Paid in Full

 Another pay day, one more big bill crossed off my list-of-bills-to-pay is paid in full. Oh, what a feeling!!

It was approximately a year ago when I borrowed money from my son's savings account to paint the exterior of our home. I have been playing catch-up ever since. It has taken a year to get back to "zero" and my income has remained stable throughout this time. 

At the beginning of COVID, I was uncertain how my income would be affected. I had a back up plan but it involved incurring debt. Had worst come to worst, I would have qualified for the payments our government provided which would have been a godsend. Taking on added debt without a regular pay cheque in sight is incredibly hard to make up.

I count my lucky stars for every month where my income rolls in as expected and on time. I realize my income sources are not a guarantee and know I need to create a contingency plan for the time when this changes.

It took a year to recover from borrowing $5,000. What if my income was cut by a third? How would I manage? Contingency plans run rampantly through my thoughts as there will come a day when that becomes my reality.

Now that I'm almost in the home stretch of paying my major annual expenses (house and car insurance left to go), I must take action to ensure I'm not so reliant on every penny I earn.

It always ends up this way. The moment there is a small amount of wiggle room within my budget, I find a way to create the scarcity I am accustomed to living with. I've made do with much less in the past. I always find a way.

Back up plans, cut backs on personal spending and making do. I am grateful for the stay-at-home recommendations throughout this time. It has made budgeting so much easier to attain. 

Last July and August my vacation spending equalled the amount it took me one year to save this year. Then, I went on to spend that amount all over again throughout the remainder of the year. Vacationing is expensive!

I'm on the right track but I must admit COVID restrictions have made all things possible. Finding my way back into the black is a huge incentive to keep going this way. As my son quoted something he read long ago, when one is continually living in debt and fighting to pay it off, the end reward is, "All that hard work and budgeting and all I have, is 'zero' ". 

Zero is good. Ground zero is a very good foundation. Working up to that foundation is not without its challenges, but when you get there the tendency is to try to keep your head above water. 

Staying afloat is a life long endeavor. I am grateful for what I have, how I got here and my ability to maintain the status quo. At least for now. 

How in the world does a person ever retire when living pay cheque to pay cheque has been your reality your entire adult life? I'm sure life will teach me this lesson. 

To be continued ...

A Sign

A sign of what's to come ...

One leaf today ... more coming soon.

Holiday - COVID style

 I invited my aunt to go on a short road trip with me a few days ago. 

Our destination was about an hour and a half out of the city. I assumed there would be a nice little walking path and enough to see to make it worth the trip. Then I made the decision to take the long way home in order to travel on a better highway. 

We left the city about 2:15 p.m.; arrived at our destination at 3:45 p.m.; back on the road home by 4:00; then re-entered the city limits by by 5:30. 

It was a perfect fall day. Crops were ripe and in various stages of harvest. The sky was blue, the weather was ideal and it was a very good day for a drive to no where (which is pretty much what it amounted to, as our final destination was definitely underwhelming). 

Our 3-1/2 hour day trip was enough for both me and my aunt. Both of us were eager to return home and stay home for the duration of the weekend to follow.

We pondered whether it was really worth the drive but I told my aunt "this" was my summer holiday this year. "This is and will be as far as I venture this year. Thank you for joining me!"

I had a déjà vu moment when I uttered the words "This is my holiday ..." Then I remembered. It was my last vacation at Mom's. Initially, I went out of concern for Mom, then stayed on longer than I had anticipated. Mom was worried about me missing work but I told her “this is my holiday” and I treated it as such. 

It was a vacation I will never regret. It was a spur of the moment decision at a time when I knew life as we knew it could change on a dime.

It was the right thing to do. Shortly thereafter, our lives were forever altered. Mom died within the month.

Vacations are a state of mind. The destination matters less than the company you keep and your ability to simply breathe in the moment you are in.

Holiday - COVID style found me on a day trip with my aunt. Something tells me I will never regret this holiday either.

Living on the Edge

Ray is the more timid of our two black cats. When I slept in a king sized bed, he enjoyed his own private corner of real estate where my tossing and turning didn't disturb him and he could sleep peacefully on the bed, without touching another cat or human.

Since I moved upstairs, I sleep on a queen sized bed which allows ample room for Jet (who has grown quite accustomed to my nightly habit of waking up and seeking out his presence with my foot). But Ray rarely joins us. The bed is just too small for the three of us.

Every now and again, Ray graces me with his presence in the morning. In fact one night I woke up, opened my eyes and our eyes met. He was literally face to face with me. Perhaps he is present more than I am aware. 

Ray is a cat who needs his personal space, likes to make the first move and generally walks to the beat of his own heart.

I'm thinking perhaps we should move back downstairs to our king sized bed. There is just no room for Ray here. 

He is living on the edge.

No Guilt Allowed

I have squandered more time off feeling guilty about all I'm not doing, than taking action actually doing something about it. 

Guilt has never done anything positive for me. The only thing it does, is drain me of energy, wear me down, I beat myself up and feel badly about whatever the situation is at hand.

Guilt rarely motivates me. I want to run for cover, turn on the TV to tune out my thoughts. I fill myself with junk food - literally and figuratively. Junk food for the soul (mindless TV) and junk food for my body (chips and pop).

Guilt is a complete and total waste of time for me.

This weekend I am not allowing guilt to rule my thoughts. It is a "No Guilt Allowed" weekend. I will follow where that thought leads, allow myself some guilty pleasures and plan to wake up to a Monday morning without a guilt hangover.

May you fill your day with whatever it is you need the most. No guilt allowed.

Who Knew?

I succumbed to my cravings and bought a bountiful supply of fresh fruit and vegetables a week ago.

A small sampling of salad the week prior tempted my taste buds and I could hear myself utter the words, "This salad is sooo good!" in the same way honesty sometimes oozes out my fingertips before my brain has a chance to censor myself.

My knees weakened at the very idea of adding some fresh and healthy foods to my online grocery cart. I was disheartened to find much of what I had ordered was out of stock. The desire was strong so I actually braved entering a store-with-a-door. 

Donning my COVID face mask and slathering myself with hand sanitizer, I socially distanced myself from the produce and any shoppers in my midst. I came home with a small tray of mixed fruit, a few bags of salad, a cucumber and five tomatoes. 

I had salad for lunch every day. I made a sandwich full of veggies with a minimal amount of ham for supper. Instead of grabbing a cookie (or three) for dessert, I had a small bowl of fruit.

Then the most amazing thing happened.

After eating a balanced meal and feeding my sugar craving with fruit, I didn't have room for cookies. Who knew eating well could result in eating less??

Our body is pretty smart. It tells us what we need the most if we don't buffer its voice with sugar, chips and pop. 

If I keep this up, there is a slim chance I may fit into my pants by winter. But in addition to eating healthier, I may have to start going to bed by 7:30 to curb my evening snack. That snack is my reward for getting through another day. 

I need a new reward. Perhaps I should take up drinking.

We All Need a Little Support Now and Then

The top of my foot is sore.

Isn't that about the strangest symptom you've ever heard? I agree. So many worries in the world and the top of my foot is sore.

My first thought was that I should be wearing supportive footwear. 

This mysterious symptom has been getting progressively worse so I consulted with Dr. Google this morning and confirmed my diagnosis.

I don't have supportive indoor shoes so I wrapped my foot in a tension bandage. It felt like a warm hug. Walking became easier. Support was exactly what I needed.

My foot is a metaphor for life:

When we walk through our days feeling a dull ache which may ebb and flow with the distractions of living but is still at the core of our being, we may simply need a little support. Life becomes easier when you succumb to the need to lean on another person. Support may be exactly what you need.

The amount of support is dependent on the day, your situation and own personal needs. 

Too much of a good thing is not necessarily a good thing. Please excuse me while I adjust the tension on my bandaged foot. I may have cut off the circulation to my toes.

Weekends

Weekends are defined differently since my work moved in with me. They are less about not working and more about not having to leave the house.

The minute I know I must leave home, my entire perspective shifts. A day interrupted by walking out the door changes everything.

I am a self-isolating kind of person by nature. Not much has changed for me with the COVID guidelines. I have simply been given me permission to be more of who I am.

Permission but not free reign. I must leave home and interact with the world around me. I would like to book a voluntary self isolation holiday this year. Fourteen consecutive days off with no where to go and no need to "be" anything to anyone sounds heavenly.

If I manage my time well while I am out today, it is my hope to able to stay home all weekend. I'll settle for two consecutive days off. If it wasn't for my work, I would disconnect myself from all forms of technology as well. That day will come. 

Self isolating has never sounded so good.

Today

I can't believe what I'm about to write. I am actually welcoming the idea of the sun sleeping in just a little bit longer. I am comforted by grabbing a sweater in the morning while there is a bit of a chill in the air. 

In a world where so much feels ever-changing, unpredictable and unprecedented I am comforted by the knowledge our seasons will change and although the sun is not shining as long as it has been, we know this is temporary. 

The sun always rises. Shortening days are followed by longer ones. Summer is followed by fall, which leads the way into winter where we anticipate the return of longer days, the renewal of spring and the harvest of our summer.

Nature is leading the way during this time of great uncertainty. News of Hurricane Laura, descriptions of a "surge" and the word "unsurvivable" tossed into  news briefs remind me to be grateful for what I have today.

Today my biggest problem is tending to month-end bookkeeping work. While it feels overwhelming at times, it is predictable and I have some control over how my days play out.

Another month has sped by. I feel like I'm in a time warp. Days go by quickly. Seasons blur from one into the next. In a few days I will have last year's income taxes paid in full. Just in time to start saving for this year's taxes. 

They say there are only two certainties in life. Death and taxes. This is something to hold onto while a global pandemic, racism, raging fires, hurricanes are the backdrop of our lives. Lives where challenges of living a regular ordinary life are still mounting. 

Today? I am grateful for taxes. It beats the alternative.

Life

I think of "where I'm at" and I still hear the echo of Mom's words. "What is your ten year plan?" That was three years ago ...

Three years ago today, I headed out to Edmonton for what would be my final visit with Mom.

I still hear you in my thoughts, Mom. I dreamt about you in the wee hours of this morning. You are part of my heart and soul.

So many thoughts ... so few words.

What's New?

 "What's new?" is an age old question and the age old answer "Not much" is even more prevalent than ever within my vocabulary as I go on to live a highly repetitious and predictable life as the COVID pandemic continues to rule the world.

My answer has rarely been mirrored as life continues to go on for those who touch my world. The answer is more like "Where do I begin?"

As I listen to the answers of others within this strange and changing time, I continue to be grateful for all that remains the same in my quiet little life.

Good health, contentment within, a comfortable home, healthy relationships and having the means to maintain the life one is accustomed to living is always a blessing. It seems to be truer than ever nowadays.

"What's new?" I hope your answer is comfortable for you. More of the same old, same old isn't as comfortable for some as it is for others. May I simply wish you more of what you need the most.

Better Days

One of my personal mottos is: "The good thing about a very bad day is [often], the next day is better"

Let me add the disclaimer this is not always the truth. Bad days are not always followed by better days but there is one almost sure fire guarantee. The next day will be different.

Personally, if I can examine that very bad day and pinpoint where things went wrong or why I took a set of circumstances personally, I do my best to address my personal responsibility and attempt to let the rest go. I am better at this some days than others.

If circumstances are beyond my control, I throw my hands up in the air and mutter to myself "I did my best but the wrong things happened". I give myself permission to feel badly, pat myself on the back for doing my level best (our best changes day by day and the best is all we can ever ask of ourselves) and carry on to live another day.

I've had a few bad days in recent history. Let me disclose the fact that I have a very easy life and my definition of a "bad day" is relative to the weeks and months preceding aforementioned days. A bad day in my life is not all that terrible.

I am well aware there are situations which are dire and of much more consequence than those I have contended with. I'm not talking about those days. In fact, I tend to handle the bigger, life altering life events better than I deal with the little stuff. It's the little stuff that brings me down (almost) every time.

Knowing when to consult a professional can alter a day. Computer technology comes to mind as an example. Deciphering when I can figure something out versus admitting defeat and calling a computer expert is a blurry line. Sometimes I win, sometimes I lose. Losing a day-long battle against technology can leave one feeling very weary. But, when comparing said defeat against a real live crisis of epic proportions, it keeps one's perspective in view.

When you look backwards at a day and can pinpoint the exact moment when things went awry and how the domino effect of one simple action affected everything to follow, it may help to take a portion of accountability on yourself. Even though there is nothing you can do about it, if you can walk away with the thought, "Note to self: next time I will do [this] differently and hope for better results". 

There are so very many kinds of days where one feels beaten down and worn out after a long, hard day of life.

There isn't a person I know who lives without worry, pressure, tension, anxiety, trauma, pain or difficulty in some form. Everyone you meet is carrying the weight of their world on their shoulders. Some bear the burden inwardly, others may show signs of weariness, but it is almost a guarantee that everyone you meet is fighting a battle you cannot see.

There are so many stressors people are facing. Health; relationships; financial burdens; work; mental illness; concern over family/friend's well being; feelings of being overwhelmed, misunderstood or not seen; too much/not enough responsibility; work/unemployment; isolation/not enough isolation and the list goes on. 

We are acting and reacting to all the above mentioned conditions on a day-to-day, moment-to-moment basis. Interactions between us are almost guaranteed to go sideways because each of us is dealing with our own "stuff". The potential for misunderstanding is high.

I wrote that sentence, looked up and the title of this book from my bookshelf literally jumped out at me:

When our bad days go badly due to interactions with others, it is hard not to take them personally. It can be even harder to pinpoint an exact cause and action to rectify a problem. The chance for re-occurrence is high.

In my experience, the best way to deal with the "day after" is after taking a step back, sleeping on it and coming back at the experience without the emotion driving the feelings of a bad situation.

In my daycare days, I wrote newsletters. Writing forces me to re-examine, re-read and reflect on how my words sound to the person on the receiving end. Writing has been a godsend to me. I can defuse my emotions, search for words with less of a sting and after sorting my thoughts on paper, I can maintain a sense of calmness when speaking of how something has affected me without adding fuel to the fire.

Writing has made me better at vocalizing my thoughts. It is in my nature to avoid confrontation or arguments. The fact that I have a quiet voice assists me in making my point. I have never solved an issue by pretending it didn't exist. 

There is a sense of calm that follows after simply doing what is within your power and letting the rest go. 

Give yourself a break today. Know that you did your best. Remind yourself that your "best" changes day by day, moment by moment. Hope for better days ahead. Even though today may not be that day, remind yourself better days are on the horizon. 

Easy Like Sunday Morning

Just hanging out and having coffee with my best buds on an easy Sunday morning ...

The morning is off to a good start!

 

Wax On ... Wax Off

 Every time I find a cat toy, I put it in the cat's "toy box":

Every time Jet finds one of his toys, he puts it on our bed 

(if he has not already lost it under the stove):

We play this game day after day, week after week.

Wax on ... wax off.

I have not quite figured out what these techniques are secretly teaching us 

but the lesson will be revealed one day.

In the meantime, he is "filed" in his cat box in our office:

I believe he is telling me it is time to get to work.

Lesson learned.

Weekday Hacks

Why is it that I seem to have the ambition to do the harder, more mundane household tasks on weekdays than I do on weekends? And why in the world would I talk myself out of doing some of those "hard things" when I work from home and can interchange weekday-work with weekend-chores as long as my job gets done?

I stumbled onto this hidden treasure trove of energy on "Friday mornings". Anything I must do that will result in sweating or getting dirty is done Friday morning before I wash my hair. My scope of work is not large and anything I choose to do has time limitations. 

Eureka! Having to complete a task before a set time is a game changer. Long gone are the days when I devoted entire weekends to house cleaning, organizing, de-junking and basic "seasonal cleaning". I do much better with time constraints.

The addition of a new filing cabinet spurred on a flurry of ambition this past Sunday afternoon. I cleaned and organized until I was satisfied, then even put in several hours of work Sunday night. Getting to work in my office Monday morning was almost fun. 

Except, I still had ONE shelf in the closet to empty out so I could utilize it for office storage. The "clearing out" part was simple. The hard part was making space for the bedding I had stored on the shelf.

I woke up yesterday morning, looked up at the shelf and thought "There is no better time than 'now' to clear space for all this shelf holds". I went straight downstairs and started to work. I couldn't take on the entirety of emptying our wall full of shelving in the laundry room but I DID empty, clean and sort through at least one third of it.

I emptied and washed down the shelf in my office closet, moved the contents downstairs into the storage space I created, then came back upstairs to find this:

As soon as I started loading the shelving with items not related to cats, my furry friend ran off. And this was the final result:

In the other corner, my new filing cabinet:

Atop the filing cabinet sits the only personal touch within my home office business space. A quote from Glennon Doyle, reminding me to just keep going. One foot in front of the other. Forward steps. Do not let perfectionism stop me in my tracks. 

Setting foot in my office brings me joy. Yes, I continue to feel overwhelmed at times but having a semblance of control over my environment has made a vast difference in the way my days roll.

I woke up this morning and decided I didn't "have" to get up at 6:00 a.m. I wasn't trying to squeeze in a hair color before my day began so there was no need to get a head start on the day. Instead, I slept in until 7:00 a.m. What a rebellious act. Sleeping in on a weekday! 

Two weekday mornings in a row, I tossed in a side order of "weekend" and my load feels a lot lighter.

That said, my lost hour has caught up with me. I must head into my most excellent office space and get the day started.

May you too, find "weekday hacks" to make your journey to the weekend just a little easier to bear. 

Every Day is an Adventure (if you are a cat)

I came upon this L-shaped cat formation this morning and wondered if they were having a stand off. Was one cat not allowing the other into the room?

Nope. They had both spotted a bug. Neither of them captured the prey. They just stared it down.

I'm pretty sure if a mouse moved in with us, they would simply play with it until they lost it under the stove. That is where all cat toys go to die. This bug disappeared under the door casing to live another day.

In other news, I cleared off the closet in my office this morning.

Only to discover a cat moved in while I turned my back.

I got a filing cabinet this weekend which provides a bird's eye view of the fir tree (and the birds it attracts) in our front yard.

It was an exciting day to be a cat here at our house. Who knows? Maybe tomorrow we'll get a new box!

Breathing in the Weekend

The weekend past was quite possibly the definition of a "perfect weekend". A day trip with and to meet up with my siblings, followed by a day of phone calls, the delivery of a free filing cabinet, combined with a visit including a light lunch and a moderate amount of productivity.

My socializing skills are rusty. I replay parts of conversations I had and shudder. "Why did I say that?" "Why didn't I listen more?" "Why didn't I invite the other person to tell their stories more?" 

This is exactly how I used to feel when I was young. I was not an outgoing child and the times I could re-hear my voice and regret talking were many. I lost a lot more sleep over it in those days but the feeling is very similar.

I believe I invited negativity into the weekend with me. Shame on me. 

All conditions were perfect! Could I please have a "redo" of the weekend I just had? 

Sigh of Relief

This past week took a lot out of me. Maybe it's the moon. Maybe it's not. Maybe it's justified. Maybe it's not. Maybe I'm weak. Maybe I'm not. Maybe it's too much Coronavirus consciousness. Maybe I'm just a whiner.

Life handed out a lesson on mortality, the imprint a life makes here on earth and the importance of living a life in anticipation of "what's next", while enjoying the moment you are in. 

If I died tomorrow, would I be happy with the week I just lived?

I did my best but I was not at my best. I was kind but I could have been kinder. I worked more than I played. 

Then I did the ONE thing that tipped the balance. I cleaned.

My sons came home from a day trip they had taken to do some rock climbing and hiked through some prairie sand dunes. My middle son was kind enough to give me a perfect amount of produce from his garden.

I was had just finished my list of cleaning chores when they drove up. My son proudly handed over the vegetables of his labor. I looked at them and muttered inside my head "This is why I like to buy my vegetables from the store - I don't have to clean them first".

We came inside and as I walked across the kitchen floor I commented, "The floor feels dirty and I just finished vacuuming it." My son lowered his head and asked, "Does it feel like sand? I think it's me."

I felt the entirety of the day I had experienced but not vented aloud come out in one loud sentence, "This is why I don't clean any more. I just get grumpy!"

We exchanged some civil conversation before everyone went their own way and went on to live another hour.

I had a tough Friday. My week was hard. I could not wait for yesterday to end.

I woke up this morning and breathed a great sigh of relief. I made it through another week. Exhale.

This is NOT living. It is existing. I'm ready to look for signs of life and inspiration. I'm off to spend the day with my siblings. I will inhale the day and resuscitate myself enough to endure the week ahead.

I repeat. This is NOT living the life I hoped for. 

The Lost 22 Minutes

I planned to get up by 6:00 this morning but stayed in bed until 6:22 a.m. Those crucial 22 minutes could have made all the difference in the world.

IF I had gotten up 22 minutes earlier, I would have been finished coloring my hair when my son got up and headed towards the shower. And the rest of this story would have happened in an easy to handle sequence of events which would have resulted in a completely different outcome.

Instead, I was panic stricken when my son appeared in the hallway so bright and early in the day. I was in between waiting for my roots to take the color and adding the remaining color to the rest of my hair. "I have five more minutes to wait before finishing my color, then I have to wait five more minutes before rinsing the color out of my hair. I need the bathroom!"

While I was adding the remainder of the color to my hair, I missed a phone call. 

When checking the messages, I hit the wrong buttons on the phone and accidentally called my boss. I hung up as soon as I could remember how to disconnect the phone while on speaker (my hair was still saturated in hair color so I needed to use the speaker phone and I hit "speaker" when I meant to hit "exit" and I still don't quite know how I dialed my boss. No worries. She called me right back. "I need a little help with my grocery order". I hoped I could sign in, help her pay for the order and try to return the call I missed while I was coloring my hair. It wasn't to be that simple. Her postal code had changed over night and my trouble shooting skills had not yet woken up yet (it was only 7:09 a.m.) AND I still had my hair saturated in hair color.

While I was trying to figure out the grocery order gone awry, my timer went off. "Make sure to use the $15 voucher" was her advise to me when I told her I had to go to tend to my hair-color-in-progress.  

I could finally rinse the color out of my hair and I wouldn't be beholden to the clock. Conditioning my newly colored hair is normally when I have my coffee, work on my puzzles and do whatever sweating I must do before I hop in the shower and officially start the day. That wasn't happening this morning.

My middle son was coming by to pick up his younger brother at 7:30 a.m. (yes, it is not yet 7:30 and my morning is spiraling out of control). I stopped to chat with them momentarily before they headed off on their day trip and immediately went back to trying to save the grocery order I was trying to salvage.

I finally got the order figured out, went to pay for it and POOF! It was gone. No opportunity to enter the voucher code. "Can you just call them?" was her request when I phoned to tell her the good news, bad news scenario that just played out. Good news! I got your order figured out and paid for. Bad news! It didn't ask me to enter the voucher.

So ... I called. They couldn't help me. The only thing I could do was cancel the order and reorder it. I was JUST finishing that task when the phone rang. "Did you get my message?..." Yes, I did. I just haven't had a moment to call you back.

And so the day began.

It didn't get much better than this. But it didn't get worse. By 7:30 p.m., I had finally crossed off the items on my to-do-list, that I had hoped to have done before my work day started.

It is now 10:07 p.m. I have just completed my "morning puzzles" and web-surfing I usually do in the wee hours of the morning while the rest of the world is sleeping. I am finally where I usually am by 10:07 a.m. 

 If only I had gotten up 22 minutes earlier, this day would have started out so much smoother.

Tomorrow morning? I'm getting up with the birds! I'm going to savor my quiet morning hours before the rest of the world wakes up. And the best part? Tomorrow is Saturday. The day is "mine" to do with as I please!! And my plans for the day please me very much.

Rebooting and Restarting

 I stepped out of my bedroom to begin the day at 6:22 this morning. I think the day started to go sideways at about 6:27.

The last time I had a day like this, the day snowballed on me and in the end I should have stopped at the first sign of trouble and called in a professional.

I don't know who specializes in a day that is simply off to a bad start. So I am sitting still with my first cup of coffee [What is with that?!? I've been up two hours and have not had time for a cup of coffee yet!]. I shall work on my puzzles, regroup and restart in an hour.

I'm starting to hate Fridays.

Kodak Moments

 "The world lost a beautiful girl today" were the words my friend wrote to describe the inexplicable loss their family faced yesterday.

I became Facebook friends with my friend's son and his wife long ago and have been a silent cheerleader as the highlights of their lives were posted on their Facebook statuses. 

They regularly posted pictures of themselves together, their much adored chihuahua, their move into their new home and anticipated arrival of a new puppy they planned to adopt and bring home the day after she suffered a brain aneurysm.

Last night, I scrolled through this beautiful girl's Facebook page and read her words, felt her anticipation and marveled over the life this young soul was anticipating.

Frustrations over the isolation during this time of COVID, missing her family, friends and openly declaring her joy for having them in her life and anticipating getting beyond the isolation and getting back to a world where face to face visiting was the norm.

She was admitted into the hospital three weeks ago. Due to the COVID restrictions, only her husband and mom could visit her. 

I think of this beautiful girl and hope she could feel the love, support and prayers that were directed her way. I think of my friend's son and the support he must have needed as he navigated days nothing in the world could have prepared him for. I think of this girl's mom, her dad, family and friends. 

A young man lost his wife yesterday. Her parents lost their daughter. A vital member of the family will never come home again. Friends are lost and heartbroken.

If it were not for her regular posts documenting the joys in her life, her love for her husband, family and friends and her hopes and dreams for the future, those who are mourning her loss would have just a little bit less to hold onto.

Twelve hours before her life changed in a moment, she snapped a picture of the joy she was living in, in that very moment. "A Kodak moment", she wrote.

Enjoy those Kodak moments in time. The world is a better place when you savor the moment you are in and openly appreciate those who mean the world to you.

Home Accessories

I have a rather sparsely decorated home 

but when one lives with cats,

who needs throw pillows on a bed 

when you can have your own furry purring machine?

He brings his own accessories with him (aka: cat toys)

Who could ask for any better table top decoration than this?

No watering or dusting required,

when regular cat hair removal will do the trick.

I'm not big on trinkets, vases, flowers or plants.

I've got my very own living and breathing cat hair machines.

Who could ask for more?

 

Stories Within the Story

I watched the movie "The Color Purple" for the first time yesterday. I may be one of the very few who had not yet seen this 1985 movie. I'm a little behind the times. This story has been brought to my attention on several occasions over the past 35 years. Most recently, in light of the racial inequities that have been brought to light, I was once again reminded of "The Color Purple".

I was well into the story before I realized there had not been one Caucasian person enter the scene. I smiled when the first white character was introduced as a person who drove one sister to the her sister's home. I loved the irony - a white person driving a person of color. I later realized this "driver" was delivering the mail. But my original take on this minor character remained. He was a person serving them, not the other way around.

The story was based around the main character but had other strong characters and story lines. I loved Oprah's character, Sophie, who was strong minded and full of spunk. Until ... the scene where the white people dominated the screen, brought her to her knees and stole everything she was from her. When "whites" were introduced into the story line, they were the villians.

As I played out this scene and compared it to the realities minorities face each and every day, I was embarrassed to be part of a race who has committed such injustices.

I continued to reflect on the vantage point this story was told. I considered the different stories that could have played out, had the tale been told from a different person's vision of the same set of events. I dared to consider what the story could have been, had it been told from the white person's point of view. 

The slant of the story, the perspective, each individual's history places a different emphasis on how a story is told. The adage "there are two sides to every story" is an understatement. Each one of us is a compilation of our history, our perspective, our state of mind and health, who and what we may be protecting. When prejudice we have unknowingly been raised with and exposed to, plus racial biases are added to the scene, it is little wonder there is conflict within this world of ours.

Racial privilege is a term that is new to me. I hang my head in shame to think that my view of the world is so very small and with a privilege I simply happened to be born into. I think of the babies who come into the world and know only the life they have been raised in. They become adults with their own personal biases stemming from the vantage point of their circumstances.

I think of the very small life I have lived and I try so very hard to consider the story another would have told of the exact same circumstance, from where they stood. When I retell the stories of my life I am conscious to speak of the other person's vantage point. I strive to tell my stories so there are no true heroes or villains. But I know even at that, my view is tainted by personal bias, history and lack of a full understanding of the other person's side of a story.

Stories are told from the vantage point of the person narrating the tale. Seeing, hearing and feeling the narrative from the main character's point of view provides us with limited insight unless the story is told in a way to bring each character's perspective into focus (which, may I add, "The Color Purple" did an amazing job). It is up to the audience to mine for the gold that is hidden within a multilayered depiction of events. 

It would serve us well, if we dug deep to find the truths within the headlines of today's news and the stories we are told as we live our lives.

An often quoted adage going around the Internet these days is to be kind to each other. You have no idea what another person is going through. Or as Ellen Degeneres says, quite simply, "Be kind to one another". Without condition, without bias, without assumption. Just be kind. Look for the story behind the story.

Charlotte (The Sequel)

 I recently wrote of our new neighbor, Charlotte, who built her web on the outside of our kitchen window.

I once watched a spider build its web and I was captivated by its natural born ability to create such a structure, seemingly in thin air, as it spun its web from one solid surface to another. Then it created the web itself after the foundation was in place.

When Charlotte's web first appeared outside our kitchen window, I was pleased to know it was outdoors and grateful for this miracle of nature to be placed right in my line of sight. 

Charlotte's web was a small pleasure nestled among the many daily requirements of living. When a friend called to talk with me on a serious matter within her life, she stopped at one point to ask me how I was doing. I had nothing to say that was of any importance and due to the weightiness of the burdens she was carrying, I simply told her about "Charlotte".

A lighthearted, easy to tell tale about a spider and its web was an ideal topic to focus on as life continues to go on all around us.

Nature.

When the world feels heavy and you have no idea where to turn. Look up. Look out. Focus on the sky, a bird, a flower or an industrious little insect. Lose yourself in a small moment. Marvel at the way life goes on without human intervention each and every day. 

So much is out of control within this world of ours. If we could think of our troubles as something that could be lifted off our shoulders and float into the weightlessness of the sky above us and let go of that which we cannot control, it could help us through our darkest moments.

My friend laughed when I told her about Charlotte. A light moment within a deep conversation. When I confessed that I was just a tad concerned that Charlotte may be staking out our home for a safe place to weather the winter, she told me she would have gotten rid of Charlotte and her web immediately. I questioned my sanity for a moment then went on to live another day.

The next morning, I looked out the kitchen window and Charlotte and her web were gone without a trace. We had high winds and some rain that must have dislodged Charlotte from her precarious home built upon our kitchen window structure. Charlotte has moved on. Either that, or she has moved in with us.

Live and let go. Easier said than done. Charlotte and her web provided a welcome diversion for the time she was our close neighbor. 

Watch for the gifts of nature. Lose yourself in a moment. When the moment is gone, just be glad for the time you took to enjoy it.

No matter how heavy or light your world may feel, look up and look outside. It may not help but it couldn't hurt, could it?

A Step in the Right Direction

 I am seriously contemplating taking a step outside my safe little COVID induced isolated little world. I am planning a day trip.

The incentive? An afternoon with my siblings. Oh, how I have missed my sibling time.

I have had a brief deck-visit with my sisters but I was uneasy. I didn't breathe in the moments the way I normally do.

Socializing is depleting me more than it is invigorating me these days. This trend was beginning before these months of isolation. The ongoing "state of emergency" recommendations have simply given me permission to be more of who I already was.

If anything or anyone can push me out of my comfort zone and take one step into the land of being social, it is my siblings. I think I'm ready.

This upcoming visit has one condition: "Weather permitting" These two words bring me great comfort. I am hopeful but not fully committed.

Story of my life. Hope without commitment. I don't want this state of mind to become my norm. I am in good hands taking this first tentative state with my siblings. It's up to me to make the most of this time of great hope.

No Words

Just a little thing that makes me smile. 

Finding my furry friend at the foot of my bed, using the foot board as a pillow. 

Oh, my purr kitty.

Charlotte

Meet our new neighbor. She moved in three days ago and is settling in nicely.

                                                        I have named her "Charlotte"

I am grateful for the pane of glass that separates us from "Charlotte's Web"

Cooking and Housework

I have stumbled upon a very valid justification as to why "cooking and housework" fall to the bottom of my to-do-list more often than ever before. My excuse? Working from home.

Having my job move in with me is a perfect diversion from cleaning the fridge, culling and shredding obsolete paperwork and a bazillion other little tasks I could and should be doing. I do what has to be done. Our home is quite presentable and the untrained eye would say it is just fine. Only I know what deep dark chores lurk within the nooks and crannies of our humble abode. 

Then there is this household task called "cooking". Any cooking must be done before I step into my home office for the day. Once my head is work-mode, cooking is the furthest thing from my mind. Lunch consists of food of the grab 'n go variety. The closest thing I come to cooking during a work day, is toasting a bagel. I must know in advance what I'm going to pack for my supper meal otherwise I'm in trouble as I race out the door to my second job. 

One would think I would make up for lost cooking time on the weekends. One would be wrong. I tend to go to one of two extremes - a complete and total catatonic state OR I do some extra bookkeeping work. 

Yes, working from home has become a perfect alibi for me to get away with murder (or in my case, it absolves me of cooking and housekeeping duties).

Yesterday morning, I woke up to the onerous task of making spaghetti and meat sauce from the hamburger I had thawing in the fridge. I was supposed to cook this the day prior. But I worked instead. Working and cooking cannot co-exist within the same 24 hour period UNLESS I only work a half day (my rules - don't question them).

Plus, a can of tuna was sitting on the counter beside the tomato paste for the meat sauce, begging to be made into tuna salad for my favorite lunch of all time - toasted tuna sandwiches.

You can only imagine my angst as I looked at all this work taunting me before I stepped into my work day. I did not back down from the challenge. I took on the job before me. An hour (maybe an hour and a half?) later, the kitchen was back in its pre-cooking state. My lunch and supper meals were ready to eat and grab on the fly. And spaghetti & meat sauce was sitting in a ready-to-eat state within the fridge. 

All evidence of the work I had just accomplished was swept clean and I went on to live another work day.

Mom once reminded me of a comment I made when I was a child. I wished there was a pill I could take instead of having to eat. I was not a big fan of eating in those days. 

Then I grew up to be a mom myself and wished I could just go to the store and buy a huge bag of Kid Chow, the way I could buy Purina Cat and Dog Chow for our pets. 

Now? I could exist on a rinse and repeat menu of the same meals day in and day out. No thinking required. Smoothie and coffee for breakfast; toasted tuna sandwich for lunch; chili & rice for supper; Pringles, something sweet and Diet Coke for snacks. Oh! And my newest delectable find of all? Salted Caramel Chocolate Chip cookies from Walmart's bakery section. 

Just think how easy it would be to buy groceries if the need for variety within one's menu didn't exist? I may have more energy for housework if I didn't have to cook. 

Same Old, Same Old (The Sequel)

I woke up this morning, bemoaning the fact that I will eventually have to leave the house today and wondered what I would wear. Oh, how I would love to be a cartoon character with a closet full of identical clothing. No choices to make, no worries about how something may feel/look or go together. Just a grab and go wardrobe with no need to spend time thinking.

Wilma Flintstone comes to mind when I think of cartoon wardrobes. She wore the same dress day in and day out throughout her stint on the Flintstones. She did have a dressy version of the very same dress and her maternity wardrobe was adapted to fit her figure. But all in all? One dress fit all occasions. Just accessorize and change the material and/or length as required.

Speaking of Wilma, what about that hair? Same style. Day in, day out. In all my recollections of the Flintstones, I cannot recall a time when a hair was out of place. Same color. No bad hair cuts. No bad hair days. Same. Same. Same. I have often said I'd like hair like a short-haired cat. Who has ever taken a cat for a haircut? The graying process is gradual and natural. Short and simple? I would just like hair that always looked the same. Day in, day out. No maintenance required. 

I believe I may have been a cartoon character in another life. My longing for sameness and predictability is ongoing. Sure, cartoon shows have their climactic peaks and valleys. But everything is solved by the end of the half hour show. No cliff hangers. No season finales full of mystery and intrigue. Same. Same. Same.

At the end of the above paragraph, I titled this post "Same Old, Same Old". I had a déjà vu moment and immediately searched my blog for a post of a similar title. Sure enough, on November 27th, 2019 I have a post with the identical title with not only an identical theme, but I wrote about my desire to have hair like a cat.

Maybe I already am a cartoon character. Living life on repeat is calming and predictable. But does anyone else get the feeling I am writing about the same thing over and over again? Yep. Me too.

It's a Jungle Out There

My son has taken over lawn mowing duties this summer and I have stopped looking at our yard in its entirety. My line of vision has come to see only the front yard as I drive into the garage, and the back yard as I walk from the garage to the back door. Everything else is a blur.

In order to lessen the distractions while taking a personal phone call, I have started taking the phone outside. I will carry a chair wherever the shade may be and it feels like I'm transported to another world when I am sitting in the comfort of our own back yard.

Except ... while looking at the back yard from a different angle, I was astounded at the weeds that sprouted since I last looked around the corner of our house.

Thistles had taken over and had deeply rooted themselves in the rocks. Other weeds had grown just as tall but were easier to pull. Little weeds were multiplying and this formerly weedless space had gone to seed and flourished while my back was turned.

The next time I sat outside, I noticed the weeds growing along the chain link fence area. Again, it was the thistles that ruled the area with the odd tree seed settling in as well. I took this time to pick all the weeds I could spot in the yard. Considering I had just weeded the back yard a few weeks ago, I was a little disillusioned how fast the weeds went forth and multiplied.

The next day, I thought I'd better peek at the back alley to see what had transpired back there since its last weed-free-inspection several months ago. Oh. My. Gosh. It was overgrown with every type of weed in the neighborhood.

I pulled weeds for well over an hour. I thought of my daycaring days when I simply puttered in the yard while the kids played. Pulling weeds as I spotted them on a regular basis resulted in a yard that looked like someone who cared lived here. 

Working in my office inside the house, I rarely step outside during my regularly scheduled work week. I don't putter with a thing because I cannot work and putter at the same time. Everything that must be done still gets done. But the little things are piling up.

As it is with the weeds in the back yard, so it is within the cozy little "storage places" within our home. My little piles are growing and multiplying while my back is turned. 

I need to figure out how to work from home more effectively. Work spills into my weekends. When I'm not working, I'm not fully immersed in anything productive in or around our home. I play mindless games on the computer or stare at the TV set until my brain is numb enough to sleep.

Something's gotta change. Nature is telling me to wake up and pull the weeds before we run out of summer weather. It's a jungle out there. 

The Vacation Not Taken

In a preemptive move after last year's excessive holiday spending, I started saving the vacation pay off of every pay cheque. I started my savings on August 31st. I have just been paid to July 31st. One year's savings have accumulated. 

One year of slow but steady saving has resulted in a grand total of $1,475.92 sitting in a little nest egg with the words "vacation pay" noted on each and every deposit.

In the grand scheme of things it is a pretty small amount. But if I hadn't put it aside, this very same amount of money would have been eaten up by day to day living. I am quite certain my chequing account would not have ended up with an excess equal to this amount. In my brain, chequing accounts = spending accounts. Money simply passes through and the goal is to keep it in the black (which normally results in a balance quite close to zero). 

Yes! I have a little vacation fund!! Yay, me!!!

Here I sit in my quiet little COVID world, spending little, going out less and quite enjoying the long harvest this year. I have spent many months squirreling away my acorns for a "winter" (aka: vacation) that is not on the horizon.

Do I long for time off? Yes. Do I wish I had vacation plans? No.

My thoughts continue to swirl around and focus on our home and the bathrooms that never got updated in the Year of Renovations. I think how fast $10,000 would go if we tackled a bathroom and I am quite happy to sit home and continue doing what I am doing.

I ponder the day when my 18 year old car will need to be replaced. Never in a million years would I replace it with a brand new vehicle but again, $10,000 would disappear very quickly when looking for a newer, reliable car.

I know the world is becoming restless with social distancing advisories, ever-increasing cases of COVID-19 and coming to terms with the realization that our "new normal" is unlike anything we have experienced in our lifetime.

I also realize our economy would be in real trouble if everyone in the world was content to stay home and squirrel away any excess they may find in their already sparse budget fearing the long, cold winter which may or may not be the result of this strange new world we are navigating. 

But I'm not adding to our country's deficit and I am paying my own way. So I am playing a small part in not worsening the state of our economy.

Another year of saving may result in doubling today's figure. One year in our future, a vacation may be something I would consider. The truth of the matter is we have absolutely no idea where we may be one year from now. Who would have ever predicted today's reality?

To save or not to save. That is the question.

I love the idea of my vacation fund. This small little savings account allows me a place to dream. Just a little. The vacation not taken this year will provide an opportunity for something else to step in, in its place.