. There was another family who does not even exist within my childhood memories. More second cousins who I didn't even know by name. Even as I write this, I had to back track to figure out there was the same degree of separation between us. But without that one small childhood memory to use as a catalyst to a conversation, I barely realized who they were and I had no idea what to say.
It is hard to start that conversation. Okay now, who are you and who am I to you? And once we figure that out, where will our conversation go? My only regret is the conversations I didn't have.
Suddenly I was in the shoes of the "missing generation". The generation of second cousins without the childhood memory to launch them into a conversation with someone they not only don't know, but have no memories to connect and unite them, let alone re-unite.
My own children would have been at a gathering of cousinhood with all the "once removed" and "second" and "third" descriptors. I fully understand their hesitation over coming. You kind of "need" your base family group of people-you-know-well to launch you into new and unknown territory.
Re-unioning is an up close and personal set of stories. Unioning is something (I think) we all have a little more trouble with.
There were oh-so-many up close and personal conversations this past weekend. I love re-hearing the words as they waft up to my consciousness as I remember the days past.
Re-unioning is fun and easy. Unioning is akin to starting a new job where you walk in and everyone and everything is a stranger to you.
Re-unioning is like stepping into an old job you know well and running with it. Unioning is learning the ropes but discovering the connections of what-you-already-know and how it applies to all-you-are-learning.
"Blood is thicker than water" is a quote my mom has cited time and time again. It is so true. But I cannot help but think of the relatives I did not get to know this past weekend and I wish I had done better.
It was a wonderful re-union. The new unions? I didn't do so well in that area. It is hard to get to know brand new people in a large setting. It is so busy, so overwhelming and there are so many people to feel like you have the focus required to get to know the one person in front of you when there are about ninety others in your midst.
Yet among all the reunioning and unioning there was one "union" that transpired which was meant to be. It is not my story to tell but it is a story I know well and I feel and care deeply about both parties. They met, they talked and they connected at this reunion.
If for no other reason than that one "union" alone, I classify this reunion a success of all successes.
The sun that set upon our day of great connections and reconnections was a piece of art. It was as if all those who were not with us here on earth said "good night" with the only language they had.
It was a breathtaking sunset on a day that took my breath away.
As I drove home yesterday, I felt like I was raking up the petals of a peony bush which lost its splendor as quickly as it bloomed. There was a crash of disappointment as the weekend wound down and I drove towards "real life" again.
Like the peony that loses its splendor as quickly as it comes, the memory of this past weekend and the deep roots within our family will remain green and vital until it "blooms again" within the renewed connections we have made and will continue to build on as life goes on.
On the day of her mother's funeral, one of my cousins gently prodded me and another family member into the idea of planning a family reunion. This past weekend, she told me the idea came from the fact that her mom's side of the family had a reunion every three years. It had been twenty three years since our family had a reunion.
It was time.
Our family has reached the stage where we don't have the excuse of weddings to bring us together in happy times. Two funerals within two months reminded us of how much we enjoyed being together. We were in need of a reason to get together for a happy occasion.
That was this past weekend.
I arrived well after the party started Friday night. By the time I had arrived, supper was long over and everyone was outside enjoying the evening and the easy company of family.
I sat back and took in the view. I felt the energy. I inhaled the moment and it was great. I sat back quietly and thought of how absolutely "right" it felt to be together. Family enjoying family, getting to know family, the new generation getting a taste of the family connections we have been fortunate enough to appreciate as long as I have a memory.
I thought of the "missing generation". Those who are in and around the ages of my own children. Those who didn't choose to come (mostly) because they didn't know anyone.
"How will you get to know people if you don't come?" was one response to that age old feeling I know only too well.
"The word re-union means you are re-uniting with people you know" was one of the missing family member's responses.
From that point onward, I thought of our family reunion as a "family union" and I set out to try to get to know those who I don't know well, better.
I succeeded on some levels. I took the opportunity to talk one-on-one with so many cousins who I have gotten to know on a quick email basis. It was so nice to sit down and enhance some of those quick conversations which led me to "know" I wanted to know that person better.
I talked with second cousins I knew by name only. I had my childhood memory of sitting back and thinking these girls were sooo pretty and nice. I remembered their smiles and the twinkle in their eyes. I had no idea who they really were. I didn't speak in those days. I sat back quietly, watched and absorbed. Suddenly I was greatful for that one small memory because that was the launching pad which I used, to get to know these second cousins just a little bit this past weekend.
I have regrets. There was another family who does not even exist within my childhood memories. More second cousins who I didn't even know by name. Even as I write this, I had to back track to figure out there was the same degree of separation between us. But without that one small childhood memory to use as a catalyst to a conversation, I barely realized who they were and I had no idea what to say.
It is hard to start that conversation. Okay now, who are you and who am I to you? And once we figure that out, where will our conversation go? My only regret is the conversations I didn't have.
Suddenly I was in the shoes of the "missing generation". The generation of second cousins without the childhood memory to launch them into a conversation with someone they not only don't know, but have no memories to connect and unite them, let alone re-unite.
My own children would have been at a gathering of cousinhood with all the "once removed" and "second" and "third" descriptors. I fully understand their hesitation over coming. You kind of "need" your base family group of people-you-know-well to launch you into new and unknown territory.
Re-unioning is an up close and personal set of stories. Unioning is something (I think) we all have a little more trouble with.
There were oh-so-many up close and personal conversations this past weekend. I love re-hearing the words as they waft up to my consciousness as I remember the days past.
Re-unioning is fun and easy. Unioning is akin to starting a new job where you walk in and everyone and everything is a stranger to you.
Re-unioning is like stepping into an old job you know well and running with it. Unioning is learning the ropes but discovering the connections of what-you-already-know and how it applies to all-you-are-learning.
"Blood is thicker than water" is a quote my mom has cited time and time again. It is so true. But I cannot help but think of the relatives I did not get to know this past weekend and I wish I had done better.
It was a wonderful re-union. The new unions? I didn't do so well in that area. It is hard to get to know brand new people in a large setting. It is so busy, so overwhelming and there are so many people to feel like you have the focus required to get to know the one person in front of you when there are about ninety others in your midst.
Yet among all the reunioning and unioning there was one "union" that transpired which was meant to be. It is not my story to tell but it is a story I know well and I feel and care deeply about both parties. They met, they talked and they connected at this reunion.
If for no other reason than that one "union" alone, I classify this reunion a success of all successes.
The sun that set upon our day of great connections and reconnections was a piece of art. It was as if all those who were not with us here on earth said "good night" with the only language they had.
It was a breathtaking sunset on a day that took my breath away.
As I drove home yesterday, I felt like I was raking up the petals of a peony bush which lost its splendor as quickly as it bloomed. There was a crash of disappointment as the weekend wound down and I drove towards "real life" again.
Like the peony that loses its splendor as quickly as it comes, the memory of this past weekend and the deep roots within our family will remain green and vital until it "blooms again" within the renewed connections we have made and will continue to build on as life goes on.
Tuesday, July 7, 2015
Reigniting the Spark
I am quite looking forward to some "wasted days" sometime in the near future. My mind has been busy tending to the details of life for a few weeks now and it is rather exhausting.
Our family is having another reunion this upcoming weekend and I seem to have volunteered myself to take care of a few things. My challenge is to be done everything I need to do before Mom arrives in two days. Once she is here I need to make my job look as simple as packing a bag and leaving.
Thus, I cannot turn off my brain at the moment.
This is good though. I completely shut down when asked to bake or cook or do anything that resembles my day job.
One of the things the reunion committee needed was someone to come up with games for the kids. "NOT me!!" was all I could think as I felt more doors in my brain slam shut. I cannot volunteer to cook, bake or take care of children when I am off the clock. I can do "all of the above" but please don't expect it of me.
Ask me to do something a tiny bit "creative" and come up with a photo montage of our family and I'm all over that. It doesn't even feel like work.
As I drove home from Mom's a few days ago, my mind was full of thoughts, words and ideas. I came home and actually acted on a few of them.
There don't seem to be enough hours in the day lately. I like feeling like this. I've missed it.
I excel at doing nothing. But I feel better when I am required to tap into my creative juices. Something inside of me has come back to life. The question is, how do I keep this spark alive when I'm not trying to beat a deadline.
Our family is having another reunion this upcoming weekend and I seem to have volunteered myself to take care of a few things. My challenge is to be done everything I need to do before Mom arrives in two days. Once she is here I need to make my job look as simple as packing a bag and leaving.
Thus, I cannot turn off my brain at the moment.
This is good though. I completely shut down when asked to bake or cook or do anything that resembles my day job.
One of the things the reunion committee needed was someone to come up with games for the kids. "NOT me!!" was all I could think as I felt more doors in my brain slam shut. I cannot volunteer to cook, bake or take care of children when I am off the clock. I can do "all of the above" but please don't expect it of me.
Ask me to do something a tiny bit "creative" and come up with a photo montage of our family and I'm all over that. It doesn't even feel like work.
As I drove home from Mom's a few days ago, my mind was full of thoughts, words and ideas. I came home and actually acted on a few of them.
There don't seem to be enough hours in the day lately. I like feeling like this. I've missed it.
I excel at doing nothing. But I feel better when I am required to tap into my creative juices. Something inside of me has come back to life. The question is, how do I keep this spark alive when I'm not trying to beat a deadline.
Monday, December 1, 2014
A Year of Making Memories
I had a blog post sitting in me all day yesterday but I just had 'a few' things to do before I allowed myself the privilege of sitting still with my thoughts and bringing them to life.
I was going to write about how my thoughts were skittering around in my head. From the moment I awoke with the perfect 'theme' for my annual Christmas letter ... to some words that mean 'nothing' but have the potential to mean more-than-they-say ... to realizing it is almost the end of the year which led my thinking to year-end-financial recaps and income tax ... digging through receipts and the calendar for missing tax information led me down a path of reminiscing.
Oh, inside of my head was a wonderful place to be yesterday morning. Thoughts were pinging around in rapid succession and I could barely keep up.
I wrote notes and documented that-which-needed-documenting. As I flipped through the calendar pages, my bank book and my credit card records, the year flashed before my eyes.
I remembered moments. The losses. It has been a Year of Great Loss for almost everyone who touches my world. There are ongoing physical and mental health issues that are still of great concern.
I remember sitting still with those thoughts on so very many occasions. I have walked beside people who have faced devastating losses and I feel for them on so very many levels. But I am not walking in their shoes. So there is still the ability to disconnect and continue on living my merry little life.
The year 2014 was not a year of great adventures or spending or extravagances. It was a year of incredible memories instead.
One cold week in the middle of January, I planned a few adventures. Two out of three came to fruition. The third was preempted by a death in our family.
I attended that funeral and one sentence by one cousin rerouted my year. She suggested something I had been thinking about and not acting upon for quite some time. Someone in our family should plan a family reunion. Why shouldn't that 'someone' be me?
Two weeks later, on the coldest weekend of the winter, I reopened my dad's family's book project. The following Monday, I started making inquiries about a family reunion. The weekend following that coldest weekend of the winter, a plan was formed and reservations were made. We just lived that fantasy a month ago.
The common theme among the family who was able to attend was 'it is good to gather for happy times'. There have been far too many funerals. Not enough celebrations.
I had not even walked out the door from our family reunion and I was already making new plans and inviting others along for the ride.
I got lost in the adventures of 2014 yesterday morning and it was a most wonderful place to be.
I remember sitting down one day last year and writing down the months. There was a name of at least one close friend or family member who had lost a father, a mother, a husband, a wife, a sibling, an aunt or an uncle (and the list goes on) beside each and every month. It would have been so easy to focus on death last year. It was everywhere.
When our own (Mom and Dad's) family gathered for our smaller scale reunion this past summer, Mom said from the onset "I don't want to talk about sickness or death or sadness!" but it was unavoidable. One niece had spent the days prior to our reunion dealing with an urgent health situation, her father-in-law ended up needing emergency surgery as they were making their way to our reunion and my sister's grandchild ended up in ER while we were gathered. We stopped to visit Mom's sister enroute to our reunion. She passed away the following Monday.
We shared a lot of laughs, stories and made memories throughout that weekend gathering despite it all. And that is basically what it is all about, isn't it?
'Life' is going to happen no matter what we do. We cannot hold onto the ones we love forever but while they are living, we can certainly make the most of the time we have.
The year 2014 was one of making memories. It was a year of forging connections with family I used to know by name only, into something 'more'. It was a year of stepping outside of my quiet and comfortable oasis within my head and home and inviting others to join me along my way.
I forecast more of the same for 2015 (more on that after I talk with my sister tonight ... we may have a 'date' to go on a weekend adventure in February if all goes as I hope!!).
I was going to write about how my thoughts were skittering around in my head. From the moment I awoke with the perfect 'theme' for my annual Christmas letter ... to some words that mean 'nothing' but have the potential to mean more-than-they-say ... to realizing it is almost the end of the year which led my thinking to year-end-financial recaps and income tax ... digging through receipts and the calendar for missing tax information led me down a path of reminiscing.
Oh, inside of my head was a wonderful place to be yesterday morning. Thoughts were pinging around in rapid succession and I could barely keep up.
I wrote notes and documented that-which-needed-documenting. As I flipped through the calendar pages, my bank book and my credit card records, the year flashed before my eyes.
I remembered moments. The losses. It has been a Year of Great Loss for almost everyone who touches my world. There are ongoing physical and mental health issues that are still of great concern.
I remember sitting still with those thoughts on so very many occasions. I have walked beside people who have faced devastating losses and I feel for them on so very many levels. But I am not walking in their shoes. So there is still the ability to disconnect and continue on living my merry little life.
The year 2014 was not a year of great adventures or spending or extravagances. It was a year of incredible memories instead.
One cold week in the middle of January, I planned a few adventures. Two out of three came to fruition. The third was preempted by a death in our family.
I attended that funeral and one sentence by one cousin rerouted my year. She suggested something I had been thinking about and not acting upon for quite some time. Someone in our family should plan a family reunion. Why shouldn't that 'someone' be me?
Two weeks later, on the coldest weekend of the winter, I reopened my dad's family's book project. The following Monday, I started making inquiries about a family reunion. The weekend following that coldest weekend of the winter, a plan was formed and reservations were made. We just lived that fantasy a month ago.
The common theme among the family who was able to attend was 'it is good to gather for happy times'. There have been far too many funerals. Not enough celebrations.
I had not even walked out the door from our family reunion and I was already making new plans and inviting others along for the ride.
I got lost in the adventures of 2014 yesterday morning and it was a most wonderful place to be.
I remember sitting down one day last year and writing down the months. There was a name of at least one close friend or family member who had lost a father, a mother, a husband, a wife, a sibling, an aunt or an uncle (and the list goes on) beside each and every month. It would have been so easy to focus on death last year. It was everywhere.
When our own (Mom and Dad's) family gathered for our smaller scale reunion this past summer, Mom said from the onset "I don't want to talk about sickness or death or sadness!" but it was unavoidable. One niece had spent the days prior to our reunion dealing with an urgent health situation, her father-in-law ended up needing emergency surgery as they were making their way to our reunion and my sister's grandchild ended up in ER while we were gathered. We stopped to visit Mom's sister enroute to our reunion. She passed away the following Monday.
We shared a lot of laughs, stories and made memories throughout that weekend gathering despite it all. And that is basically what it is all about, isn't it?
'Life' is going to happen no matter what we do. We cannot hold onto the ones we love forever but while they are living, we can certainly make the most of the time we have.
The year 2014 was one of making memories. It was a year of forging connections with family I used to know by name only, into something 'more'. It was a year of stepping outside of my quiet and comfortable oasis within my head and home and inviting others to join me along my way.
I forecast more of the same for 2015 (more on that after I talk with my sister tonight ... we may have a 'date' to go on a weekend adventure in February if all goes as I hope!!).
Monday, November 24, 2014
Living in a Snow Globe
I have finally stumbled across one of the perks of winter. Hibernation mode!
The weekend forecast for Our Fair City was 'snow'. Lots of it. After a day of light rain on Friday, the snow was scheduled to fall. And it did.
The first thing I did was run out and get groceries Friday night. One can never be too prepared for winter. No, I didn't stock up on junk food like I did last week, but I did get milk and other staples required to get us through the upcoming week.
It was a glorious thing, to wake up Saturday morning and know I had no where to go, nothing to do and no expectations.
I sat down and 'played' with all-things-reunion. All day. I have hundreds of photos and scads of video footage. It took a day, but I believe I have wrapped up our reunion in a nice, neat package to be brought out and enjoyed again and again.
Meanwhile, it snowed. And snowed. And snowed. All day.
Finally I looked up from the computer screen and gazed out into our winter wonderland and realized I would have to shovel that white pixie dust off of the sidewalks and driveway.
I had forewarned my Youngest Son that we would divide and conquer the task at hand. But I decided to 'shovel a path' to the garage (and maybe the deck) first.
It was beautiful outside. Yes, the wind was blowing with great gusto. Yes, it was still snowing. Yes, I was still in my pajamas so I was not dressed to stay out longer than my flimsy night wear (it was just that kind of day) would allow. Yes, it was pitch black outside so none of the neighbors could witness my attire.
I never did get cold.
I shovelled. And shovelled. And shovelled. And shovelled some more. And then even more than that. There was a lot of snow!!
But it was the most blissful place in the world. Outside. Alone. Having a one-on-one with Mother Nature.
It was as if the entire city was hibernating. There was not one foot print in the snow. It was like everyone was waiting until tomorrow to deal with the aftermath of our massive snowfall. Only a few vehicles drove past the house while I was outside.
I felt so alone, yet surrounded in the knowledge that I wasn't. I was just the only one who ventured out at that time of the night to play in the snow.
I didn't look at the clock when I left the house (to shovel a path to the garage). All I know is was after 8:30 p.m. (because I had given Senior Cat his nightly medication). I got back inside at 10:30.
I worked my brain all day and my body 'all' night.
I did everything I did, by choice. Not obligation . I could have just as easily sat and had a 'Cat Day', watching movies. But I didn't.
I immersed myself in memories and had a memorable day. All the while, it was snowing. It was as if I was encased in the beauty of a snow globe. No way in. No way out. But there wasn't a place on earth I would have rather been.
The best part of the day was going to bed that night, knowing the following day was going to be exactly the same.
I did it all over again, but I did it differently. The house is decorated for Christmas and I did some dejunking, dusting and vacuuming along the way.
I like hibernation mode. I like Christmas lights. The benefit of our prolonged darkness is the enjoyment factor of the Christmas lights. I feel twinkly inside when I pad around the house doing everything-I-normally-do, by the light of our Christmas lights.
I feel a little bit of Christmas stirring within my heart. And I think I like it. Most especially these days, because 'shopping from home' has never been easier.
It was a very good weekend for a snowfall.
Thursday, November 6, 2014
Wordless (one could never tell by the following post)
My head is swimming with thoughts but I feel wordless.
Stepping back into life-as-I-know-it has felt a little bit overwhelming and a lot 'okay', but I am longing for quiet.
I want to sift through the thoughts that I barely had time to think over our family reunion weekend. I am so grateful that I don't have the pictures or videos at my fingertips right now because I feel the need to unwrap them quietly, like a gift, and relive the experience in my own way, in my own time.
When (a month ago) I booked myself an extra day off around the November long weekend, it was with absolutely no forethought. I was exhausted when I looked at that lonely Monday sitting in between a Sunday and a Holiday Tuesday and I do believe I swooned. I wanted that day to myself ...
I was granted that day off and I am beyond grateful.
I have done all-that-needs-to-be-done and I have four consecutive days off coming to me soon. Very soon.
I just need to get through this week.
I want to 'balance my books to zero'. I have collected and spent thousands upon thousands of dollars from my family. I know for a fact that every single penny is accounted for. But I have this undying need to balance to zero.
I have added and subtracted and divided and stood on my head to see things from a different perspective. But I cannot come to zero. I am within $10.00 which is close enough. But when I went to look at it again, I think I was up to $15.00 or so.
These little things do not rest within my brain. I have an accountant's mentality when it comes to numbers. There is absolutely no reason that I cannot unravel this mystery.
As I sit and play with my numbers, I cannot seem to make letters form words and words form paragraphs. My words are piling up inside of my head and I have not yet released them. I want to find an outlet for them before they get lost in the clutter of living out my regularly scheduled life.
I just need to get through the next two days. I need to turn off my internal calculator and look at the day that is sitting in front of me. I need to tune out the 'family stuff' (which I have no desire to do) and do the job that is set out before me.
Two more days.
I simply cannot wait to get back 'in the zone' of recalling and writing about my family reunion experience.
It was everything one could ever hope a family reunion to be. Laughter, joy, story-telling and simply feeling like you are a part of something great.
I still sit back and marvel at my grandparents and great-grandparents that I got to know so well as I assembled our family's memories. 'This' ... this feeling of connection and family harmony ... 'this' is what they wanted for us and guided us towards.
'Never lose touch with family' my great-grandmother told my uncle when he stayed with her. He never did....
My thoughts wander off and sit with my uncle as I write those words. He was unable to attend our reunion but he was so present with us despite that fact.
I talked with him yesterday and his voice was tonic for my soul. 'He' was behind me every single step along the way as I collected family memories and then tied it all up neatly with this little family gathering. 'He' was my inspiration, my encouragement, my guiding post, my editor and fact-finder. I am afraid I wore him out.
I am a little lost at sea as my uncle finds his own sea legs again. Maybe that is part of the reason my words are bottled up inside. I'm concerned ...
I cannot wait to submerse myself in memories this upcoming weekend. I am counting on the words flowing out of my fingertips and out of my brain. I need to put all of this together in a way I can unwrap and reread and remember ten years from now. Or even tomorrow.
I need to be quiet and revel in all that brought me to 'today'. Even the words inside of me are longing to 'balance to zero'.
Soon. Very soon...
Stepping back into life-as-I-know-it has felt a little bit overwhelming and a lot 'okay', but I am longing for quiet.
I want to sift through the thoughts that I barely had time to think over our family reunion weekend. I am so grateful that I don't have the pictures or videos at my fingertips right now because I feel the need to unwrap them quietly, like a gift, and relive the experience in my own way, in my own time.
When (a month ago) I booked myself an extra day off around the November long weekend, it was with absolutely no forethought. I was exhausted when I looked at that lonely Monday sitting in between a Sunday and a Holiday Tuesday and I do believe I swooned. I wanted that day to myself ...
I was granted that day off and I am beyond grateful.
I have done all-that-needs-to-be-done and I have four consecutive days off coming to me soon. Very soon.
I just need to get through this week.
I want to 'balance my books to zero'. I have collected and spent thousands upon thousands of dollars from my family. I know for a fact that every single penny is accounted for. But I have this undying need to balance to zero.
I have added and subtracted and divided and stood on my head to see things from a different perspective. But I cannot come to zero. I am within $10.00 which is close enough. But when I went to look at it again, I think I was up to $15.00 or so.
These little things do not rest within my brain. I have an accountant's mentality when it comes to numbers. There is absolutely no reason that I cannot unravel this mystery.
As I sit and play with my numbers, I cannot seem to make letters form words and words form paragraphs. My words are piling up inside of my head and I have not yet released them. I want to find an outlet for them before they get lost in the clutter of living out my regularly scheduled life.
I just need to get through the next two days. I need to turn off my internal calculator and look at the day that is sitting in front of me. I need to tune out the 'family stuff' (which I have no desire to do) and do the job that is set out before me.
Two more days.
I simply cannot wait to get back 'in the zone' of recalling and writing about my family reunion experience.
It was everything one could ever hope a family reunion to be. Laughter, joy, story-telling and simply feeling like you are a part of something great.
I still sit back and marvel at my grandparents and great-grandparents that I got to know so well as I assembled our family's memories. 'This' ... this feeling of connection and family harmony ... 'this' is what they wanted for us and guided us towards.
'Never lose touch with family' my great-grandmother told my uncle when he stayed with her. He never did....
My thoughts wander off and sit with my uncle as I write those words. He was unable to attend our reunion but he was so present with us despite that fact.
I talked with him yesterday and his voice was tonic for my soul. 'He' was behind me every single step along the way as I collected family memories and then tied it all up neatly with this little family gathering. 'He' was my inspiration, my encouragement, my guiding post, my editor and fact-finder. I am afraid I wore him out.
I am a little lost at sea as my uncle finds his own sea legs again. Maybe that is part of the reason my words are bottled up inside. I'm concerned ...
I cannot wait to submerse myself in memories this upcoming weekend. I am counting on the words flowing out of my fingertips and out of my brain. I need to put all of this together in a way I can unwrap and reread and remember ten years from now. Or even tomorrow.
I need to be quiet and revel in all that brought me to 'today'. Even the words inside of me are longing to 'balance to zero'.
Soon. Very soon...
Tuesday, November 4, 2014
Wafting
After a weekend-well-spent, I am in no real hurry to rush through the paces of life and lose the magic of time spent nestled in among family.
This past weekend was a culmination of the past six years and two months, all wrapped up in one big gift with a bow to be slowly opened and enjoyed all weekend. And beyond...
It was my dad's family reunion. It was the weekend our book of family memories was dispersed. It was a weekend spent under one roof, where our needs were taken care of by the incredible people at Cedar Lodge (http://www.cedarlodge.org/). All we had to do was 'show up'.
We were saddened by those who wanted to come but could not attend. But we were more relieved to know that everyone was where they 'most needed to be' so they could be nurtured and cared for in the best way possible. Sometimes the tender loving care that a family can provide just isn't enough. It is hard to believe but it is true.
I felt like we were all wrapped in the arms of angels. All weekend. The sensation was overpowering and real. I walked into my room in the quiet of the first morning and I felt a 'hug' from beyond this physical plane. I knew in that instant "they are here ... they are with us". And they stayed and mingled all weekend.
You can take those words in whatever capacity you believe in. But to me, even in the most basic, elementary sense, our ancestors are woven into our physical and emotional bodies in the most intricate fashion possible.
Physical resemblances, mannerisms and personality traits are passed down the line unconsciously. I believe the best part of collecting and assembling the memories from both Mom and Dad's families, is the way I find myself woven into the tapestry of both families. I see and feel bits and pieces of myself, my siblings and my parents within the greater whole.
Stealing (and paraphrasing) a line from "Jerry Maguire", I can very openly and honestly say "My family 'completes me'."
I have not found myself looking for the love of my life to complete me. I have found myself within my family and I feel complete. I believe I have finally woven the loose ends of myself back into my soul and I am ready to go on from here.
There are so many stories, memories and anecdotes from this weekend past. I don't want to rush them outside of my memory and onto the page until I've had an opportunity to simply enjoy basking in the glow of being immersed in all-things-family. But I do want to write them down so they withstand the test of time (and lost memories).
I will be back with more. But for now, I am simply wafting gently back down to earth. I am enjoying the view as I make my way back down.
This past weekend was a culmination of the past six years and two months, all wrapped up in one big gift with a bow to be slowly opened and enjoyed all weekend. And beyond...
It was my dad's family reunion. It was the weekend our book of family memories was dispersed. It was a weekend spent under one roof, where our needs were taken care of by the incredible people at Cedar Lodge (http://www.cedarlodge.org/). All we had to do was 'show up'.
We were saddened by those who wanted to come but could not attend. But we were more relieved to know that everyone was where they 'most needed to be' so they could be nurtured and cared for in the best way possible. Sometimes the tender loving care that a family can provide just isn't enough. It is hard to believe but it is true.
I felt like we were all wrapped in the arms of angels. All weekend. The sensation was overpowering and real. I walked into my room in the quiet of the first morning and I felt a 'hug' from beyond this physical plane. I knew in that instant "they are here ... they are with us". And they stayed and mingled all weekend.
You can take those words in whatever capacity you believe in. But to me, even in the most basic, elementary sense, our ancestors are woven into our physical and emotional bodies in the most intricate fashion possible.
Physical resemblances, mannerisms and personality traits are passed down the line unconsciously. I believe the best part of collecting and assembling the memories from both Mom and Dad's families, is the way I find myself woven into the tapestry of both families. I see and feel bits and pieces of myself, my siblings and my parents within the greater whole.
Stealing (and paraphrasing) a line from "Jerry Maguire", I can very openly and honestly say "My family 'completes me'."
I have not found myself looking for the love of my life to complete me. I have found myself within my family and I feel complete. I believe I have finally woven the loose ends of myself back into my soul and I am ready to go on from here.
There are so many stories, memories and anecdotes from this weekend past. I don't want to rush them outside of my memory and onto the page until I've had an opportunity to simply enjoy basking in the glow of being immersed in all-things-family. But I do want to write them down so they withstand the test of time (and lost memories).
I will be back with more. But for now, I am simply wafting gently back down to earth. I am enjoying the view as I make my way back down.
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
Packing My Suitcase
I have been methodically dealing with my 'must do' list before our upcoming family reunion. Many things are like 'the book project'. One could keep tweaking and checking and adding and changing for as many days as one is given. But I must tie this up with a bow and let it go. Soon (I just received one more email asking "Is it too late ...").
I brought out my suitcase this morning and placed a few 'must bring' items inside of it. I felt the weight of those items fall off of my shoulders as I dropped them into their allotted spot. A few more worries off of my mind ...
I need to lighten my load so I can go into this event rested and ready to simply relax and go with the flow. No more worries. No more must-do lists.
I know 'good enough' is the motto I must adopt. I know it is time to let go. What I know and what I do are two different things.
Maybe the physical act of packing my bag will convince my brain it is time to stop working and just coast for a day or two.
It is time to relax this brain muscle of mine so that-which-needs-tending has an opportunity to rise to the top.
It is time to sit back and breathe in a day so I can exhale slowly and inhale the memories of this upcoming weekend.
I will pack my suitcase and be ready to go by the day's end. Time to let go and let the experts take over.
Thankfully we are going to a place where I can do exactly that. And I will.
I need to lighten my load so I can go into this event rested and ready to simply relax and go with the flow. No more worries. No more must-do lists.
I know 'good enough' is the motto I must adopt. I know it is time to let go. What I know and what I do are two different things.
Maybe the physical act of packing my bag will convince my brain it is time to stop working and just coast for a day or two.
It is time to relax this brain muscle of mine so that-which-needs-tending has an opportunity to rise to the top.
It is time to sit back and breathe in a day so I can exhale slowly and inhale the memories of this upcoming weekend.
I will pack my suitcase and be ready to go by the day's end. Time to let go and let the experts take over.
Thankfully we are going to a place where I can do exactly that. And I will.
Friday, October 24, 2014
My Horoscope for the Week of Oct 19 - 25
"After being a bit zealous at the office, a little rest is needed. Try to think more about yourself. A getaway or even a small trip will completely renew your energy."
I may not have an office. But I have been planning a reunion. And 'zealous' feels like a word which may describe my passion for this upcoming event.
We are exactly one week away from Reunion Day. I am excited and anxious and overwhelmed. But mostly excited.
There have been so very many reminders why we have planned this little family reunion. There have been too many funerals and not enough weddings. There have been too many calls of a serious nature over the concern of a family member and not enough celebrations .
Life is short. We need to take the time to gather with those who bring us up, carry us through and bring comfort just by showing up.
We are beyond fortunate that is what our family is and does for each other.
The legacy our grandparents left behind is a family who you simply want to get to know and to spend time with. The more I know of my family, the more I want to get to know them.
Now, if only I didn't have to 'work' for a living, I could sit back and revel in this last week of wrapping my thoughts around all-things-family.
I've been enjoying the anticipation of this little family reunion for quite some time. I can't wait for the rest of the family to come and enjoy this little party in my mind.
After it is over, will a small trip be in order? Probably not.
For me, the best place I can be, is exactly where I am. Just over a week from now, I will be in exactly the same place but I will be wrapped up in warm thoughts and memories of a weekend well spent. I cannot think of any other place I would rather be.
I may not have an office. But I have been planning a reunion. And 'zealous' feels like a word which may describe my passion for this upcoming event.
We are exactly one week away from Reunion Day. I am excited and anxious and overwhelmed. But mostly excited.
There have been so very many reminders why we have planned this little family reunion. There have been too many funerals and not enough weddings. There have been too many calls of a serious nature over the concern of a family member and not enough celebrations .
Life is short. We need to take the time to gather with those who bring us up, carry us through and bring comfort just by showing up.
We are beyond fortunate that is what our family is and does for each other.
The legacy our grandparents left behind is a family who you simply want to get to know and to spend time with. The more I know of my family, the more I want to get to know them.
Now, if only I didn't have to 'work' for a living, I could sit back and revel in this last week of wrapping my thoughts around all-things-family.
I've been enjoying the anticipation of this little family reunion for quite some time. I can't wait for the rest of the family to come and enjoy this little party in my mind.
After it is over, will a small trip be in order? Probably not.
For me, the best place I can be, is exactly where I am. Just over a week from now, I will be in exactly the same place but I will be wrapped up in warm thoughts and memories of a weekend well spent. I cannot think of any other place I would rather be.
Friday, August 22, 2014
Mini Class Reunion
Last June, I was on a mission in an attempt to track down and contact as many friends-from-my-school-days as possible. I succeeded in small ways.
I contacted one school friend via 'Classmates.com' and we connected on a deep and meaningful level for many email conversations.
I had lunch with another school friend the day of the school reunion and she thought to invite another mutual school friend along with us (at the last minute) but she wasn't able to make it. So we had a great visit over a quiet lunch.
I went to the reunion with another school friend. We had a completely different set of friends as we walked through our high school years, so I didn't know a lot of her friends so the actual reunion was a small let down (but I found other ways to make the reunion a good memory).
I donned my Sherlock Holmes attitude and made a valiant attempt to contact friends-from-a-lifetime-ago. A few of those attempts appeared to be dead ends. That is, until yesterday.
In June of last year (fourteen months ago), I sent off a Facebook message to someone who may or may not have been a good friend during our junior high school years. Ironically, I had just checked that message a short time ago to find that it had never been read. "Oh well, at least I tried..." I thought to myself and chalked it up to a good (but failed) attempt.
Can you imagine my surprise when this friend acknowledged my message yesterday and confirmed that "Yes! I am that Cheryl!" and it spurred on a delightful exchange of Facebook messages throughout the evening that followed.
A person can't read a lot into a few words sometimes, but sometimes you can. Or at least you think you can. Her 'voice' sounded so very much like the girl I once knew. The passions that she had when I knew her are still a big part of her life. During our brief exchange, my heart was light and I was so proud of the person she (sounds like she) has become. Especially because underneath it all, it sounds as if she has been true to herself.
What does a person really know of another when it comes to brief messages that span the internet and (over) 36 years that have distanced you from a person you once knew?
There is a feeling. Just a feeling that seems to come across the page and reach out to me sometimes. This contact may be brief and go no further. Then again, we may become pen pals (email pals? Facebook pals? what is the new age equivalent of a pen pal since we rarely pick up a pen and write to someone these days??).
It was a brief encounter on a city bus, with a friend that I once knew well that makes me believe that some friendships are meant to be rekindled. Others? Maybe not. But it always feels good to know that someone remembers you in a good way.
It is my mission to make the most of these brief encounters. That friend that I crossed paths with on that city bus 34 years ago? Is a trusted and life-long friend that will always remain in my life. She may be one in a million but I believe in casting a wide net because you simply never know who may need a friend or may simply enjoy that feeling of being 'connected' to someone they once knew ...
Class reunions do not have to be large to be effective. Thirty six years is as good a year to celebrate as thirty five was. If I just so happen to track down another friend or two maybe we could have our own little reunion at Tim Horton's one stray Saturday that works. Or maybe even just an evening of messaging with a friend from a time long ago will suffice.
Little things mean a lot. Just keep reaching out in small ways. Reach back to those who reach out to you. Over a lifetime, it all adds up and makes a big difference.
It all matters. Every little thing...
I contacted one school friend via 'Classmates.com' and we connected on a deep and meaningful level for many email conversations.
I had lunch with another school friend the day of the school reunion and she thought to invite another mutual school friend along with us (at the last minute) but she wasn't able to make it. So we had a great visit over a quiet lunch.
I went to the reunion with another school friend. We had a completely different set of friends as we walked through our high school years, so I didn't know a lot of her friends so the actual reunion was a small let down (but I found other ways to make the reunion a good memory).
I donned my Sherlock Holmes attitude and made a valiant attempt to contact friends-from-a-lifetime-ago. A few of those attempts appeared to be dead ends. That is, until yesterday.
In June of last year (fourteen months ago), I sent off a Facebook message to someone who may or may not have been a good friend during our junior high school years. Ironically, I had just checked that message a short time ago to find that it had never been read. "Oh well, at least I tried..." I thought to myself and chalked it up to a good (but failed) attempt.
Can you imagine my surprise when this friend acknowledged my message yesterday and confirmed that "Yes! I am that Cheryl!" and it spurred on a delightful exchange of Facebook messages throughout the evening that followed.
A person can't read a lot into a few words sometimes, but sometimes you can. Or at least you think you can. Her 'voice' sounded so very much like the girl I once knew. The passions that she had when I knew her are still a big part of her life. During our brief exchange, my heart was light and I was so proud of the person she (sounds like she) has become. Especially because underneath it all, it sounds as if she has been true to herself.
What does a person really know of another when it comes to brief messages that span the internet and (over) 36 years that have distanced you from a person you once knew?
There is a feeling. Just a feeling that seems to come across the page and reach out to me sometimes. This contact may be brief and go no further. Then again, we may become pen pals (email pals? Facebook pals? what is the new age equivalent of a pen pal since we rarely pick up a pen and write to someone these days??).
It was a brief encounter on a city bus, with a friend that I once knew well that makes me believe that some friendships are meant to be rekindled. Others? Maybe not. But it always feels good to know that someone remembers you in a good way.
It is my mission to make the most of these brief encounters. That friend that I crossed paths with on that city bus 34 years ago? Is a trusted and life-long friend that will always remain in my life. She may be one in a million but I believe in casting a wide net because you simply never know who may need a friend or may simply enjoy that feeling of being 'connected' to someone they once knew ...
Class reunions do not have to be large to be effective. Thirty six years is as good a year to celebrate as thirty five was. If I just so happen to track down another friend or two maybe we could have our own little reunion at Tim Horton's one stray Saturday that works. Or maybe even just an evening of messaging with a friend from a time long ago will suffice.
Little things mean a lot. Just keep reaching out in small ways. Reach back to those who reach out to you. Over a lifetime, it all adds up and makes a big difference.
It all matters. Every little thing...
Monday, March 10, 2014
If I Invite Them...
I'm living my 'Field of Dreams' life once again ...
January 12, 2010 I wrote this:
I am learning that if you live your life with intention - if you say you are going to do something, believe that you can do whatever you set your sights on, steer your life in a direction where you can pursue your dreams ... anything is possible.
Sometimes all it takes is for one person to take a step and commit to a dream ... and you find many others will come into your life and walk with you through your own personal Field of Dreams.
January 15, 2014 I wrote this:
Something deep inside of me sparked yesterday when I made one brave decision. That decision was to make a plan and then invite people along for the ride.
I made a few moves in a familiar direction yesterday. It rekindled the spark that led me down the path that I travelled during those years where I felt fearless and was fuelled by following through on small ideas.
Today (March 10, 2014) I write this:
It never ceases to amaze me. The cycles of life. I have looked back upon my life 'a year ago today' or 'five years ago today' or 'any amount of years ago today' and so very, very often I find that I am repeating a pattern. Some of them are good. Some of them are not.
The good thing about looking back and seeing that I was in a bad 'space' X-amount of years ago today, is that I know that I dug myself out of that spot and life felt that much better once I overcame the crisis-of-the-moment.
I've been digging myself out of a spot I found myself in quite some time ago. I didn't consciously make the decision to repeat history but that is exactly what I have subconsciously done.
I have made plans. I have investigated 'adventures'. I have instigated gatherings. I have booked tickets and rooms and resorts and simply invited people along for the ride. Do you know what I have found? A lot of people were ready to be invited...
One week ago today, I had an idea. Seven days later, sixty two people (and the number is still growing) have joined me for the ride. I keep hearing that everyone was 'ready' for this but needed someone to start the ball rolling.
January 12, 2010 I wrote this:
"If I open it (a daycare) ... they will come"
"If I write it (a book, a blog) ... they will read it"
"If I ask (invitations to family and friends) ... they will come"
"If I believe it (working from home) ... it will (eventually) succeed"
"If I am living my life to the fullest ... people will join me on my adventure"
Sometimes all it takes is for one person to take a step and commit to a dream ... and you find many others will come into your life and walk with you through your own personal Field of Dreams.
January 15, 2014 I wrote this:
Something deep inside of me sparked yesterday when I made one brave decision. That decision was to make a plan and then invite people along for the ride.
I made a few moves in a familiar direction yesterday. It rekindled the spark that led me down the path that I travelled during those years where I felt fearless and was fuelled by following through on small ideas.
Today (March 10, 2014) I write this:
It never ceases to amaze me. The cycles of life. I have looked back upon my life 'a year ago today' or 'five years ago today' or 'any amount of years ago today' and so very, very often I find that I am repeating a pattern. Some of them are good. Some of them are not.
The good thing about looking back and seeing that I was in a bad 'space' X-amount of years ago today, is that I know that I dug myself out of that spot and life felt that much better once I overcame the crisis-of-the-moment.
I've been digging myself out of a spot I found myself in quite some time ago. I didn't consciously make the decision to repeat history but that is exactly what I have subconsciously done.
I have made plans. I have investigated 'adventures'. I have instigated gatherings. I have booked tickets and rooms and resorts and simply invited people along for the ride. Do you know what I have found? A lot of people were ready to be invited...
One week ago today, I had an idea. Seven days later, sixty two people (and the number is still growing) have joined me for the ride. I keep hearing that everyone was 'ready' for this but needed someone to start the ball rolling.
"If I invite them ... they will come"
It feels good to be back. I am walking in my Field of Dreams once again.
Sunday, March 9, 2014
Following the Beat of My Heart Once Again
I have dipped my fingers (and toes ... heck, I think my whole body is immersed) into approximately three family reunions; a spring getaway and a set-in-stone-end-zone for The Book Project. Thankfully these occasions are all separated by a season or two. Except The Book. The Book must be complete, out of my editing hands and into the hands of those who want it by this upcoming fall.
Deadlines are the only way that I get anything done around here.
Our Spring Fling getaway has taken on new life and we are lucky enough to add an aunt and a cousin to the mix. I think the new equation is going to equal FUN!
Our Summer Family (our immediate family) reunion has the potential to become more-than-we-expected. We have invited extended family into the mix. We may be lucky enough to have our family's Rising Star (who recently got a lead role in a movie that is being filmed in New York with other Hollywood names and faces!!) perform for us. That is, if he isn't too busy making movies ...
Our Fall Family (Dad's family) Reunion has taken on a life of its own. I threw the information out there and a few showed genuine interest so I said "Let's just do it!" and (I do believe that our family has 'sheep' somewhere in their lineage) where one leads, others follow. It has exceeded my wildest expectations. Not crazy-wild. But at least double what I originally thought.
Then there is the Summer 2015 reunion that is off in the distant future. I had thought that we may completely take that idea off the table but there are enough people saying "Let's still do it" or at least if we don't utilize the spot for my dad's side of the family, let's get Mom's side together. Maybe I should reserve two spots...
It is intoxicating being in the hub of this family communication. I literally sat at the computer desk all day. I sent off and answered emails. I made and answered phone calls. I sent and received texts.
I felt like an efficient secretary as I cleared through the chaos that took over the computer desk and kitchen table over the course of last week. I finally have notes and emails and information sorted into appropriate file folders. I do not have excessive 'windows' open on the computer screen. My brain waves are starting to correlate with the organization on my 'desktop'.
Once the frenzy of making this reservation is behind me, I can put up my feet and write a book. That is, if I don't start to plan every nook and cranny of my life.
I have been living a life of complacency for a few too many years. It feels good to be back in action again.
It all started with doing just one hard thing.
Follow the beat of you own heart today. Do the one hard thing that your heart and soul have been telling you to do. It doesn't have to be big. It just has to be something. Try it. And see where the momentum of that one step takes you ...
Do one 'impossible thing' before lunch today. I'll bet you will be glad that you did.
Deadlines are the only way that I get anything done around here.
Our Spring Fling getaway has taken on new life and we are lucky enough to add an aunt and a cousin to the mix. I think the new equation is going to equal FUN!
Our Summer Family (our immediate family) reunion has the potential to become more-than-we-expected. We have invited extended family into the mix. We may be lucky enough to have our family's Rising Star (who recently got a lead role in a movie that is being filmed in New York with other Hollywood names and faces!!) perform for us. That is, if he isn't too busy making movies ...
Our Fall Family (Dad's family) Reunion has taken on a life of its own. I threw the information out there and a few showed genuine interest so I said "Let's just do it!" and (I do believe that our family has 'sheep' somewhere in their lineage) where one leads, others follow. It has exceeded my wildest expectations. Not crazy-wild. But at least double what I originally thought.
Then there is the Summer 2015 reunion that is off in the distant future. I had thought that we may completely take that idea off the table but there are enough people saying "Let's still do it" or at least if we don't utilize the spot for my dad's side of the family, let's get Mom's side together. Maybe I should reserve two spots...
It is intoxicating being in the hub of this family communication. I literally sat at the computer desk all day. I sent off and answered emails. I made and answered phone calls. I sent and received texts.
I felt like an efficient secretary as I cleared through the chaos that took over the computer desk and kitchen table over the course of last week. I finally have notes and emails and information sorted into appropriate file folders. I do not have excessive 'windows' open on the computer screen. My brain waves are starting to correlate with the organization on my 'desktop'.
Once the frenzy of making this reservation is behind me, I can put up my feet and write a book. That is, if I don't start to plan every nook and cranny of my life.
I have been living a life of complacency for a few too many years. It feels good to be back in action again.
It all started with doing just one hard thing.
Follow the beat of you own heart today. Do the one hard thing that your heart and soul have been telling you to do. It doesn't have to be big. It just has to be something. Try it. And see where the momentum of that one step takes you ...
Do one 'impossible thing' before lunch today. I'll bet you will be glad that you did.
Friday, June 21, 2013
Life as I Know It ... (it is enough)
I heard a 'voice from the past' yesterday. And it was everything that I hoped it would be ...
Ever since I received my invitation to our high school's 35th reunion, I have been looking back in time and wondering where my friends-of-the-past may be in their lives right now.
I joined classmates.com and was delighted to find a few names that I used to call 'friend'. I wrote a 'public note' to one friend. I emailed another. I read the stories of other familiar names and left my name in their guestbook.
Yesterday, one of those friends replied to my email. We corresponded back and forth throughout the day. Our electronic connection reinforced my idea that 'now' was a good time to walk back through those doors-of-the-past and peek through.
As my friend wrote a condensed version of her life-story-so-far, I read words that paralleled my own experiences. It was a small bit uncanny. But not really. When people talk openly and honestly with each other about life and how they have experienced it, it opens the door wide. And we can relate with another person's struggles.
I think thatall (most) a lot of us want to experience that 'connection' with others. I call them 'knee shaking conversations'. You know them when they happen. It is when all illusions are cast aside and the conversation is raw and genuine.
I have been yearning to run into someone-from-the-old-days each and every time I have been in Mom's neighborhood (the neighborhood I grew up in) for years. I didn't know what I was searching for, but I know that I found a piece of it in the friend I corresponded with yesterday.
It is interesting to discover if the friendship that was sparked in childhood (often due to geography, school and friends-of-the-family) can be reignited years later. I have been fortunate enough to discover that it can happen.
So I mailed off my RSVP, paid my way and I will attend my reunion in the fall.
I will take my genuine self with me when I go. I am presently twenty pounds heavier than I was, when I thought that I was ten pounds over weight. Do I wish I was sporting a sleeker, more attractive body? Sure. Do I wish that I looked younger than that reflection in the mirror? You bet. But this is the 'me' that I have grown up to be.
I will pack my imperfections and wear them proudly on my sleeve. I am who I am, and I hope to meet up with others who are feeling okay about where they are and what life has taught them as well.
Will I turn into an insecure teenager, fretting about hair, shoes and what to wear the day before the event? Quite likely. But thanks to what-life-has-taught-me, I will know that the minute I sit down and start talking with someone ... outer appearances won't matter. Not if I am having one of those 'knee shaking' conversations...
When I heard that one of my friends-of-the-past is now a doctor, I had a flash of insecurity (... all that I have done is raise three children and run a daycare ...). But I stopped that scene before it got any further. Underneath the badges of honor that many have worked for and have come at a price ... is a person. A real, live, vulnerable person.
My badge of honor is my life. My life-as-I-know-it. And that is enough ...
Ever since I received my invitation to our high school's 35th reunion, I have been looking back in time and wondering where my friends-of-the-past may be in their lives right now.
I joined classmates.com and was delighted to find a few names that I used to call 'friend'. I wrote a 'public note' to one friend. I emailed another. I read the stories of other familiar names and left my name in their guestbook.
Yesterday, one of those friends replied to my email. We corresponded back and forth throughout the day. Our electronic connection reinforced my idea that 'now' was a good time to walk back through those doors-of-the-past and peek through.
As my friend wrote a condensed version of her life-story-so-far, I read words that paralleled my own experiences. It was a small bit uncanny. But not really. When people talk openly and honestly with each other about life and how they have experienced it, it opens the door wide. And we can relate with another person's struggles.
I think that
I have been yearning to run into someone-from-the-old-days each and every time I have been in Mom's neighborhood (the neighborhood I grew up in) for years. I didn't know what I was searching for, but I know that I found a piece of it in the friend I corresponded with yesterday.
It is interesting to discover if the friendship that was sparked in childhood (often due to geography, school and friends-of-the-family) can be reignited years later. I have been fortunate enough to discover that it can happen.
So I mailed off my RSVP, paid my way and I will attend my reunion in the fall.
I will take my genuine self with me when I go. I am presently twenty pounds heavier than I was, when I thought that I was ten pounds over weight. Do I wish I was sporting a sleeker, more attractive body? Sure. Do I wish that I looked younger than that reflection in the mirror? You bet. But this is the 'me' that I have grown up to be.
I will pack my imperfections and wear them proudly on my sleeve. I am who I am, and I hope to meet up with others who are feeling okay about where they are and what life has taught them as well.
Will I turn into an insecure teenager, fretting about hair, shoes and what to wear the day before the event? Quite likely. But thanks to what-life-has-taught-me, I will know that the minute I sit down and start talking with someone ... outer appearances won't matter. Not if I am having one of those 'knee shaking' conversations...
When I heard that one of my friends-of-the-past is now a doctor, I had a flash of insecurity (... all that I have done is raise three children and run a daycare ...). But I stopped that scene before it got any further. Underneath the badges of honor that many have worked for and have come at a price ... is a person. A real, live, vulnerable person.
My badge of honor is my life. My life-as-I-know-it. And that is enough ...
Saturday, June 8, 2013
A Walk Down Memory Lane
An invitation to our 35 year reunion had me walking down memory lane this morning. Since my memory needed a little encouragement, I pulled out our high school yearbook and started thinking about those young and 'innocent' years. All I can say (35 years later), is I wish that I would have made more memories during that time.
As my youngest son started high school this past fall, I found myself reflecting on my high school years as being 'invisible'. It wasn't altogether a bad thing for me. I walked through the halls of My Old High School and made little (or no) impact during those years. I was quiet and absorbed the world I lived in. I believe those quiet reflections made me more of who I am today.
Who am I?
I started my role as 'Mom' shortly after our class graduated. And so began my journey into adulthood ...
My marriage taught me independence. It was an off again, on again relationship that lasted the better part of ten years. I had one more son and three months after he was born (twenty six years ago), I packed up my little 'family of three' and moved to Saskatoon. It was the best move of my life ...
I worked full time in the banking industry from January, 1979 until June, 1998 (when my youngest son was born).
If life has taught me one thing, it is that the best outcomes come out of the most trying of times. It was a moment in the sun with my youngest son that changed my world. I sat in a sunbeam with my infant and knew that 'this' was where I had wanted to be all along. I 'just' wanted to be a mom ...
I opened a daycare and have been operating that (with a three-year hiatus to educate myself and try out a brand new career at the age of 50) ever since. I learned many more hard lessons during those three years of trying out the brave new world. What I learned most of all ... is that I have made a difference in this world simply by being a mom.
My children are reflections of who I was when I raised them. They are good citizens in their worlds and making small differences in the way they see and reflect the world. And they like me. They really like me! Trust me, after raising two teenage boys, I know that I am blessed beyond what words can express to be able to say, "My 15 year old son likes me." I always follow up that statement with the disclaimer "I know this can change in a heartbeat ... but I am grateful for every moment that this remains to be true." I have been saying that since he was 12 years old and he still delights me simply by LIKING me!
So no, I don't have a list of degrees, careers or accomplishments to write about. What I have instead, is a life that I am grateful to have. There is peace in our home and harmony within my family. And my family has grown to include friends that feel just as close as family to me.
Moving back to Saskatoon brought me closer to my 'roots'. I was born and lived in this area until I was 9 years old and I believe that I spent my life finding my way back home. I have researched, interviewed and compiled memories for both of my mom & dad's families and gotten to know my extended family in ways I could have never imagined.
I am nearing 53 years old and I can happily say that I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. If life goes my way, I will never stop saying that. I love being open to being able to go where the wind blows. As long as it always blows me back to a home filled with quiet joy, peace and contentment.
As my youngest son started high school this past fall, I found myself reflecting on my high school years as being 'invisible'. It wasn't altogether a bad thing for me. I walked through the halls of My Old High School and made little (or no) impact during those years. I was quiet and absorbed the world I lived in. I believe those quiet reflections made me more of who I am today.
Who am I?
I started my role as 'Mom' shortly after our class graduated. And so began my journey into adulthood ...
My marriage taught me independence. It was an off again, on again relationship that lasted the better part of ten years. I had one more son and three months after he was born (twenty six years ago), I packed up my little 'family of three' and moved to Saskatoon. It was the best move of my life ...
I worked full time in the banking industry from January, 1979 until June, 1998 (when my youngest son was born).
If life has taught me one thing, it is that the best outcomes come out of the most trying of times. It was a moment in the sun with my youngest son that changed my world. I sat in a sunbeam with my infant and knew that 'this' was where I had wanted to be all along. I 'just' wanted to be a mom ...
I opened a daycare and have been operating that (with a three-year hiatus to educate myself and try out a brand new career at the age of 50) ever since. I learned many more hard lessons during those three years of trying out the brave new world. What I learned most of all ... is that I have made a difference in this world simply by being a mom.
My children are reflections of who I was when I raised them. They are good citizens in their worlds and making small differences in the way they see and reflect the world. And they like me. They really like me! Trust me, after raising two teenage boys, I know that I am blessed beyond what words can express to be able to say, "My 15 year old son likes me." I always follow up that statement with the disclaimer "I know this can change in a heartbeat ... but I am grateful for every moment that this remains to be true." I have been saying that since he was 12 years old and he still delights me simply by LIKING me!
So no, I don't have a list of degrees, careers or accomplishments to write about. What I have instead, is a life that I am grateful to have. There is peace in our home and harmony within my family. And my family has grown to include friends that feel just as close as family to me.
Moving back to Saskatoon brought me closer to my 'roots'. I was born and lived in this area until I was 9 years old and I believe that I spent my life finding my way back home. I have researched, interviewed and compiled memories for both of my mom & dad's families and gotten to know my extended family in ways I could have never imagined.
I am nearing 53 years old and I can happily say that I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. If life goes my way, I will never stop saying that. I love being open to being able to go where the wind blows. As long as it always blows me back to a home filled with quiet joy, peace and contentment.
Thirty Five Years Later ...
I received an invitation to my 35th Year School Reunion a few weeks ago. At first glance, I was intrigued and excited about the idea of going back in time and seeing those that I once knew throughout my school years. Then I scanned the two pages of graduates that they are looking for ...
Each and every one of the people that I think of, when I think back on my school years was on that list. From the group of us that used to meet up and walk to school together ... to those that I was closest to in my junior high years ... to the names of the guys that I used to have crushes on. They were all on that list.
I have kept in contact with two people from my school years. One of those friends, I met in grade six. The other, I met in grade ten. That is it. Other than a few rare school-friend-sightings (where a friend of mine recognized my mom or my brother or their name) over the course of these past three decades, I have completely broken away from my school friend bonds.
As I thought of the list of the names that I recognized on that 'missing list', I realized that I made one new friend in my high school years. At least that is what I remember. Are my memories from junior high years meshing with my high school years? I hope so. Because if they aren't, I believe I must have been what one must call a hermit or a recluse or afraid of the world in my high school years ...
I pulled out my high school yearbook and counted up 426 in our Grade 12 year. Two hundred and fifty six of those students are on the 'missing' list. I know from talking to the two friends that I have kept in touch with, that at least three of the lost have been found.
I know that we can't go back in time, but I have rekindled long, lost friendships by being present and available for the opportunity to get reacquainted with someone I once called 'friend'.
Will I attend that reunion? The jury is still out on that one. If I knew that I would cross paths with just one person that I have lost touch with I might.
My biggest fear? That I would walk through that door and people would look at me and wonder if I had ever attended that school. Because I felt invisible in those days ...
Perhaps what I am seeking is the hope that one person did notice and remember me back from the days where I blended in with the walls. I long for the feeling that comes from learning that you did make an impact somewhere in your life ... without realizing it at the time.
My bigger hope? That if I did make an impact ... that it was a positive one. And that is the scariest thought of all. To go back in time and hear that someone remembered who you were for all the wrong reasons.
Each and every one of the people that I think of, when I think back on my school years was on that list. From the group of us that used to meet up and walk to school together ... to those that I was closest to in my junior high years ... to the names of the guys that I used to have crushes on. They were all on that list.
I have kept in contact with two people from my school years. One of those friends, I met in grade six. The other, I met in grade ten. That is it. Other than a few rare school-friend-sightings (where a friend of mine recognized my mom or my brother or their name) over the course of these past three decades, I have completely broken away from my school friend bonds.
As I thought of the list of the names that I recognized on that 'missing list', I realized that I made one new friend in my high school years. At least that is what I remember. Are my memories from junior high years meshing with my high school years? I hope so. Because if they aren't, I believe I must have been what one must call a hermit or a recluse or afraid of the world in my high school years ...
I pulled out my high school yearbook and counted up 426 in our Grade 12 year. Two hundred and fifty six of those students are on the 'missing' list. I know from talking to the two friends that I have kept in touch with, that at least three of the lost have been found.
I know that we can't go back in time, but I have rekindled long, lost friendships by being present and available for the opportunity to get reacquainted with someone I once called 'friend'.
Will I attend that reunion? The jury is still out on that one. If I knew that I would cross paths with just one person that I have lost touch with I might.
My biggest fear? That I would walk through that door and people would look at me and wonder if I had ever attended that school. Because I felt invisible in those days ...
Perhaps what I am seeking is the hope that one person did notice and remember me back from the days where I blended in with the walls. I long for the feeling that comes from learning that you did make an impact somewhere in your life ... without realizing it at the time.
My bigger hope? That if I did make an impact ... that it was a positive one. And that is the scariest thought of all. To go back in time and hear that someone remembered who you were for all the wrong reasons.
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